does he really loves me or is it pity??

Question

My husband and Ihave been togethe r(including dating) for six yrs.Last year he had an affair and we both thought that we could get over it. We have made progress but every once in a while i find myself in a panic like state wondering if he really loves me. He says it was the biggest mistake in his life messing with that other woman. I see that he is changing and trying really hard to please me. I can't just jump up and leave because we have two kids together. Sometimes i just feel like I have to protect myself from him because i was scarred so badly from actaullu knowing that he was capable of hurting me( in my mind he was a perfect angel that could never cause me any harm). Now its hard for me to see past my "emotional brick wall" and just love him like i really want to. Am I just crazy and paranoid and need to get over the past and open myself up, to be happy or should I stop kidding myself? I really do want to work on our realtionship and be happy again.

Just to add, Am I wrong if I have to ask him all the time if he really loves me?? I feel bad when I do ask even thogh he tells me. I tend to ask him afterwards if he is sure. He tells me that it hurts his feelings so I am trying to stop but how else am I supposed to make myself feel secure, when he took that security away? Should I keep asking anyways?

Answer 1

If you're going to choose to stay in the relationship you've got to be in, both feet.

You can deal with the emotions/fears/insecurities that arise within yourself. When you have the feeling, instead of going to him to take the feeling away (making him your emotional hostage) go inside yourself and find out what it's about. And the answer to what it's about cannot always be "he cheated on me that time."

If it's about a behavior that's making your red flags go up ask someone you trust what they think of the behavior to make sure your reaction is proportionate. If it's insecurity ask yourself why you dont feel like your enough. If its fear of being hurt again ask yourself if his actions validate what youre feeling or not. Working through all of this with a therapist or close friend is highly recommended. You cant work through it with your husband, that just perpetuates the wound.

The relationship will never get past the incident of cheating as long as youre continuing to live in it and make him pay for what he did. It doesnt sound like that is your intention,its just that you keep taking your pain to him to fix for you and that wont work - not for you, for him, or for the relationship.

Showing up for this hard work can take your relationship to a much deeper level - it'll grow you two up in a sense. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

First of all I am really sorry you had to go through that. I've been there and I would never wish that type of pain on anyone. If you really want to be with him you need to try and get over it or you will do nothing but make both of you miserable. If he hasn't done anything else then you should try and trust him. Everyone makes mistakes and even though that is a HUGE one you still should give him the benefit of the doubt that it won't happen again if you really love him. If he messes up again then you have all the reason in the world to not trust him but as of now I would say to let it go and try and forgive him. I really hope you aren't just staying for the kids because that isn't a good reason. Kids can pick up on the tension of their parents and it is hard on them. I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you.

Answer 3

You were hurt and there is no forgetting that, but if you try you can remember the love in your heart, you can give him permission to be human and make that mistake, and just work hard at keeping communication open with your husband. If he is working hard at rebuilding the trust, then you need to work hard at moving forward. It's not easy; give yourself some time. But again, talk to your husband; tell him how you feel; tell him in a nonjudgmental/nonconfrontational way that he hurt you, he betrayed you; do it in a way that you can tell him your feelings without him having to try to defend his love for you (ie. telling you it was the biggest mistake); this way he may be able to focus more on what you need in the long run instead of trying to take the sting out of the moment. try saying "I felt betrayed and hurt when you cheated on me." instead of You hurt me, You betrayed me. You'll be saying the same thing but you'll get your feelings across better if you are able to present it nonconfrontationally. And when both of you let your defenses down you can work on it together. Just rememebr as far as happiness goes: you can find that within yourself. Happiness is not dependent on someone else. Give yourself some time to heal. It sounds like you both love each other, and with some work you can actually come out of this a stronger couple. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I don't think your being paranoid. You're still healing. For something like what your dealing with, there is no quick fix. It's going to take some time for you to get over it. It sounds to me like you both are heading the right direction. Just be patient. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. "last year" is a drop in the bucket emotionally. If your rebuilding process were to stop making progress, or you were in the same emotional state 5 years later, I'd say walk away. Right now though, just give it time.

Answer 5

This is a hard question to answer and it will have to depend on what your goal is. If you want to make this marriage work at all cost, you need to do what you have to in order to be happy again and it isn't going to happen over night. Your feelings can't be turned on and off like a light switch and usually there's a long period of recovery and your husband has to prove to you over and over again that he's truly sorry and works hard to regain your trust by not doing it again. Whatever you choose, remember to always stay true to yourself.

You are not being paranoid. Your feelings are normal and valid when trust in a marriage is breached.

Answer 6

I know exactly how you feel. My ex husband, whom I thought could never do such a thing to me, cheated on me and hurt me deeply. Although he tried to make it up and seemed genuinely sorry, I just couldn't trust him again. For a long time I blamed myself for his affair and kept wondering if he really loved me if he was capable of hurting me this way, but as time went on, I realized that I had nothing to do with him cheating. It was all his choice and he chose to hurt me. It's been a little over 2 yrs and I have forgiven him but problem is I could never trust him again so I chose to leave the marriage.

I hope that whatever you choose to do in your situation, it would be the right one for you and all involved. My ex and I didn't have children so it was easier to leave but you have an entire family to think of. Your decision will affect everyone in your family, not just you.

Answer 7

I understand u. Betraying is kinda hard to forget, so I think u must really love him. If its really bothering u so much, u should get a time for the both of u (just u 2, no kids) to talk bout it. Bout yer worries, yer emotions, his emotions. Im not radical and I dont think every cheater deserves punishment. If yer worried bout what society thinks bout yer situation, dat they think u should just leave him, plz try to just dont pay attention to that. The important is what u think and feel, not outsiders. They dont know yer story, yer relationship and feelings. Its so easy to judge from the outside.
Maybe he is being sincere with u, and he really wants it to go rite this time, and maybe u should try to forget the past. Or maybe not... its up to u to think and decide.
Forget u will never forget, but u ca forgive.

Answer 8

Pray. Spend more time with your husband. Go out for a date with just the 2 of you - no kids. Join an NGO where both you and your hsuband can serve the community, then it will restore the bonding.

Answer 9

It's time for some family counseling. If you value your family and believe that children need both a father and a mother in the same home then open up and trust him again.

If it happens again, then he needs to get help.

Keep it together at least until the kids are grown and it will be worth it. They will be more balanced coming from an unbroken home. Don't make them victims too.

Best Wishes to all of you.

Answer 10

You know, you were hurt. The affair is a betrayal. It's awesome that you are trying to move past it. You have to realize that as hurt as you are, if you are going to make it work, you'll have to trust him a little. Otherwise, you'll box him out and you might as well break up then.