16 years ago, I got a girl pregnant, but she wouldn't get a test to prove that I was the father?

Question

now the girl found me on myspace and she looks just like me. I'm married now and have 2 kids of my own, I love them tremendously, 16 years ago i fell in love with this girl and was going to get married, my father manipulated me and her to think something that was not true so she left. and I let her go. Now we have been talking and both discovered that had we known the truth about what my father had done, we would have gotten married and live out our life.

We have both fallen in love all over again, our flame has been re-ignited. but we also love our spouses (who were not even in the picture 16 years ago) We both know that our love is true, but cant figure out how to deal with it. neither one of us wants to destroy our excisting families, but we can't deny our love. If we lived closer to one another we would no doubt act out our love in a phyisical manor, but we live 2000 miles apart. someone please give some SOUND advise.

Answer 1

I can only say that I feel you are where u're suppossed to be. Things dont always work the way you want them to but you did move on and so did she. You're grown adults and maybe your heart cant help who it loves but, neither can your spouses. They are obviously clueless to this reunion but if you really do love each other, then do whats right for each other. Dont destroy what each of you has put love into already just to relive the past of what could have been. There are so many people here who will be affected by the decision you make and there are consequnces for acting out irrationally. Let her know that she'll always be special to you and that you'll always be there for your child, (if of course u and your child pursue a relationship) and leave it at that. The more you communicate, the more you'll be inclined to want to act out on your desires. Be thankful for the beautiful life that no doubt has had so many blessings and cherish it to its last moment. Be happy that you were at least able to express your love to the one you otherwise might never had heard from again and leave it be for now. The future may someday bring you back together so dont be sad about the past. Instead leave it where it was, behind.......

Answer 2

First and foremost get the DNA testing done so you know exactly how you stand as the father of this child.

Have you paid child support for this child for the last 16 years? If you haven't and the DNA testing comes back that you are the father, then you better get yourself to Family Court and at least start paying for this child.

Once you get the DNA testing done, then I would tell your wife that you have a child from 16 years ago and that you want to meet her and so on. At this point you also have to tell your children that they have a half brother or half sister.

In everything that you wrote, I see nothing about this child you both have together. All I am reading is that if this woman was closer you would jump into bed with her.

You really need to prioritize your thinking about this situation as you have an awful lot to lose here. You may end up totally losing your marriage and your two children and end up having to pay child support for your own two children and alimony to your wife.

There are children involved here on both sides that you really need to focus your brain on and not on the fact that you rekindled something through a computer.

Think man, think, before you do something you can never, ever take back.

Answer 3

Listen. That was 16 years ago. You are thinking in the time frame of 16 years ago. You both have matured, and I guarantee you that you have changed. You're both "hooked" on the fairy tale younger love that you felt at the time. If you really love your spouses, just leave it there, where we all leave our first loves. We never, ever forget them. We believe we still "love" them, but it's just different. You have a good life now. It's okay if you tell your wife about the daughter that might be yours. Find out for sure...and build a relationship. But if you feel tempted at ALL to do anything that would destroy your wife, (who has undoubtedly done nothing but LOVED and stood by you), then do yourself a favor and KEEP those 2000 miles between you. The best way to fight temptation is to AVOID it. Lastly, think about what you'd want your WIFE to do if she was the one faced with this situation. You'd hope she'd love you and respect the years you've spent together enough to make the right choice...to do the right thing. We all want what we can't have. Sometimes you have to get your head out of your rear long enough to be an adult...and just do what you know you're supposed to do. This is one of those times.

Answer 4

This must be very difficult and troubling for both of you. But at the present time, it is nowhere near as problematic as it could be, were you to find a way to see each other on a regular basis.

You simply have to do everything in your power to prevent what you both are fantasizing about -- a reunion and a physical expression of your renewed relationship.

You know if that were to happen, two loving families would suffer grievously. You and your ex-girfriend have created an idealized relationship that has not been put to the test. If the two of you were to get together, you may find the reality would not match your idealized view of things. In other words, you two have become re-infatuated, with all the potential negative consequences of any infatuation. The potential for everyone involved to suffer deeply includes the two of you.

It's easy to give advice, much more difficult for you both to accept it. But you have to give up on any notion the two of you should get together. If you both truly love your spouses -- and to be honest, I'm not sure you do -- you have to run away from each other -- once again. Your children and your spouses will suffer -- and they don't deserve to suffer.

Answer 5

Wow...that's a rough situation and I feel for you. The real question is...are you willing to risk your wife and family for something that you think will work, and if it doesn't work, what will you do? No one can tell you the answer to your question except for yourself. You have to figure out what your priorities are and if you are willing to risk the life you know and love for the unknown. Is it worth losing everything to be with your "old flame" or is it just that you are searching for something right now in your life and think that your "old flame" can give it to you and your wife can't. Your decision will affect every aspect of your life...your family, your job...EVERYTHING...Are you willing to suffer any consequences that come along with reuniting with your "old flame". I wish there was a definate answer to give you, but this is something you have to take time to think about and work out on your own.

However, you do need to have a relationship with your daughter regardless of the situation with her mother. Every daughter needs a dad and it would be selfish of you to deny your daughter of hers. If you question paternity, you can always have a DNA test. Then at least you would know for sure and not have to question it.

You may also want to sit down and have a long talk with your wife...even though hearing this will hurt, it's better that you tell her sooner than later.

I know this may sound a bit silly, but go to the book store and get the book "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks. It's kind of like this. There is a movie to it also, but don't get the movie...read the book. Some quiet time alone might be good for you and I think this book fits your situation.

Answer 6

Your TRUE love are your spouses. Wisen up. You have responsibilities and obligations that go way beyond anything that might have happened 16 years ago. You can't turn back time, so stop living in the past; you owe this much to you family. Love for a person you haven't seen and known for 16 years is NOT "true love"; face it, this person is gone, and is not coming back. It's like returning to a town you haven't seen since your childhood: the geographical features are still there, but the town of your childhood is gone; you can't travel back, no matter how much you long for it. Move on.

Answer 7

Wow...that's rough....just remember what they say and what I believe..."Everything happens for a reason"...even if neither of you had any part in it, there was a reason why you were split up...you will never know why. Don't dwell on the coulda, shoulda, woulda stuff either...it's not healthy. What's important now is YOUR family and the life YOU have with them...how could you even possibly THINK of doing something to hurt them? STOP all contact with both of them for the best of EVERYONE involved. I'm curious as to how the "girl" found YOU on myspace??? Did she know you might be her father or what? The only people that "find" me on myspace are people I've known...I find it odd that a young girl would look for an older man for no reason...???

Answer 8

If you love your current wife, then you need to either stop contacting your ex or you need to tell her what's going on and what went on before you met her. The other thing is that you seriously need to get a DNA test to see if you are the father. I know all this is easier said than done, but it's not that hard to tell the ex that you really need to know. Just because a child looks like you, doesn't mean that the child is your blood. I'm telling you that you and the child need to know who the father is. At least from a health standpoint, you both should get the right information. Take it from me, my mother took that choice from me and now I can't even find (the man who is suppose to be) my father.

Answer 9

wow! that would make an awesome movie... That sounds difficult but if you really love the girl your with thn you can decide to just be friends with the 16 years ago girl. If you really and truly want to be with this girl then i would suggest saving up money to buy a plane ticket to visit her and spend some time with her. If you honestly think you should be with her get a divorce but i would think about how your wife would feel about that. you would probably be better off with the one you're with now. Besides you haven't had contact with the other girl for 16 YEARS. I don't know either of the girls but it's your decision. Your awesome family or a girl you got pregnant 16 years ago.

Answer 10

I married my high school sweetheart. We were married for 26 years. She got bored, started cheating year 20 and we got divorced year 26. She said she need to do something that makes her happy. Now she is miserable. Me not so much because I can look in the mirror be cause I faithful to my vows.

You have two choices: Destroy what you have now for
something you used to have which you will find may not be there anymore.

And in the end you can never go back, the faith is lost!