after over a year and half, my boyfriend and i are going through a rough time right now. he's middle eastern and i'm.. well *white* to him (greek&polish). about the 3rd or 4th month he and i were going out he told me we could never get married due to his family wanting him to be with a middle eastern (chaldean) girl. it's now a long time after this and everyone, even his sister (whom i'm close with), keeps asking him when we're going to get married, and he says no, or not now in response.. half the time i'm right there when he responds. we're in our early 20s and i'm not rushing or anything but i guess i'm just concerned about the problems we are going through at the moment, i feel he's lost interest but he's not breaking up with me. his sister tells me he loves me a lot but if that's the case, why isnt he giving me any sense of secruity with our relationship? i dont want to be with him any longer for it to end up with us not married. i am very much in love with him. what do i do?
2007-04-30 16:01:45 · 20 answers · asked by Jo 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
thank you all for the responses. i am reading things i had never realized or thought about before. i appreciate all the comments.
2007-04-30 16:12:59 · update #1
You won't be marrying him, but his entire family too. Is this really a hassle you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
Also consider the possibility that he told you from the start that he couldn't marry you...sounds like he never wanted to commit in the first place.
2007-04-30 16:05:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have your answer in your heart, let me help you get it out...
First do these 2 exercises:
Exercise Number One:
Grab a blank piece of lined paper, Title it "What I want in a potential Husband." Number it all the way down the page and WITHOUT HAVING YOUR BOYFRIEND IN MIND, write an objective list of what you want in a Husband.
Example:
1. A man who is not opposed to getting married someday.
2. A man who wants children.
3. A man who accepts that I like to take baths in the evening and showers in the morning, or someone who will love or at least accept my cat.
4.A man who has a supportive family, or A man who's family doesnt butt into his personal life. ... etc.
When you are done with your list go back and highlight the "MUST HAVE'S" For example he MUST have number 1 but you are flexible on number 3.
This will help you realize what YOU are really looking for, now compare your list to your boyfriend and see if he is a good match for you if he is then go on to Exercise number two. If he is not then you need to start dating other people and always keep this list in mind. Imagine you are cooking an elaborate meal and these are your ingredients, some of them are firm others are flexible.
Exercise Number Two:
Fold a piece of paper in half Lenthg wise. On one side Title it REASONS TO STAY TOGETHER, on the other REASONS TO BREAK UP. List all your reasons in the appropriatte column.
In this list don't let his current indecision about marriage detter you. To end a relationship for what might or might not happen some distant day in the future is like cutting a rose bush before it blooms because it may not give you a dozen red roses, with somethings time only tells.
Make sure when you write your lists you are not angry, be objective and dont analize them the same night. Wait at least 24 hours then read them and if your list indicate to you that you need to leave then do so.
I wish you well, tell me how it goes.
2007-04-30 16:28:50 · answer #2 · answered by Carabina 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You could be there for him. You are in love with a man who has obligations to his culture and you may have to wait a long time before this twenty some will marry out of his clan.
If he is losing interest then you should not take this to heart as most mixed marriages have a hard time adjusting due to the pressure of the different cultures.
He has already told you already how he feels about this situation. Maybe you need to do some soul searching and ask him outright what are his intentions as you are not going to be there forever for him to make up his mind.
Good Luck..most men will keep stalling as long as they are getting what they want.
2007-04-30 16:12:09 · answer #3 · answered by Louella R 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask him where he sees the relationship going. And then listen to his answer. Ask him if he ever sees himself marrying you. If he can't honestly say that he could see that happening someday, then you're wasting your time with him. Since you're both in your early 20's, it could be that he's not ready to think about marriage right now, but he shouls still be able to say if he could see himself marrying you SOMEDAY esp. if he really does love you that much. Read the clues now, though. If he still doesn't have a clue after a year and a half of being together...that's not a good sign for the future.
2007-04-30 16:06:57 · answer #4 · answered by First Lady 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Break up. Marriage is more than love. You marry him, you marry the whole family. And if he's not fully committed- still wishy washy- he's not worth it. If he loves you, he'll have had made a stand long ago. Early 20's is very young to consider marriage. Suffer the pain now, rather than later, should his family still make you feel like you're an outsider after years of marriage. You say that you love him a lot- sometimes, it could be that you love him more than he loves you. It unbalance.
2007-04-30 16:09:40 · answer #5 · answered by goldie 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would really look at the pros and cons of the relationship. Take out a sheet of paper and on one side, write the good things about the relationship and on the other side, writebad things about the relationship. Be honest. Then compare the two sides. If there are more pros than cons, then I would give it more time, being patient to see what the outcome is. If there are more cons, then I would seriously think about ending it. Better to end a bad relationship now then later.
2007-04-30 16:09:08 · answer #6 · answered by Moo Moo Mair 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may still be hesitating because his sister may be the only one in the family who thinks it's alright for you to marry him. You should let him know that you do not feel secure with him and that you want to know for sure if there is any hope for marriage in the future before you spend a lot of time with someone who can only cause you heartbreak.
2007-04-30 16:10:09 · answer #7 · answered by Kandie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is extremely hard for you to hear, but he loves you I am sure but he will never "betray" his family in the way of marrying you. He himself could be madly, hopelessly in love with you, but... I had a very close friend that I knew, he was middle eastern. He would not marry an american girl. It was sad because he was really in love, but you half to realize that is not the issue, there are many things that will hinder your relationship. sorry
2007-04-30 16:09:43 · answer #8 · answered by tlcin2006 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Personally I would move on. He made it clear that he will not marry you because of the nationality difference. You should have known then that all he was doing was killing time with you until he found what he wanted.
You can love him all you want but if he doesn't love you then why waist your effort.
His sister telling you isn't what matters. It is what he does that matters.
2007-04-30 16:09:13 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is from a very different culture, and he already told you that you couldn't get married, you should have taken that into consideration. In the long run, it could be a very difficult path for you two. Love sometimes isn't always enough.
2007-04-30 16:09:08 · answer #10 · answered by Vegas 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋