How should I handle the sadness I feel about my daughter's status on facebook?

Question

My daughter is 15 and lives in another state. She is currently being taken care of by her grandmother. My ex-husband moved due to job reasons.

She has a facebook page and I set up one also. I routinely check it for pics and what she is doing.

I feel very sad when I see that she posts "she is yeah screwed." or having trouble in her classes.

I feel like I should be there for her. She lives in another state though. I tried to go and stay with her, but only was able to for a few weeks.

I feel like punishing myself for not living up to my responsibilities as a mother even though he has sole physical and legal custody. I am a complete and total failure in my life because of this action of mine.

My ex-husband also says that I only think of myself and need to learn to think in terms of family?

Answer 1

punishing yourself- why not try to forgive yourself first? sounds like this is where you need to begin and once you do then the small steps of repair will become within your reach. Repair also requires forgiveness. Once you empower yourself with this grace all becomes workable. In terms of family once needs to understand the concept and ties that come with. In some situations over compensating for the wrongs we have done become clouded and we cannot see the good we have accomplished. Be grateful for the opportunity you have at hand (do not count the days) to be a MOTHER, for there are those who will never have the opportunity.. Take my advise- love you for who you are- love your daughter as part of you- leave the negativity alone- focus on inner happiness and your whole world will be a much brighter and productive place.

Answer 2

Given that your ex husband has sole custody of your daughter, I'd say you probably screwed up pretty good. I'd also guess you haven't been there for your daughter in the past. I'd also guess that his statement that you only think of yourself and not your family is also pretty accurate. Again, I'm basing all this on the fact that your ex has sole custody.

However, I'm going to tell you that all is not lost. You (hopefully) realize your actions were wrong, and they have cost you dearly. You're not the only one suffering though, your daughter's life has probably been a living hell for some time. Punishing yourself will serve no purpose, and is in fact, thinking only of yourself (again.) Instead, do whatever you need to do to correct your life, and get it turned around. Get counseling for your problems. Take the steps in your life to be a good mother to your daughter. At first, it will have to be long distance, but hopefully you can get your life straightened out, and move to where your daughter is living. You are not a complete and total failure, you're still living and breathing, you still have a chance to turn your life around, you just have to want to badly enough. It's not going to be easy, but it will be very worthwhile in the end. I wish you all the best of luck.

Answer 3

I think as a parent (particularly, a mother) it is normal to feel guilty. However, I personally believe it is counter-productive for you to want to beat up on yourself for not living up to your responsibilities.

Try to focus on the positive aspects of your involvement with your daughter (however limited). Be realistic, do the best you can with what you've got. Don't view yourself as a failure in your life. Try and remember this: "If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down."

Answer 4

Your not a failure as a mom! She is still your child and you still have time to make a difference in her life! Dont let your ex get between you and your daughter. But be your daughters mom as well as her friend. Dont dump on her or tell her things for her to tell her dad thats hard as a child to see your parent upset or having a hard time and you as a child cant help the situation or make it better. Moms are someone that is not replaceable and you never forget so dont let this time go by while you still have it with you. Live every moment with your daughter as if you could loose her tomorow. Dont forget to tell her you love her and you are there for her whenever she needs you! When my mom says that to me its a very important thing to me :)

Answer 5

If she is doing so badly, why not try talking to a lawyer about maybe getting the custody order changed? If her dad is gone and she is being taken care of by her grandmother, it might be in her best interests to live with you.


....that is, unless I don't understand what you wrote...or unless you don't want custody of her.

Answer 6

If you can afford a tutoring service for her, why not pay for that to show that you do care about her?
If you are on speaking terms with the grandmother, ask if she can locate a center for you.
Here in the Midwest we have one called Sylvan.

Answer 7

first off you are not a complete and total failure......secondly, you can have a relationship with your daughter even though she is in a different state; a daughter needs her mom to talk to....send her cards, call her...have her call you...visit when you can, surely she can visit you, one state away is not that far.....

Answer 8

Sounds like you already know what to do about your life.Now get off your @$$ and fix it.Changing things takes work and you are not going to get it done sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

Answer 9

you should just read it and see if shew is lonly and come to her and make her self feel joy and only a minute of sadness

Answer 10

give us the reasons he got sole custony. It would probably help us all!