Am I being disloyal to my husband and in-laws?

Question

Michelle has been my best friend for over a decade and we’re both in out late 20’s now. I married a really great, one in a million guy named Kevin 5 years ago and she married his younger brother Derek two years after that. Both our husbands are incredibly devoted to us and are extremely family oriented. The 4 of us pretty much had the life perfect life up until Derek was diagnosed with Leukaemia 6 months ago. Michelle’s mum battled and beat breast cancer when she was 17 and she couldn’t deal with going through all that again with Derek so she left him. Everyone was completely disgusted by her actions because he absolutely adored her and was devastated when she walked out . Her whole family lives in another state so she doesn’t really have anyone here. Even though I did the best I could to convince her to stay with him, after realizing she wasn’t going to change her mind I decided to remain her friend. This has caused a lot of problems in my marriage. The man who used to adore me now looks at me like a traitor. He feels incredibly hurt and betrayed by my actions and my mother-in-law who used to think the world of me hasn’t spoken to me in months .Why can’t my husband and in-laws understand that just because I haven’t cut her out of my life doesn’t mean I agree with her. I know I would never walk away from my husband at a time life this but I don’t feel like I have any right to judge her. My brother-in-law is responding well to treatment and the prognosis is good. How do I make peace with my mother-in-law and stop the constant fighting between my husband and I without cutting my best friend out of my life?

Answer 1

You aren't being disloyal. Anyone expecting you to make judgements is wrong. Their relationship is THEIRS, not yours, and it is wrong for anyone to put you in the middle of it. My guess is that that marriage was not stable enough to have been kept together anyway. You don't have to cut her out of your life, but she's not worth losing your own husband over either. Just keep your relationship with her on the down low. Your brother-in-law deserves the attention, your friend chose to walk out, so she's just going to have to take a back seat to everyone else. Her decision is causing friction in your marriage, that is unacceptable for a friend to do. She's a big girl, it's her decision to walk out on her husband when he's very ill, she's not that great of a friend or person. It doesn't make her "OK" if he gets well. What she has done is very selfish!

Answer 2

Yes you are being dis-loyal. And you are judging Michelle. When you say she does have the right to her actions, that is OK, but when you defend her to your family you have now jumped on her side and are turning your back on your family.
Maybe Michelle is having a hard time, that is understandable. When she severs her ties with her husband and family for this reason, that is not understandable, nor is it acceptable.

Machelle needs some professional help to work through her emotions. Would sh be acting the same way if the person with Leukaemia was her son? Would you be defending her as strongly? How would you feel if she were acting this way and it was yourself that had been diagnosed?

If you answer those last several questions you might see things differently.

Answer 3

I don't think you are being disloyal. If your friend really felt that she could not stay with Derek than it is better for both that she left him. Otherwise she could have seriously harmed his recovery. I can understand your in laws reaction to her. However, they should not be treat you badly because you have chosen to stay friends with her. When my step sons have broken up with girlfriends me and my partner have always remained friends with the ex. We also do not expect the whole family to fall out with someone just because we have.

My best friend is marrying my brother soon. However, if she left him, for whatever reason, she would still be my best friend.

Unfortunately I dont think there is anything you can do to change your in laws opinions. You should sit down with your husband though and speak to him. Tell him that you understand his feelings and can empathise, but she is your best friend and has been for a long time and you can't cut her out of your life and you don't think he is being fair. But remember, he is also suffering over his brother's illness.

I would suggest that you try to avoid speaking about your friend in front of your husband and his family and perhaps not invite her to your home but meet her at her home or somewhere nuetral.

Answer 4

She may have re-activated a past trauma and it caused her to panic and run. You should talk to her and get her to realize that this is an opportunity to rise above her fears and grow through the experience and beat those negative emotions. She married for better or worse, sickness and in health, and that means commitment, not running. It's her first big challenge and she failed. Everyone is angry at her for failing and angry at you for not sharing their anger. I would just try to coach her back to her responsibilities, and tell the others that she has reacted badly, so being hateful and judgemental isn't going to help the healing process, which everyone seems to need more than just the cancer patient. Stressful situations have a way of bringng out the best in the best and worst in others. Stay in the middle, don't get pulled either way.

Answer 5

I'm with you! Instead of taking sides, you are showing your loyalty to both of them no matter what. This may help this couple reunite at a later date (of course, you didn't mention how much Michelle adores her husband).It's too bad your family doesn't see it this way. Your mother-in-law is showing you that her love for you is conditional. Too bad for her! Tell your husband that you're not taking one side over the other in this conflict so he'd better get used to it! Don't ever change. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Have you told your husband that "just because I haven’t cut her out of my life doesn’t mean I agree with her."? You wouldn't be the woman he fell in love with if you just turned off your feelings for someone you have known for more than 10 years. Explain and then accept that he is going to be upset for a while. It may not be betrayal, but he is hurt because the Lukaemia is still an active part of his life too. He is afraid and worried about his brother and feels you should be too. And with your continued maintenance of your friendship, he is not seeing your loyalties laying with his.

Don't cut your best friend out of your life, but recognize that this is an ongoing family tragedy and during this time it is more important to be there for Your husband as he is fighting to be there for his brother. They are obviously a tight family, and your friend has chosen to no longer be a part of that. That hurts. And the wound is still very fresh. I would suggest toning down the time you spend with Michelle by a lot. Let her know you love her and care about her, but you need to be there for your family right now, and that means your mother in law, your brother in law, and most importantly, your husband.

Answer 7

Their judgement is being clouded by the emotions they're all going through watching someone they love go through such a terrible time.

Once he is well (you say the prognosis is good) and the family are not all scared, upset, exhausted, they may come to see that your loyalties were torn.

It must be so hard on you right now but understand the family have so much on their hands right now they won't be able to sit back and look at your situation fairly. They are terrified but sticking by him so, from their point of view, they won't understand why your sister-in-law didn't do the same. They haven't got enough spare emotion to consider hers or your feelings at present.

Hope your brother-in-law gets well and hope your situation improves.

Answer 8

Oh the trials and tribulations of family. They are judging her through eyes that are clouded with love and loyalty for their son, and you can't blame them for that, that is what being a family means. Her choice in leaving her husband is very telling about the type of person she is. Marraige vows are for sickness and health. It's easy to be there for someone in the good times, we can all do that. It takes someone very special to stick with you during the hard times, especially life and death ones. We all have to deal with unpleasant things in life, you can be a true friend and hang in there when the going gets tough or you can choose the easy road, the selfish route, and run away. Ask yourself if you were to be diagnosed with breast cancer tomorrow, God Forbid, what would she do then? My guess is she wouldn't be there for you, either, best friend or not. Would your husband stick with you? your mother-in-law? You have to make a choice on who deserves the loyalty you have to give.

Answer 9

Sounds like you are being a good friend. She has made a difficult decision, and probably a wrong choice, but if you can still see the good side of her, then you need to be there for her. Once she sees her husband isn't going through exactly what her mother did, she may even try to get back with him. Perhaps some counselling would help her deal with what happened to her mum. Remember, be true to yourself, and everyone else will just have to accept your decisions. Good luck.

Answer 10

HI

You need to be true to yourself - and if that means you disagree with people then so be it. As for friends and family, write an open letter and state where you stand - send it to them all, so no one can be in any doubt where you stand on this matter.

I can understand that it is a very difficult period for everyone, and sometimes, keeping a low profile is a good safe option.

I was once told "lease said, soonest mended" and maybe you should protest less, and listen more. Sometimes, it doesnt matter what you say, it will be the wrong thing!

Good luck to you and your family

L