Why is my husband jealous of a dead man?

Question

When I met my first husband at 21 it was love at first sight and I knew right then I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We married 6 months after and had 7 amazing years and a 3 year old boy at the time he passed away. He died very suddenly in a car accident and it absolutely devastated me. He meant everything to me and I would have gladly taken his place that day rather than having to endure living without him but I had to go on because of our son. Five years after my husband passed away I started seeing this guy Eric and he absolutely adored me and my son Tyler. We dated for two years and he eventually proposed. I loved him but it wasn’t like with my first husband because nothing could compare to that but I said yes and we had a beautiful ceremony 3 years ago. Everyone I talked to would always tell me how lucky I was and how their spouses never looked at them the way he looks at me but I never really felt the same. Throughout our whole relationship I kept pictures all around the house of my first husband which I know made Tyler uncomfortable but he never said a thing about it. Last year he asked me how I’d feel about him adopting our son which I felt he had no right to do as I didn’t want my son to think of him as his father when he wasn’t and he eventually let it go. Last night we had a dinner party at our house and as usual me and my friends recalled stories from our youth and all I talked about was my time with my first husband calling him the love of my life. My husband was upset by this but didn’t show it until after all guests left. He went off at me saying he didn’t know why the hell I married him when he clearly can’t compare to who my first husband was. Where does he get off being jealous of a dead man? What is his problem?

Answer 1

You have no idea how lucky you are to have found 2 men who love you so much they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you. You must really be something, and your son as well. But what I struggle with is why you continue to dwell on the past and torture your husband with memories of a man he can't compete with. He wants to adopt your son? That is FABULOUS! Not many men would do that. That is very noble of him. Having pictures of anyone around as much as you describe of someone, anyone that has passed, would make anyone uncomfortable. If your son wants to keep a photo of his father in his room, fine. Give your husband some credit for being a dad to your son, and providing for him with love, necessities and being his male role model. If you're willing to be completely honest, you have the problem, not him. You probably haven't grieved properly, and you're still clinging to your first husband in an unhealthy way. You really should seek counselling, for yourself, your son and the benefit of your marriage. I hope I don't sound like I'm coming down on you too hard, I'm just being honest and telling you what you need to know for your own good. You really are a very lucky woman, and I can not tell you how many people would agree with that. All the best to you and your family. I hope you are able to work things out and have a happy life, all three of you.

Answer 2

All he hears is how wonderful your dead husband was. It can be very upsetting to constantly be compared to someone who will never change by someone you love. It also might be time for you to let go a little bit and move forward with your life before you lose this man who loves you very much as well. Remember your first husband, yes, that is good, but you are holdin on to the past and it will tear apart your future. Look at how your new husband is wondefful and tell him, and stop living in the past, your first husband will not come back.
And let him adopt your son. Your son will think of him as daddy no matter your feelings. He was only 3 when he died, he hardly remembers him. Make a scrapbook for when he is older and will understand, and let Eric be daddy, it is rare to find a man who will love you and your child, and you've found him, don't lose him because you won't let go of the past.

If you can't let go of the past and live in the present, then why DID you marry him? He wanted it to be you, him and Tyler (which is very rare) and you have brought a second man into the mix. Imagine how you would feel if all Eric could talk about was how wonderful this other woman was that he once knew, but that you could not meet and could never hope to compare to. that is where he's coming from. He loves you and you are hurting him. I'm not saying forget your first husband, I'm just saying enjoy wht you have now, your first husband would want you to be happy. Don't try to recreate the past, the situation is different, and you will only cause pain to yourself, your current husband and your son (who is 13 if my math is right, ask him if he wants Eric to adopt him, he's old enough to make that choice).

If you find you cannot let go, you might try seeing a therapist, they can help you let go without forgetting, and it just might save your current marriage.

Answer 3

It's all there in your question love! He feels he can't even come close to your first husband and he can't, you've admitted it. You said "nothing could compare to that". Keeping pictures of your first husband around the house I'm sure doesn't fill him with confidence either.

At the dinner party you said all you talked about was your last husband. How do you think you would feel if it was reversed? You can never forget him and you won't as he's your son's dad but calling him the love of your life in front of your husband is out of order. It's an awful thing to say. Even if you think it, don't ever say it to him as that's just damn cruel.

Where does he get off being jealous of a dead man? Well - like I said above. YOU ARE MAKING HIM JEALOUS! Stop making him insecure so he feels he just can't compare to your first love.

Yes it was tragic and yes you lost the man you loved but you have a new man now and you need to put the past behind you.

Answer 4

With all respect, I am sorry about your husband. Things will be good with Eric, but as much as it may be hard you need to put away those pictures and just look at them from time to time. The people at your party should have used better discretion with their storytelling. Those are things that are just not done, he is human; so of course he was hurt. He loves your son enough to know that he wants to adopt him. That does not mean that he is trying to replace your son's father by any means. It is up to you to sit down with your son when the time is appropriate , to show him pictures and talk about his dad. You need to move on as devastating as his death was. I understand that you loved him very much, and maybe to some extent ..you always will. But have respect for what you have now. He needs to know that he is important too, he cannot be your late husband and do not try to make him into that..it is not fair to him or you. I also believe that your late husband would want you to have someone else to love you, and not to dwell on the past which is not healthy. Maybe you could get some counseling and Eric could join you eventually. Don't let things erode any further, he sounds like a great guy and it would be a great loss to lose him as well. You may want to discuss things with your friends and family and ask them to curb their stories a bit. Anyone would feel somewhat intimidated by having to "compete" with someone who is not there. Good luck.

Answer 5

I understand how devastating it must have been for you losing your first husband like that, such a young age, I can't imagine what you must have gone through.

I can also understand how your current husband feels, it can't be easy knowing that he is second best, it was a little tactless referring to your first husband as the love of your life (everyone probably knows this) in front of other people, he must have been very hurt.

You have your memories of your first husband, and no-one will ever take those away from you, but you must realise that you are married to someone else now, how must he be feeling having to live with ghosts of your past.

I think your husband asking to adopt your son was a lovely gesture, he is showing you how committed he is to you both, he sounds like a lovey man and you are lucky to have someone so kind and thoughtful.

He isn't jealous, he loves you and wants you to love him back. Go easy on him and enjoy what you have together.

My Dad married very soon after my Mum died, I was 16 at the time and resented my stepmother, the day she moved in she took all my mother;s photos down and put them in a drawer, I kept getting them out again and this went on for weeks until I gave up, the difference there was she was a cold hearted cow, but your husband has so much respect for you that he doesn't comment on the photos, most other men would have taken them down by now. Take a look at what you have, if you're not careful, you will lose him.

Answer 6

I understand where your coming from, it must be very difficult but you should understand what your husband is saying, how would you feel if you was in the same situation? you'd always feel second best and if he loves you as much as it's obvious he does then it's understandable why he's feeling so upset.

He loves you to pieces and he's fighting for your love, with someone he can never compete with. Wouldn't you be jealous if your first husband had said to you my first wife meant everything to me and you can never compare? especially in front of all your friends, wouldn't you be upset with this?

I think you should be a little bit more considerate with your husbands feelings, and although it is hard you need to learn to let go, I'm sure your first husband would want you to find a new love, someone to share your life with and make you happy.

Your lucky, you found someone who cherishes you once let alone twice. You need to think about your son as well, as long as your there to remind him who his father is he'll never forget, therefore it shouldn't make a difference if you let your new husband play an active part in raising your son. You should feel lucky that your new man loves him as if he was his own, he wants to be a part of both of your lives and realises you come as a package, ok maybe suggesting to adopt him was too far but he meant well and probably just wanted to feel included in your lives and not kept as an outsider, let him be a positive figure in your sons life.

Answer 7

The First Cut Is the Deepest ~ Sheryl Crow, is a good song to listen to. It's about how once your heart is broken, you'll never have a complete heart to give (something even repaired will never be good as new). I think your heart was broken from the lost of your first husband, and you can't just erase history here, especially not when you have a son to constantly remind you.

However, please understand that your son is as much of a reminder of your first husband to you as it is a reminder to your current husband. Your current husband might feel alienated because there is a separate family within your family, there's a closer unique bond between you and your son that excludes your current husband. He feels like an outsider looking in, like a third wheel. If you put yourself in his situation, where you married into his family and he had a son/daughter with someone else, you would want to integrate and be included. Marriage is a special bond. If you agreed to a marriage you need to acknowledge that bond and embrace and include him in your life and family. He's not a live-in boyfriend. He needs to be a husband and he needs to be a father.

Don't forget your first husband. Honor his memory and who he was. But don't force your current husband into a memory either.

Answer 8

Your husband doesn't have the problem. You do. He's trying to become the husband you want, but everytime he tries, you throw "perfect husband number one" in his face! Would you like being told constantly that you don't quite match up? I understand that your first husband was everything you wanted, but he is gone and won't come back. You need to let go, and get on with things. Put at least some of the pictures away. Consider letting Eric adopt your son. You stated his is not the boy's father. Well, the boy's father isn't there to do his job. Eric seems willing to take that role. Not many men would be so willing to adopt another man's son. It sounds to me like Eric is a pretty great guy. If you can't get over your first husband, let Eric go so he can get on with his life. And in case it sounds this way, I'm not saying to forget your first completely, that would be ludicrous, and cruel, but I really believe that you will not give Eric the chance that he deserves.

Answer 9

Well my knee-jerk reaction was "he needs to grow up!", but then I read through your question another couple of times and picked up some other points.
"but it wasn’t like with my first husband because nothing could compare to that but I said yes", sounds like you decided that you would be settling for second best from day one.
"but I never really felt the same", slightly ambiguous, did you not feel the same for Eric as you did for your late husband or as he did for you?
"which I know made Tyler uncomfortable", the photographs upset your son, but you did nothing, or have you transposed names?
"and all I talked about was my time with my first husband calling him the love of my life" I guess the key word here is ALL.
You don't have to forget or stop loving somebody after they have passed away, but you can still love another. It sounds as though you have struggled to move on and find room to love again in your life. The love doesn't have to be identical, we are each unique individuals, with our own flaws, failings and imperfections.
Your late husband was clearly a very special man and if Eric doesn't come up to scratch against him in some ways then look for the things that make Eric special rather than reminding him of his short comings. Is it the way he loves you, looks at you, adores you (and your son) or maybe he brings you breakfast in bed? Whatever his own unique special attributes, tell him that's why he's special to you and don't be shy to tell other people why he's special in front of him, after all you seem to be happy enough to tell others why your late husband was perfect, in front of your current husband.
Don't try to measure the two side by side as one rule never fits two. Look at each individually, each with good and EACH with bad, (oh yes, don't pretend that your late husband had NO bad points!).
Final suggestion: at the end of the day say a quiet and private "goodnight" to the love you remember; lay down beside the man who loves you now and hold him in a warm embrace then tell him how thankful you are to have been so lucky in love twice in one lifetime.
Good luck - I hope you can resolve this.

Answer 10

Why is your husband jealous of a dead man? Because you're cheating on him with the dead man!

I can't believe you would be so insensitive to your second husband all these years and honestly not know you're doing it! From what I've read, the man is a saint and you've cut through his heart like butter!

My advise to you is ...

Cut this saintly man free so a real woman can give him the real loving he so obviously deserves ... or else take the pictures down, shut up about the past and let the dead husband rest in peace.

You owe your 2nd husband all the love he has been giving you, unrequited for years. You've got a lot of catching up to do.