“You’re ruining my life!” It isn’t what any mother wants to hear, but she had no choice, they could barely afford to pay rent and besides it was an opportunity of a lifetime and she knew that this would be the answer to all there financial problems. His hands shook with anger, he screamed with rage “Why are you doing this?” He fell to the ground. He couldn’t take it anymore. Tears began to form from his eyes. A mother’s instinct is to be there for her child, but she knew that if she comforted him that it would anger him even more, it was no use, she felt guilty enough as it is. He struggled to pull himself up, he gave a hard cold stare into her eyes and with disgust he yelled “I hate you!” He slammed the door as hard as he could, the hinges shook violently. This was supposed to be an opportunity of a lifetime for them. She understood that all he ever worked for in New York would soon be coming to an end. This was going to be the fifth time they have moved in three years... continued
2007-04-30 05:48:52 · 5 answers · asked by wannabeomg 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
It's certainly wrought with angst and deep anger and emotion. But . . . what exactly is it about?
You've got to hook your reader from the first sentence. By the time they finish reading the first paragraph, the first page, they should have some idea of what the conflict is.
This is an argument, a disagreement, not a story.
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2007-04-30 07:44:54 · answer #1 · answered by §Sally§ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm confused. He comes across as a child at first, like he's 12 and throwing a tantrum. But then I get to the part where it says "all he ever worked for in New York would soon be coming to an end." So, now he's a grownup? Why does he still live with Mom and why should it effect him if she moves?
The emotions are definitely going to run strong here, so it'll be hard to heighten them as you go on. Perhaps if you started it with her telling him that they are moving? Or made this scene the climax, the rest of the story building up to whether or not he'll hate her? Once you get it straightened out so your reader can tell how old he is and the like, and get rid of a few useless words (like "with disgust" and "with anger" - we should be able to tell by his shaking hands and his yelling he's not happy) it'll make a good scene.
2007-04-30 13:00:21 · answer #2 · answered by Coyote 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is ok. But maybe the mother should try and say something instead of just hearing the mother's thoughts, if that's what they are.
Something like:
"You're ruining my life!"
"But..."
"No I don't want to hear it." It isn't what any mother.....
Something so the reader can get a feel that the mother isn't just standing there. She wants to help her son, and she should try too, even though in the end they are going to move. Maybe he shouldn't fall to the ground, and cry. Or if he does, he shouldn't leave. Do one or the other.
Instead of explaining in the mother's thoughts that there are financial problems she should try and explain and he cuts her off, says "I hate you!" And storms out.
It's pretty good so far, can't wait to see what happens.
Have an english teacher read it, they usually give pretty good advice.
2007-04-30 13:57:48 · answer #3 · answered by ladybug 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you just wasted 15 seconds of my life.
2007-05-01 17:27:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it creatively. Keep going.
One minor item: it should read: "had moved."
Good luck.
2007-04-30 12:57:28 · answer #5 · answered by Beach Saint 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋