My ex-husband called me last night. He has sole physical and legal custody of our 15 year old daughter. He lived in another state and moved due to job reasons. The child is stil in the original state and her grandmother is helping to take care of her.
My ex-husband is having trouble at his job because he is worried about our child. They have given him 30 to 60 days to solve his personal issues and improve his performance. He just started in February 2007.
He is proposing that I come and stay with our child until she finishes school which is 2009. I would stay in his house unless it sells.
I asked him to send our child to me and he said that you always want things your way. I then suggested that I live in the same state as the child, but separately. He said I would be wasting money.
I want to do what is best for everyone, but I am confused.............
I tried to stay in the house for 3 weeks and then came back to where I live. I could not adjust.
2007-05-01 01:36:01 · 11 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You will be no benefit to your daughter if you cant take care of yourself. Right now you are worried about whats best for everyone. Whats best is that your daughter learn from your example how to make decisions, be self directed and be the parent. dont let the emotion of it make it complicated.
Make a yes list....things that you can and will do to help your daughter. Right now it sounds like...
You will move to another state to live with her.
You would be happy to change the custody agreement, even temporarily so that he pays you support while you take h er (which is probably really the sticking point---he doesnt want to pay). The change could be in writing and formal or just an agreement.
You will help her and talk with her as best you can.
You will be happy to have her come here to stay with you.
All that sounds reasonable....they are the ones who dont like the choices. Its not your job to make them all happy. PS---your husband is blaming your daughter for his inability to hold a job----red FLAG!!! thats not true--we are the adults. Some of us (myself included) have a whole bunch of crazy teens at home and we manage. He wants a rescue and he wants it on his terms. You have the dynamics of a family with alcoholism where he is the users and you are the codependent---get some alanon literature to help you learn about detachment and boundaries. One thing I can give your right now as a way to look at it is an analogy----
You deserve to have your little white house with the picket fence. The house is YOURS, you do your best to keep it a safe happy place to be by taking care of it (meeting your needs first by making sure you eat, sleep, work, rest, play). Your boundaries are the little fence you put up and only you decide who enters....leave lots of gates so you can change your mind..but get clear about what you can and cant handle. There is a reason you left this m an...and it sounds like he is asking for a double dip on his selfish, self-centered, victim, "I need help save me" behavior. Dont take the ride with him. Keep the focus on yourself and your daughter. He may not like it. He may have a full out hissy fit. Oh well. His opinion of you is none of your business. do it with kindness and love . Say a prayer before you speak. All the best to you.
You cant make everyone happy..... but if you take care of yourself and make yourself reasonably centered, you can be a good parent. If you put yourself in a sitaution that puts you off balance, you wont be a good parent, friend, daughter, etc.
2007-05-01 03:50:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here's the real deal. Your husband has sole custody of your daughter, I'm assuming for good reasons. She is only 15, and I'm guessing is still a sophomore in high school. Your husband needs to take charge of this family situation and bring your daughter to live with him. I'm sure there are schools where he is, and she will assuredly be allowed to attend them. I know it's hard to move kids, but sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want in order to get what you really need. What your daughter needs is to have parents, not handlers. I'm guessing that the reason she stayed behind and is living with her grandmother is because she doesn't want to move ... but guess what, sometimes you can't have what you want. She needs to move to where your ex-husband is and start school there. She will meet new friends and can stay in touch with her old ones via email, letters, phone, text messaging, whatever she is allowed to access.
Parents in this country have forgotten how to lead the family. Your children's opinions matter, but you have to be the adult and take charge. Sure, your daughter may hate you for making her move, but she'll get over it. She's 15, she doesn't know what is best for the family. 15-year-olds are focused on themselves and what's important in their sliver of the world. I don't say that to diminish them or their perspective, but it's true. They are not as focused on the needs of the family (with some exceptions) as the parents are. If this situation is worrying your ex-husband to the point he is being admonished at work, then it's time to make a change. She needs to move in with him where he is living now. Waiting 2 years to make that change will only cleave an insurmountable chasm in the relationship between them. She will come to resent him for "abandoning" her, even though it seems like what she wants right now.
It's time to put on your big boy and big girl pants, and make the decisions that are necessary to keep what is left of your family together. I hope you and your ex have the courage to do it. Otherwise, I hope the damage is minimal and all of you are able to move forward with your lives without unnecessary interruption.
2007-05-01 01:52:26 · answer #2 · answered by Been There 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest you go back to Family Court (USA) and see if you can get custody of your daughter. Right now although he has physical custody of your daughter, she is not even living with him and the court needs to know this.
You are the adult and it seems like your husband is still trying to control you perhaps like he did in the marriage.
Let the Family Court help you resolve this issue as they placed an order for custody of the child and if there is an amendment to the custody, then it needs to be done in court.
2007-05-01 01:46:43 · answer #3 · answered by Patty G 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why would your ex take a job that he couldn't be in the same state as his child? Especially if he has custody of that child?!!
I think he needs to get a job in the same city as his child, then he can actually be a parent!
2007-05-01 01:52:18 · answer #4 · answered by Shawna H 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are trying for a solution but it is your ex that only wants things his way. Can you petition the court to get custody of your child? Sounds like he's not exactly in the best position to care for your child right now.
Good luck to all of you!
2007-05-01 01:41:54 · answer #5 · answered by retropink 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Would you be living with your ex husband in the house? I can't imagine why he thinks that would work - you're divorced for a reason. If you're willing to move out there, do it. Get a house by yourself and your daughter can live with you there. Your ex can just deal with it.
2007-05-01 01:40:53 · answer #6 · answered by Duckie314 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't hear much concern for your daughter. She should come first. Has anyone asked here what she wants?? Is she happy with gr. mother?? Sounds like you and your husband have some growing up to do. What was your custody agreement when you divorced?? Grow up and maybe get a lawyer????
2007-05-01 01:44:02 · answer #7 · answered by mamaexfour 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
He is being unreasonable and is trying to control the situation. But he is also giving you a golden opportunity to be with your daughter and despite your discomfort staying at his house, I would go back just to be with my child. It is about your daughter not your comfort.
2007-05-01 01:41:32 · answer #8 · answered by swtlilblonde31 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is your ex and he wants you to move back in. Don't.
Your only concern should be the child you share with him. His personal problems are his. The grandmother is there - what would you be doing?
2007-05-01 01:43:21 · answer #9 · answered by cowgirl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
lf l had my way l would tax the hell out of householders and exterminate all undesirable canines.canines may be costly to proprietors yet to something human beings this is a demanding nuesense.once you communicate approximately that there is not any longer something in besides to earnings from pets for the commonplace public.They compete with guy for food sheter and vet expenditures. in assessment to livestock they produce 0 earnings to the commonplace public.All we would desire to continually tutor is canines mess on our pavements, consistent noise from barking, and incessant concern from assaults.and all that for what?
2016-10-04 04:45:19 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋