Could u rate my poem?

Question

Cold, the darkness that lives within,
The force that drives my heart into eternal pain,
The sixth sense that drives me into crazed insanity,
And toward insomniac pits of doom and dispair.
The feeling I get when I'm alone,
I'm always alone, I'm always cold
My knowing that I'm the only one like me,
The hatred I get because of the nonapproving winds surrounding me.

Yea its not finished yet, but i just want your opinion on what i have so far

To all of the people who said that they read it, I wrote it and i don't plagerize

I'm a girl 13 yrs old and i'm a little bit gothic and emo for the ppl that asked

Answer 1

14/20 This poem is dark, why not but it isn't that intense, you could have given a stronger impression with rhymes and more imagery. Everything is cold but how did you get there?

Answer 2

10

Answer 3

10

Answer 4

The strongest words in English are verbs, and the strongest verbs are active. Active verbs literally move your imagination, lighting up your brain's motion centers. Transport your readers through the world you want them to see, rather than just telling them what it looks like. Drive your readers into your frozen heart, craze them with your pits of insomnia and doom. Make them walk the same path you are walking, until they know the cold just as well as you do. Some verbs you could use would be: live, drive, craze, feel, freeze, chill, know, hate, disapprove, surround. Feel free to invent verbs, or to intentionally misuse a verb so as to create a new meaning for it. For example, you could make "cold" into a verb by using it as a verb: "The darkness colds me" sort of sounds like a cross between darkness holding you and darkness making you cold. As another example, "craze" is not a verb of motion, but you could make it a verb of motion by using it that way: "The sixth sense crazes me toward insomniac pits of doom and despair."

Nouns can also help carry the weight of your poem, but use them as things between which verbs move, rather than the focal point of the sentence. Make sure you choose your nouns with precision. In a poem, you want to think of all the possible meanings of each word you use and make sure you don't choose one that has meanings that don't reflect your idea. For example, a "pit" is both a hole in the ground and an underarm. Consider the similar word "pitfall," literally meaning a hole in the ground that serves as a trap, and figuratively meaning something in your life that serves as a trap. It sounds like "pit," so it alludes to the cliche phrase "pit of despair," but it puts a new spin on things.

As for adverbs and adjectives: use them sparingly and only when they add true meaning to something. Don't use them to create melodrama, such as with "crazed insanity" and "eternal pain." Melodramatic phrasing actually detracts from the emotional impact of a poem because it makes all the rest of the content seem weak by comparison. If you avoid words like "eternal" and "doom," all of the other words will seem more dramatic just because they are no longer being compared to infinitudes. And subtlety will smoothly get you into a person's subconscious.

Finally, remember this maxim: Every word in a poem either carries weight or is weight to be carried, and the best poetry is lighter than air.

Answer 5

On a 1-10 scale a 7, beautiful

Answer 6

Very nice! If you don't mind 2 bits of constructive criticism, try changing "I'm always alone, I'm always cold" to "I'm always cold, I'm always alone." And in the last line, "The hatred I get from disapproving winds..." See if that doesn't improve the rhythm.

Answer 7

I like it. The only advice Id really give you is to not overly word things. Simple is beautiful. Especially with poems like this. You want your reader to be able to identify with it, and not have to think about the meaning of the words, but only what it means to them. Good job though. i absolutely love it. You should post the finished product on here. :]

Answer 8

Poetry is an amazing way to get out the way you are feeling. I say the beginning of your poem is a very well written piece of work. Keep up the good work!

Answer 9

minus 3

Answer 10

I've already read that poem like 10 times. Get some originality. I'm brutally honest when it comes to poetry.