i have a question about marriage?

Question

my husband and i fight a lot about what is says is my problem with "just letting things go". what i cant get him to understand is that i dont feel that the problem was ever resolved. for example...his mother has a tendency to discuss personal matters with him without me being present. i have asked him many times to nicely tell his mother that the conversation needs to be continued when his wife is present. more specifically she will be discussing our finances or how we raise our child. i then ask him why he continues to allow his mother to have these conversations with him without me there, and he blows up at me. how do i fix this huge problem?

i wanted to elaborate on my question. first of all, i feel that what they talk about is my business because she will discuss things like our spending habits, our bills, or going out to dinner and our social life. as well as how we raise our child and when she goes to bed at night and when she goes to the doctor and what kind of clothes she wears ect. the latest is she offered to help us buy a house. but we have to buy the house thats next door to her sister, and she has to be on the mortgage. and when i tell my husband to let her know that these topics are my business, he gets mad at me and tells me shes just trying to help.

Answer 1

I think you need to chose your battles. If you keep on him about every little thing that bothers you, it'll just make you look like a nag and he'll tune out. For me personally, I wouldn't think the issue of his mother talking to him when you're not around is too big of a deal. It may be bothersome but not worth fighting over.

Answer 2

Boy, this sounds a little familiar to me. I went with a guy for 12 years...finally broke up a couple years ago. He met my family (there far away) a couple of times. Before my mom even talked or met him she said he sounded alot like his mom. I didn't particularly care for his mother and that's probably why she said it to make me "aware" of that. My Dad in a conversation with him about meeting him for the first time said he thought he was a Momma's Boy. To this day I'm not even sure what a momma's boy is but I'll tell you why I'm answering your question. He was constantly complaining to me about her (his Mom) but on the other hand would always have very long phone conversations with her (and she lived locally). He would do most of the things she needed help with, even though he had 2 other brothers that lived just as close to her. I don't know why that goes on to tell you the truth...In re-reading your question though....does he initiate the conversations or is it his Mom that's just being nosey and asks the questions. Maybe all it is is she's concerned with the two of you and because she know's her son better than you...(cause it's her child) she can tell just by talking to him and how he reacts how things are going. On the other hand if you have a mom or dad or sister or a girl friend...ever talk to them about anything, including your life? Oh, and sometimes and this is very true in some cases. You can never get inbetween a son and mother. Sometimes the girlfriend or the wife will always be number 2 too that son, no matter how old he is Mom will always come first. I wish you luck with this, its a tough one, and maybe one that will never get resolved. In that case if you love him and want to stay with him its something you might just have to come to terms over and deal with it the best you can. Other than that I don't know what else I can tell you that might help. MLJ

Answer 3

For a large part of his life, his mother was the only female whos opinion really mattered to him. Its hard to break old habits, he most likely feels that youre trying to make him choose between his mother and yourself.

Im sure you discuss a lot of things with your mother about your child and your finances, so think of it like that.

You're right of course to feel like you're being ostrasized from something that 100% involves you. Maybe if you were to speak with his mother straight on, but then he might feel you were going behind his back.

Perhaps, a better idea would be to schedual a dinner just the two of you in a nice relaxing resturaunt, after a wine and a good meal, over dessert you could bring up how much the situation upsets you. Because hes in a public place and is most likely in a good mood, theres less a chance hed blow up and more likely he would be willing to listen with a more calm attitute.

Another thing is, men and women are so incredibly different. Women like things to be discussed to death, which is healthy because it usual ends with a good amount of closure. Men will avoid talking about emotional/dramatic things because it makes them feel out of place. While he may think its better to just brush things aside and let them role of his back, you feel the need to really get it all out on the table.


Id suggest working on this befor it starts to become a big ball of resentment in each of you and you start nitpicking at things that shouldnt be that big of a deal because of the bigger things you arnt talking about.


Goodluck, the fact that you are so concerned about fixing the issue just shows the strength of your marriage, im sure it will work out =]

Answer 4

You dont and wont. Youve married a mommas boy. As long as mommy is around this problem will continue. His mother has a huge control hold over him and both know very well whats happening here. Basically, his mother wont let him stop this and has the ability to control him. I would have to guess he is either the only child or the youngest and mom is afraid to let him go so as long as he returns to her she is happy. Hes trying to keep both worlds happy here even though you cant stand it. The more he goes to mommy with the juicier the news the more she likes it. So as long as mom is around the problem will remain and you only have two choices 1. live with the problem trying to avoid "feeding" the hotline unless absolutely necessary or 2.get out of the equation. Good luck

Answer 5

My husband speaks to his family about some things I think he shouldn't. Make a stand the way I did. That way he will learn. For example right in front of his mother. When speaking of your child, come right out and say. Well I'm the mother and your the father this is between us as the child's parents. In my case I'm very out spoken my husband knows better then to try my patience in front of family or who ever. I'll say what I must right there on the spot. I won't wait to be in the car or at home. Also to a certain point he will always do this. Your husband. Because my husbands mother died years ago. I felt she didn't like me. And there fore I also disliked her and made no effort on my part for it to change. While she was alive also while dead. I don't speak bad about her to him. I don't even mention the woman. The way I see it. It's his mother. I imagine while she was alive she had to hold her tongue about me. At least in his and my presence she did. If she knew what was good for her and cared about her son.

Answer 6

Your husband has a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes it takes time for things to sink in as does with my husband. He won't admit I am right till it takes a few trys my way. Perhaps when you have them both together you should have a conversation with his mom and him stating that this is family and that you want to be present when you are the basis of a discussion or anything that directly involves you, finances, children or what ever you deam needed. If the discussion fails to bring the desired results then you will have to resort to other means. My husband is the same way. He says I need to let "it" go. Well when I am done with " it" I will set the little bugger free but until then beat the crap out of " it" LOL
Good luck on your next conversation. If all else fails think of it in this way. Perhaps he wants his moms advice as to what to do. Advice is 'free' just take it with a grain of salt and handle accordingly.

Answer 7

First of all let me say that once a Mommas boy always a mommas boy. I don't really understand why you are getting upset that they talk. You will one day talk to your children and not wait to do so with a spouse present. Mothers do that. It is still his mother. I know, it sucks sometimes but my husband and his mother are the same way. Remember that you two live together and have a future together. A family together. Just value that she even has an opinion and that she even has anything to do with your children in the first place. It shows that she loves them. Mothers always have been and always will be the ones that know everything and how you should do it, Don't you?

Answer 8

Write down everything your feeling about this .Then when the two of you have some time read it to him.He can't say anything until you are done reading.Put your heart into this ,make him understand how and why this bother's you.If you let thing's go to long they can get away from you .Gen.2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother ,and shall cleave unto his wife ; and they shall be one flesh.Ask him not to blow up at you, see if you can talk about thing's like friend's pretend your on a date .

Answer 9

Honey, I know exactly what you mean....listen, he hasn't come to the realization that all of that (what he's talkin about w/ mommy) is not of her beeswax and he should be discussing it w/ you. My wife does the same thing and the mother-in-law always has an opinion (unsolicited of course) about everything.. She's on the phone w/ her at 10pm when I'm like "come to bed already". Listen he just needs to tell mommy he's got a new Mama to be w/ and to talk to....I know some people w/ say "Oh but they're close.....and that special..." BS you're his wife....you both need to talk about all of that stuff and tell mommy to go get on her broom.....

Answer 10

Why do you think you should be in on private conversations between your husband and his mother? Respect his privacy. Not every breath he takes is your business, no matter what the circumstances.

On the other hand, if these conversations between your husband and his mother result in his being critical of you, it is that criticism that needs to be addressed, not the fact that he discussed something with his mother.

Work on your feelings of insecurity. When you feel better about yourself, you won't care what he talks about with the mother who raised him. Your marriage isn't supposed to mean that you will both sever all ties with the families you grew up in.