how can i tell the woman carrying my baby that i dont want the baby?

Question

my fiance is pregnant.
she is already 5 months into the preganancy. i have supported her throughout and was very excited about the babe till now. i have the feeling i wont be a very good father. i want to be able to be 100% sure that i will be able to care for a child and raise him up to be a good person. i have been to many counselling sessions and they have not been of any great help. i have talked to my mother about it and she said i am just getting cold feet and just belittles the issue. this is something that is really bugging me. will it be possible for her to abort the baby after 5 months without causing herself harm?
and how do i actually tell her to make her understand? my close family and friends have not been able to help so i hope you guys will tell me something real heplfu. thanx.

Answer 1

Being nervous is normal & so is having second thoughts/cold feet. But thinking about asking the woman you love, the woman you're going to marry to abort a child - one who could actually have a chance at survival if born - it's just crazy & selfish.
I do not think your counseling sessions ARE working. Obviously, you already have your mind made up & don't really want help from anyone. I think what you're really looking for is validation fro your cowardice.
Seriously, I don't want to be a b-tch but come on!
If you put your mind to it & actively participate in your child's life, you will be a great father! You'll be doing alot more than most fathers do.
So, please PLEASE do not tell your fiance that you want her to abort - besides the fact that it's illegal after about 12-16 weeks. Switch counselors, ask about medication, or even talk to your fiance's obstetrician - there's help out there, you just need to find it.
Good Luck.

Answer 2

With sex comes consequences...welcome to the real world. While you should have thought about this beforehand, here are some thoughts for you.

First of all...give yourself a chance to be a parent. There's nothing like looking into your own eyes for the first time. Being a good dad isn't something you'll honestly have to think about- it's just something you'll do naturally.

Second- Who are you to think that you could actually tell your fiance'- the woman you're planning on marrying?- that you want her to get rid of the child you created together? It's not your choice. Every woman I've ever talked to that has had an abortion has regretted it. If you want to know how those procedures are done, check out http://www.priestsforlife.org/resources/abortionimages/index.htm.
They'll show you what a baby at 5 months gestation looks like when it's been aborted.

You do have one final option though. You can become a child support check. That means that at some point in the near future some other man will be raising your child. In my state men have been ordered to pay up to 25% of their monthly salary.

So that's the long and short of it. Babies are miracles. I don't think you realize what a gift you've been given.

Answer 3

I doubt that even if abortion were an option your fiancee would consider it. It is difficult to imagine it when you have been dreaming about the baby and feeling it move.

Your feelings are normal...that is not belittling it, it is simply the truth. A baby will bring a lot of changes, and it sounds like the idea of such big changes are scaring you a lot.

If you are pretty sure you do not want to be involved in this baby's life, let her know. Maybe she will consider adoption if she feels unready, too. Or, if she wants to try it on her own, at least she will know where you stand as far a becoming a parent. You will still be financially obligated to help raise the child, but you won't have to worry about the lifestyle changes beyond the monetary. Of course, if she wants the child and you don't, you need to be prepared to lose her as well.

It is a tough decision because you don't know how much of what you are feeling is nerves, and how much is permanent. It would suck to think you have made a choice, only to realize that it WAS nerves and you have lost your girlfriend and your child. But, it would also suck to pretend you are OK with it for another 4 months, then dump them both after the baby is born.

I'm glad you saw a counselor and sorry that didn't help. I think this is just something you will have to discuss with your fiancee and be honest about. It will really hurt her, but it sounds like she is going to be hurt no matter what, so it is best to do it with honesty if you must.

Answer 4

It is illegal to abort in the 5th month, unless there is something medically wrong. I actually think the limit is 16 weeks (or 4 months) for elective abortions. If she wants to have the baby, though, no matter how far along she is, it is HER decision to have an abortion or not...you can't make her, regardless of whether you want a baby. I think it's time for you to accept the fact that you made a baby and are a father...having an abortion won't change that, it will only cause a rift in your relationship if you try to force her to have one against her will. You should definitely talk to her about your misgivings and doubts, and I'm sure she has some as well. Becoming a parent is very scary, no matter how excited you may (or may not) be. The important thing to remember is that you did help make this baby, but it is now in her body and it is her decision what she does about the pregnancy...although it's actually too late for her to have an abortion...and it doesn't sound like she wants to have one anyway since she's this far along. She can feel the baby move and kick inside her! Please be honest, but please be sensitive to your partner's feelings and DO NOT try to pressure her into ANYTHING she doesn't want to do.

Answer 5

The feelings you are having are perfectly normal. I'm willing to bet a large percentage of fathers-to-be (and even mothers-to-be) have similar thoughts, but it's too taboo a subject, so no one talks about it.

It's anxiety and fear that are making you have these thoughts. It's hard to imagine being responsible for another human being for the rest of your life. You're not feeling ready? Well you should know that NO ONE is ever 100% ready to have a baby. If everyone waited until they felt "ready" then the human race would probably be extinct by now!

I believe that once you meet your child and hold him/her in your arms for the first time, you will see things much differently. And if that time does come and you still feel no connection, well then you will have a choice to make -- stay or leave. Just think good and hard before leaving. You will likely grow to regret your decision as the years tick by -- and it's much more difficult to establish a bond with a teenage or adult child than it is with a newborn. Think about it.

Answer 6

Ok, I'm not going to be mean or rude like some others...she cannot get an abortion now, it is too far along in the pregnancy but I don't think you really want her to. Nobody is ever completely ready for a baby...that is the whole excitement of it! I'm sure you will do just fine, all parents make mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself, your fiance is probably just as scared as you are but she knows she has to be strong. Just take a deep breath, relax and read some parenting magazines, lol. I promise, when you hold that precious baby in your arms nothing else in this entire world will matter...all your problems will seem so minuscule and the only thing that will matter is your newborn child and your fiance who went through so much to bring you this joy. You will do just fine, and I'm sure your family and friends will help you through it, no worries.

Answer 7

No medical proffessional will abort the baby now without any medical reason.

As for you, yes it's cold feet. All men suffer it to some degree. She is going to have this baby regardless, so the best you can do with this situation is to wait until you hold your child. That is a major turning point in most parents lives, and you may find you were worried about nothing.

My fiance worried, we moved country when i was 6 months pregnant. We had nothing, no house, no money and he had no job. All he did was worry, but it has all worked out because he wanted to make it work.

But should you choose to tell her, do it from a distance and be prepared for a hormonal hurricane!

You will never be 100% sure, ask any parent.....even the best ones. Good luck, please don't break this girls dreams.

Answer 8

Sorry bud, its too late. You are a dad, whether you want to be or not. Remember this and tell your child, you are CHOOSING to be a parent each time you whip it out and you are CHOOSING to be exposed to a disease. Your mom is more right than you realize but belittled or not, you are a dad. It is time to get over it, suck it up and be a good dad. You will never have all the answers, you will always be making it up as you go along. There is no book that will tell you how to be a good dad, there are lots of books with ideas about different things to try in different situations though. You don't get to not want the baby, its too late. Take a parenting class with her and go to her appointments and her prenatal classes/chilbirth classes with her, you owe it to your kid. Start thinking of yourself as a dad and get used to it. No one can tell you what you want to hear, that there is a way to poof your fear, apprehension or baby out of the way. Its all part of becoming a man. Talk with your fiance about feeling like you won't be good enough, she is probably aready noticing that you are having some trouble and it will make her feel better (it is important to protect her emotional health and reduce her stress). Don't tell her you don't want the baby, you really don't have that option and won't really know until after you meet the little one. Things change a lot throughout the nine months of pregnancy and give yourself some time. Keep talking to the counselor, no one can tell you you aren't a father, you are, but the more you talk about it the better you will feel.

Answer 9

It's WAY too late to abort a child at this stage, not to mention the emotions that the mother and yourself have invested into this child already.

You said you were excited about this when you first found out - it's ABSOLUTELY normal for a father (and mother) to feel unsure or scared about what the future holds, whether you'll be a good parent, or provider, or even if you're ready and able to be a parent. Perhaps you should join an online group of expectant fathers (babycenter has good discussion boards) and you can share with them your fears... You'll discover that you're not alone in this and will likely start feeling better about having these mixed feelings.

Answer 10

Ummm no..u cant abort at 5 months and why would you not want the baby if its with someone you plan to marry anyways. You could tell her but she will probably slap you a few times, curse you out and then maybe not talk to you for a long time or ever again. HAHAHA. Seriously though...a lot of men get liek this when they have a baby on the way. Yo uwill do fine as long as you are man enough. Or if you are still a little boy who doesnt wanna take control of their actions...then you could whine a bit more about what that evil penis of yours has done.