do u like my poem???

Question

Bang goes the gun,
another bullet towards your shatered heart.
If another one hits your heart will be a million pieces,
ill have to glue it up to make your heart full again.
No one hits you again,
but your brain is weak your going down again.
I pick you up and take you home,
but you dont cry,
even though your in crying pain, that makes you ashamed!

Im 14 years old! please tell me what you like and dislike bout it!

Answer 1

its beautiful, very powerful, there is a real sense of sadness that transcends your words, a sense of a lot more feeling that your wishing to convey. Keep up your writing and your poetry, its a really positive way for you to express yourself.
ps - you have a talent.

Answer 2

I applaud your efforts, but reading this makes me feel like there are pieces of a much larger puzzle missing, and I'm not catching the full scope of what you're trying to say. I get that it's about a broken heart, but that's the only thing about it that really sticks out for me to notice.

Like an answer I gave to a different poem from a different writer just before this one, I would call this a "seed work"... meaning that with some rewriting and effort, it can be much better. I shouldn't be rating you on what someone else has written, but the answer remains the same.

For being fourteen, it's actually pretty good. As a suggestion, perhaps it would help you to read up on what other writers have written, and to pay attention to the way they've written it. I would suggest reading some of Edgar Allen Poe's works... he was a little twisted, but had a good sense of form and balance in his writing.

Walt Whitman also has a lot of merit in his writing; that man had a way of taking an ordinary statement and making it unforgettable. There's a lot of information available on both of these writers, so see if you can find time to read some of their stuff... maybe doing that will give you some ideas for your own writing.

My over-all rating on it is a 5.0 - nothing about it makes me want to read it again, or makes me feel like it's worth remembering. Just remember, writing is a process... just like everything else; remember to never let your writing be boring or ordinary. Make every word you write down and speak aloud as memorable as possible (without getting yourself into trouble)... you have the makings of a poet in you; you just might make it there, yet.

Answer 3

You certainly submit a lot of poems! I really appreciate that though. Its great to see anyone interested in poetry. I would say this about your poem, the imagery is good, but the structure could use some work. I can tell that you are trying to experiment with something a little bit different, sometimes that can work and sometimes it doesn't. I think using a term like "bang" also starts the poem off on the wrong tone. Its almost a comical term, like something you would see it that campy old Batman TV show. This seems like a fairly serious subject matter and I think some of your word choices work to undermine that. Try using a more structured format and a little bit better word choice in conveying your thoughts, and I believe your poem can really shine. Thanks a lot for sharing it.

Answer 4

14 years old, firstly, you are a young person talking about bullets and shattered hearts. I saw a poem under art and humanities I though great. Someone out there is using there mind. What's on a person mind when they produce a poem like this. Is this our now World we are living in.

Answer 5

I'm 14 aswell, and also interested in poetry.
Your storyline isn't bad, but I think the wording needs working on, and so does your rythm, at the moment, it seems to be all over the place, try making each line about the same length, so there seems to be a steady beat as you read the poem, and it'll make the poem alot sharper.

Answer 6

For a 14 year-old, you sure have a lot on your mind...
It's great that you write as a way of expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Do a bit more work on this poem, because I think you can develop it a bit more.
The idea is good and the wording is good but something is missing... and I can't really put my finger on it...

Answer 7

That is a very powerful poem...It says many things about what you are thinking. It sounds symbolic of the way you feel inside perhaps. But the beauty of poetry is the way the person who reads it perceives it to be...take care...

Answer 8

Well... gotta say you're into some pretty intense emotions for a person of your age. WOW! My heart goes out to you... for whoever woke these feelings up, they must've really pushed a button... GOOD LUCK! ;)

Answer 9

great poem. I like the twist of the last line.
note spelling: "shattered"

Answer 10

that's deep, man. it needs work but overall it's excellent.