If your man cheated...?

Question

And he wants to work it out, how do you KNOW its for real? How do you KNOW he's sincere? That he really wants YOU. I'm so confused cuz he said he had an affair cuz he wasnt happy, but he never treated me bad while it was happening. Like i have nothing to compare it too. Like behavior during the affair as opposed to now. I constantly find myself throwing phrases in his face like: thats what you said then, or thats what you promised then, or thats what you did then. He says that was then and I wasnt myself then, this is now and please accept me for who I am today. He has me so "jacked up in the head". I dont know what to believe. He is trying so hard, to make it right, that much I can tell, but theres always that lingering doubt when I compare the personalities he had then to now. Theres not much different. someone please help me, i dont know what to do or what to think.

Answer 1

I wouldn't believe anything a lying cheater ever said.
I'd imagine him naked in bed with some woman, riding high, doing all kinds of things, enjoying it while lying to me and I'd puke. He could never ever make it right. I'd always imagine him doing the nasty with his lover.

Answer 2

I wish I could give you an answer that would calm your poor tormented mind, but the truth is, you will NEVER know for sure if he's real or if he will or won't do it again. If you want to try to get past this, you just have to take the risk of doing that. If your trust has been obliterated for good, and you're always going to be throwing up things in his face, or wondering who or what he's doing, or where he's going, then you might need to consider moving on. Sometimes the damage is permanent and irreversible. That's the chance HE took when he did what he did. Now it's all about YOU. Whether HE wants to work it out or not is not the issue. What YOU want IS the issue! Can you get past this? If so, get serious about working on that, and get real in your head, and understand, that this is a RISK. You are taking a chance. Maybe he learned his lesson and will never do it again. Maybe he'll be better at hiding and lying...and do it to you again. You have to make the call on if HE'S worth the risk or not...but one thing is for sure...you cannot go on like this. Good luck to you!

Answer 3

Sounds like he's sincere. He already done what's required: he did end an affair, and he is trying very hard.

I know you want to "make sure" it doesn't happen again. You'll keep doing it for a while. But refrain from throwing it in his face all the time. You might wanna consider couple's counseling.

Here is a good website to help you get through this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com it talks about how to survive infidelity and have a happy thereafter.

Answer 4

You need to give the man another chance and I do understand that it is hard to get over something where the person has cheated. If he has said that he has changed then give him another chance. Some people do and can change after an affair. I do not believe in the saying -"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Give the man another chance as I am sure that you both still love each other. At least he is making an effort to change.

Answer 5

First of all you love him or you wouldnt be going so nutz right now. You wouldn't even care that he wants to work it out, Right? People are always saying once a cheater always a cheater and that just isn't true. You need to ask yourself what do you want to happen. Do you want it to work out? And how would you feel if he wasnt' in your life anymore? And if you realize that you do want it to work then you need to ask him why he wasn't happy. Remember you are two different people. Dont get me wrong im not saying that you need to fix whatever he was supposedly so miserable about but help him to find out how to be happy. And be very careful what you say to him, your feelings are hurt but honestly do you want to cause him pain and if you do then why. Communicate here find out why the bad things that happened happened and work it out. Be calm and never hold any truths against each other in the future. Good luck i hope this helps. Just remember Everything can be fixed you just have to figure out what you are gonna do with it to claim it " all better"

Answer 6

Have you ever read Dante's Inferno?It talks about there being 9 levels of hell. 9 being the worst ,the belly of the beast.The 5th level is where murderers go.They kill the body but the soul goes on to wherever. But the 9th level is where traitors go,back stabbers & betrayers.Someone who betrays the trust of someone who trusted them w/ their hearts and when they betray that trust, the pain is so great that it kills the soul and leaves the body to go on w/out it. We become un-trusting,cinical & less likely to really love again with our whole hearts because we'd be afraid of getting hurt again.And this will be the people we become.Certainly not the people God intended us to be Right?This is very offensive to God.That perfect soul he created could be lost forever. We're only human and he understands our fears. We're unable to live in peace. That pain is everlasting.Most of us felt like that pain would kill us.The way you feel is justified.There is no quick fix,either. It's greif.Your in mourning.I'm sure the pain felt like it reached your soul when you found out, right?Well, it did. I don't know what your husband can do to make it up to you.Even if he's doing all the right things,it won't matter if you (body and soul) aren't ready.And whose to say if ever.Unfortunately,your husbands actions were extremely damaging&He doesn't know the extent of it.You can't be held responsible.There's no telling where this will take you.If you remain married to work this out, expect bumps in the road back.Be gentle to yourself, you've been injured,all the way down to your soul...You said there's not much difference in his personality between then and now. What's different is You.Your senses will be keen now.Your inocense is gone for ever.You may never trust him again.that's why it's so offensive to God.Offensive enough to send the offenders to the 9th level...The traitors, not you.

Answer 7

WOW...LOL you just described my past 2 months. Fiance cheated and is doing the same thing and I think the same as you. The real issue I think, is that he used you and the relationship as a scapegoat for cheating. Sometimes a relationship is not that bad but the guy wants to feed his ego or excitement or find some new love to make him feel adored. Email me if you want. I found lots of friends that were cheated on (physically and emotionally) that I talk to. I am just being cautious in what I believe. I also think if you are not in counseling you stand a chance of it happening again. This is not something you simply forgive without finding the root reasons and intentions.

Answer 8

Sometimes if you are a strong type of person you can make it work by forgiving him
because he may be really sorry & was drunk or felt unloved at the time
but it will be very hard for you because you will have doubts for quite a while
but never ever forgive him the second time & make that extremely clear that it will be the very last time you will forgive him
but myself i could never forgive i would bring it up forever & by doing that
that would wreck the relationship because you cant expect him to wear it forever if you know what i mean
you know like a prison sentence

Answer 9

Cheating really does ruin a relationship. I think if you already gave him the chance to redeem himself then you have to forget about it and truly give him that chance otherwise leave the relationship, because you will then ruin it with mean remarks. If you are going to forgive then you have to forget and start new if not then you get out!

I would get out I gave a man in my past a second chance a year later he did it again, the only reason i found out was because he got her pregnant.
For me once a cheater always a cheater.

Answer 10

I'm in the same position with my husband. He cheated on me six years ago and I still have not forgiven him. I don't throw it in his face as much as I used to but I still have a hard time trusting him. But he doesn't really try to get the trust back. I'm not sure what your husband is doing to regain that from you. If you see that he is really trying you will definitely want to stop throwing stuff in his face. I know it's hard but you have to figure out what is more important to you. Being mad forever or making this work. Good luck!

Answer 11

that is true that you are hurt... but is up to you give him another opportunity... date him again.. is what I can say.... have many circuntances for a person cheat... I not said that is right.. but sometimes people change and become better person... than before... but.. if you go to give him the opportunity.. you need to erase... but not forget... and in every discussion or arguement dont bring that again... and again... because how you go to be happy with the guy if you not erase that .. I recommende that you watch the movie (two can play that game) but if you can erase (forget) you need to let him go... and move on... is better be alone and happy.. than with someone that you CAN'T trust...... because in the end is this you need to learn to trust this guy again.. and he need to learn to win that again... if you no want to let him go... go to a terapy... or find a friend that can listen...