Am I Just a Nag or Am I Justified?

Question

My husband and I were smokers when we started dating. He smoked about 3 packs/day, and I was up to 1 1/2. Then, I found out I was pregnant and I tried to stop (got down to 1 cigarette per week and for whatever reason couldn't do better). He cut down a little, but could not quit. He said he was going to, but it would take time. It's been 7 months and he has actually increased. I have been nagging him about cutting down more because seeing him smoke is making me want to smoke and I keep blowing my goal once a week. I told him it needs to be a joint effort and that he needs to quit before the baby is born because even the chems. on clothing can cause problems with an infant, and that I really need his support in my efforts to be smoke-free (completely). We fight about it constantly because he just keeps smoking. He says I'm just nagging him and I should mind my own business in the situation. Problem is that his business affects mine. Should I shut up about it or am I right to nag?

Before anyone else feels the need to jump down my throat, I have quit smoking...BUT his smoking has been making that very very difficult. That's what I was trying to say.

Answer 1

I quit when I was pregnant and my (ex)husband didn't. He would go to great lengths to not smoke around me and not smell like smoke when he came home from work.
He continues to smoke to this day and that is his business. While my girls were infants, obviously there was no smoking going on around them, and they had no health issues--even from chemicals on clothes (which I don't know how much I agree with that anyway).
Maybe if you stop talking about it he will quit on his own. He is still under a lot of pressure with a new baby coming along, and he may just need some space to do it on his own.
Good luck! I know how much it sucks having to quit!

Answer 2

I had this same problem. You have EVERY RIGHT to do what you are doing!! Your husband should be ashamed for risking the health of you and your baby just so he can have a nic fix. There are so many other things he could do...nicotine inhalers (available through prescription) give you a buzz with the hand-to-mouth thing that people have such trouble with. There's the gum, the patch, whatever.

I'd lay down strict rules with him. There is no smoking within 100 yards of the house. If that means he has to walk to the end of the neighborhood, so be it. If he stay on your property, turn the garden hose on him. Also, if he *must* smoke, he has to shower and change before he sits on anything or touches you or the baby (once born). If you find his cigarettes, cut them up. Hide all lighters, ashtrays, etc.

If this pisses him off (and trust me, it will) stand your ground. It's not like you asked him to quit smoking yesterday. Offer to support his quitting in any way you can, but that you WILL NOT TOLERATE his habit endangering HIS CHILD any more!! Your child's health and your health IS "your business." Don't let it take a backseat to your hubby being an ***.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

You married a smoker. Sorry. You knew that in the beginning. When you say "for better or worse" this is exactly what it means.

However, when two people marry, they "become one". That means whatever one does effects the other. It IS very inconsiderate of him to continue to smoke around you. AND, it's inconsiderate in the fact that he is putting his own health at risk. He should be taking care of himself so he will be around for you and the child for a long time. But that is something he has to decide for himself.

I would ask him for a compromise. Since smoking IS bad for the baby (and the two of you) tell him you can accept that he smokes but he has to do it outside, not in the house and not around the baby. You can go online and find all kinds of studies that show how children of smokers have a higher rate of asthema and childhood illnesses (which cost money in doctors bills and medicine by the way) and other problems. Let him know that you accept him the way he his and you love him no matter what. But as parents, you have to make sacrifices for the children. Yours was giving up smoking (as much as possible). He needs to get on the band wagon and at least only smoke outside.

Stop nagging him. It will only make him dig his heels in even more.

If he won't smoke outside, tell him to buy an air purifiyer. The very best one is the Ionic Breeze made by Sharper Image. There are no other ones that work as well. They are expensive but they work the best. Get one for the baby's room at least. If you can afford it, get one for all of the rooms he smokes in. That will keep the air as clean as possible.

Face it. You married him knowing he smoked. You can't very well expect him to just give it up like you did.

Answer 4

In my own oppinion. If you really want something then you can have the will power to quit. You can not make your husband do anything he does not want to do. The more you nag him the more he is going to do it. For one because he feels like you are controling him and second because most people like things to be their decisions not someone elses. Like people have commented. Ask him to smoke outside where you can not see him, and ask him to wash up so as to not smell like smoke for your sake. If he is not willing to compromise then that gives you a clue that he isn't putting anything into your relationship. Also you need stick it out and quit even though it will be the hardest thing you have to do yet ( besides haveing a baby) the fact that you smokeing is more of a priorety than your husband quitting. Your baby will be affected in the long run.

Also, nagging wont make the situation better. Only you can find ways to make yourself happy and comfortable and smoke free around him. If he can't do it then work around him. Dont make youreself stressed out and unhappy.

Answer 5

You have every right to nag. When you are pregnant, you HAVE TO care better about this baby. Let him know that you are not ttrying to controll him, but there is alot of evidence that when a pregnant mother smokes (let alone a second-hand smoke being around the pregnant mother), it CAN effect the baby negatively. There are so many healthrisks involved and it will not kill either of you to "suck it up", be more strong and considerate not only for eachother, but gor the sake of your babie's health. You and your husband have the POWER to prevent a mentally challened and physically challenged baby. Make the right choice. No more "one cigarette a week" The baby, just like food and water .. is depending on the inhalation of the cig smoke. I suggest also the two of you going to a nearby free or inexpensive health care clinic to for eemotional support and counseling. Best of luck to you and you are going to be a great mother! :)

Answer 6

It would appear to me that you are nagging. I know that isn't the answer you want to hear, but it is an honest answer to the question you asked. You married this guy like he was, right? A smoker? That was all right with you then, but now you are trying to change him. Do you like him any less now than you did when you married him? Ask yourself that. If the answer is yes, then you didn't marry him but an image of him that you thought you could shape into what you wanted him to be. And that will never work. It betokens only eventual unhappiness. Let him smoke. Tell him to smoke outside when the baby comes. He is your husband, right? The man you married because you were in love with him? For goodness sake, he is trying. Let him smoke.

Answer 7

Doesn't matter how "right" you are.... Nagging's not working. So instead of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, it's time to change tactics.

First, you need to stop smoking. Stop blaming YOUR behavior on him -- you need to stop NOW for your baby's health.

Second, if he's smoking around you, you need to leave the room. Or, even better, ask him to smoke outside. Tell him you'll not nag him about quitting if he'll take it outside.

Finally.. get the book "Divorce Busting" from your local library or online. It has useful tools on how to change your partner's behavior, by changing your own.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You married a smoker... You chose him. While quitting would be THE right thing to do for both of you, it is a decision that each of you has to make for themselves. Nagging your husband about it will not accomplish much, and most likely will only jeopardize your relationship. If smoking is a deal-breaker, you would be justified in choosing to have a relationship with a non-smoker instead; but you can't marry a leopard and then demand he change his spots. Doesn't work this way. You'll have to adapt.

Answer 9

You shouldn't shut up, but you shouldn't be a nag either. Check out all of the alternatives. I quit for my 50th time, this past Jan 1, 2007 and have been smoke free, but I chew the heck out of nicorette gum. If your a member of BJ's wholesale club or Sam's or any of the other ones, they all have a generic brand of nicorette that is half the price of the regular ones. Make a pact with your hubby. When both of you are smoke free for six months, the money you save can be put toward something that he wants...a motorcycle....a boat, ...whatever. Give him incentives. Buy a bunch of celery sticks, and cut them up, and keep them in the frig. When the urge comes to light one up, open the frig and pull out something to chew on. If your not quitting cold turkey, make it difficult. Only smoke outside the house, and only in one designated spot. Keep a large jar filled 3/4 full with water. Dump all of the ashes, and butts in there, then put a lid on it. Every time you want to light one up, unscrew the lid and take a whiff. That is what you both smell like to people who don't smoke. If that doesn't stop you, then continue on the path, helping each other out, but don't nag....

Answer 10

Stop nagging. You are justified to feel the way you do , but until he is ready to stop smoking he will not stop. My ex stopped for 6 weeks and then went right back. He told me it was because I nagged him. We have been divorced 4 years he is still smoking, even with going thur 2 open heart surgeries, a pacemaker and defibulator. I don't know what his excuse is now.
Ask, him to smoke outside for your health and the babies. See if he will agree to that . That will be a start.