Why is it the consensus of opinion that when you get married, sex stops?

Question

What can be done to change this consensus? - Jackie Collins.

Answer 1

Passion lasts through the courtship. Familiarity and the mundane lifestyle then takes over after a lengthened period of time. The rhythmic pattern of daily life removes the spontaneity and passion from a relationship.
What can be done to change this...simple...always remember that sex is one part of the marriage that can always be exciting, spontaneous, joyful, passionate... Incorporate it into the the monotony (ie do the laundry and do it while doing the laundry..). And of course to change this consensus people have to stop complaining that they aren't getting enough and actually do something productive to make it happen. Stop the whinging - action is key.

Answer 2

A consnesus, really? I thought it was a fact!
You know what it is? When people start out togehter as boyfriend and girlfriend, move on to fiance then husband & wife.
It doesn't end there. Especially when you have children. You take on the additional role of a parent. There is shift in priorities that some people never learn to handle and it leads to neglected wifes, busy fathers and abandoned children.
Then it gets passed down to the next generation.
Unless, they are smart enough to see how a neglected home they came from and start to make the effort in their own lives when the same situation starts to arise.
Sex is great but you don't get up and leave your marriage if you are not meeting your monthly "quatas". Everything in life has it's place some have more priroties then others. Sex would certainly take a back seat for me if my mate was not up to it. You learn to focus to prioritize what's important ..your children. I guess sex maybe does not stop but does grind to a slow crawl.
Educating the masses that marriage is about wearing different hats and each one has certain priorities that must be met before you put the other one on.
So if it's only an opinion by the consensus that sex stops when you get married.
I guess I still have hope then!

Answer 3

Jackie, if there is anyone who knows about sex, it is you. I hope this is a general question and not a personal one. I am your age. Yet, the stereotype of sex being a thing of the past once the wedding bells stop chiming is rendered by those who have not experienced much sex prior to marriage. Sex is the element in our lives that involves all the senses, I believe that sex stops when life moves from our body to another dimension. Now to answer your question. Once a consensus takes hold in a society there is little any one person can or will do to change that belief. Just ask Richard Nixon. The one thing that may bring about the end to the consensus that sex stops when you get married, is a new book from you exhorting the quality of sex long into the marriage with every racy thought you ever imagined applied to your script. Start writing girl.

Answer 4

Hello Jackie, I am a retired old bloke and live on a small farm in the country in Australia. This has long been a puzzle to me also. Why is it that some marriages last a lifetime and others fail in varying time frames? Mine ended after 21 years and it nearly killed me.
I would question your broad statement that it is indeed the consensus and also the term you use "Sex" in my opinion 'Sex" is the physical aspect of what I think is a much better term - "making love". The most important aspect of a relationship between a man and a woman is what is in their hearts, not how their bodies are displayed. Many women and men fall for the mistake of showing off their sexual bodies thinking that this will attract a partner. There is an old couple well into their 80's who sit in front of me at Church. You can see that the spark of true love is still with them as they sit close and hold hands. I think we have been conditioned by the media and commercial advertising to twist our minds into thinking that your appearance is the most important thing. Any thinking man or woman will realise that it is the person you have to live with. I had a motto when I was young and still apply it. "First of all, learn to love the person, and when your minds are deeply in love, this love can then be expressed though the body" not the other way around. I take every opportunity to tell young people asking questions on this site to make a list of what it is you both want out of life and then compare lists. True love (not sex) never dies and how beautiful it is when you find it.
Best wishes,
Grandpa

Answer 5

It shouldn't be the consensus; however, after the honeymoon wares off and thing settle in sex becomes less important than some other things, such as running a house, children and careers. You have to find time for your spouse and sex should be a mutually satisfying thing for both of you and should never be neglected. Happy homes have love and love has to be shown between the two spouses, especially when children are involved. Make time for sex and have it as often as you want it, and both spouses need to make the time for the other, even when not in the mood. Take your spouse on mini vacations, as vacation sex brings you back to the type of sex you had before the marriage and during the first year or so, and always remember why you married each other, and it should not have been just for the sex. When you get along with your spouse in most everything else sex will happen much more often than if you are constantly at odds, so you have to work at your marriage and give and take to make it the best it can be, and then the sex will always be there.

Answer 6

The longer you are married the more you have to work at being creative sometimes, but it definitely doesn't stop. I can't speak for anyone else, but in my relationship sex has actually gotten better over time. I believe people view married people that way because of the responsibilities we have such as kids, jobs, bills, PTA, etc. and all the stress that goes along with it. If you are committed to your partner you find the time. I think it is more romantic and interesting for people to view non married couples as having a more active sex life. I thought the same thing when I got married. I think if married couples just speak up about how it really is in a marriage that can help a little in changing the consensus.

Answer 7

The consensus can be changed by us as people highlighting the happily married couples instead of the 30min marriage and 18 divorces, that we see everyday on TV. Instead of oohing and ahhing over the young girls who are acting promiscuous. Ask the people who have been happily married for years what it feels like to know that the man you love is by your side and still thinks you are as beautiful or more so than the first day you two met! Let people know that sex is natural and beautiful, and that it's okay for old married couples to have sex too!I think that sometime women hold out for emotion reasons. Feelings get hurt so they will not want to have sex. ( most of the time I am sure the husband has no clue as to why our feelings are hurt) I am only saying women because most men ask for it to where the women do not. That is why the women have the power. ( which is not good) We should be asking for just the same. Maybe that would spice up all oo ours marriages LOL

Answer 8

I disaggree with a lot of the opinions on here. As someone who has been married almost five years and has been in this relationship for over eight, I know that it can actually get better! You get to the point of being very comfortable and able to talk about the things you like or want to try. I do know people that are unwilling to speak up about the way a partner does something. Your spouse cannot read minds and doesn't know if you do/don't like somethiing or to change it. Couples need to be more open with each other to make their sexlives more exciting as well as satisfying. And a lot of times, couples keep that private. A happy marriage has no room for modesty inside the bedroom. Besides, I think that consensus is used as an excuse to not get married by some. And also an excuse to cheat for others.

Answer 9

Several things kill the ardor in a marriage. First off, marriage itself is symbolic of an act of seduction. A man pursues a woman, he gets her, she's lost her mystery. This holds true on a Saturday night at a singles bar and it holds true when the honeymoon is over. The second thing that nullifies any passion one may have is that people have the hardest time accepting change. She expects him to be the wavy haired lifeguard with the washboard abs and stay that way for all his days, and he expects her to be the pretty young thing without the sags and thickening. Children take away more sex for the simple reason that one cannot be as spontaneous or vocal anymore. There can be nothing more blush inducing than having a 4 year old asking "Mommy, why did you keep saying 'harder' last night?" Oddly enough, the biggest sex-killer is a TV. Instead of looking at each other, you're watching a flickering box. It is possible for sex to continue in a marriage, but one has to learn to adapt, and the relationship has to be a rare combination of factors to keep the heat going. As to how we can change the consensus that sex stops in a marriage, that's a little more problematical. It is a message that is reinforced by the media and society itself.

Answer 10

You know I used to think this was something that was said but not really accurate until I became a member of a woman's group. After awhile it became pretty evident and in fact was a common source of complaint amongst the women that their once a week 'sex date' or for some once a month didn't happen. So this belies the idea that it is the women who put a hold on sex! I realized that out of the group I and one other lady were totally unusual because we were having sex at least 3 times a week with our husband's. LOL we had thought THAT was average apparently not!

I think the consensus is accurate unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons why:

1. Busy lives and exhaustion
2. Couples have time... young parents often don't!
3. There is no challenge... your partner is lying next to you so people don't feel as much urgency. Like talking to NY, NY residents who say .." You know I've never been to the Statue of Liberty". For some people easy accessibility decreases the urge to do something.
4. When dating ...people fix themselves up... they feel very excited being together and want to connect. When married some people let themselves go.
5. Foreplay... when dating the woman dresses up, pays attention to the man and he does the same. They are trying to impress each other. Once married... some people feel like they don't need to. An example of this is my Ex. He would want to have sex when spontaneously which was great . But often without showering , or when one of us was sick. Constantly having sex with someone who is dirty from work, or when I didn't feel attractive wasn't a good thing. In fact during the separation he did shower and make an effort and it reminded me of how many years he had not and had forced me to go along with it. So in a way making the effort back fired on him. I had bemoaned the lack of effort, mentioning it to him etc during the long marriage. But... I accepted him as he was thinking that he was just casual and didn't really know how to make the effort. When he did years later it was a slap in the face! I knew he had known all
along but thought he didn't have to!!!

From what I hear ... many couples just won't have sex . One person is usually wanting it more than the other and the other person will just say 'no' eventually. I can't help but think that this often is related to little foreplay or concern for both partners feelings. Once married people assume they have the right to sex and don't need to make an effort. That is a fatal sexual mistake any many marriages.

Sooo my long answer to your great question is... I don't think the consensus is inaccurate what we need to do is change the way people perceive the role of sex in marriage .

Answer 11

Are you THE Jackie Collins? If so, you already know the answer! If not, I just have to tell you that I was married for 22 years, been divorced now for 16 and I have had more wild, crazy, sweet, sex as a single gal than I did in all the years I was married! Let's face it! Today, there are no taboo's about having sex while single. That means -- no strings or obligations attached to the act. Marriage means this is the only partner forever, along with legal and family responsibilities. Those pressures take the "fun" out of the sex life of marrieds and that is why it dwindles down to a boring duty rather than the romantic intimacy that it is intended to be.

just my opinion...but you asked.