Why is my husband jealous of a dead man?

Question

When I met my first husband at 21 it was love at first sight and I knew right then I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We married 6 months after and had 7 amazing years and a 3 year old boy at the time he passed away. He died very suddenly in a car accident and it absolutely devastated me. He meant everything to me and I would have gladly taken his place that day rather than having to endure living without him but I had to go on because of our son. Five years after my husband passed away I started seeing this guy Eric and he absolutely adored me and my son Tyler. We dated for two years and he eventually proposed. I loved him but it wasn’t like with my first husband because nothing could compare to that but I said yes and we had a beautiful ceremony 3 years ago. Everyone I talked to would always tell me how lucky I was and how their spouses never looked at them the way he looks at me but I never really felt the same. Throughout our whole relationship I kept pictures all around the house of my first husband which I know made Tyler uncomfortable but he never said a thing about it. Last year he asked me how I’d feel about him adopting our son which I felt he had no right to do as I didn’t want my son to think of him as his father when he wasn’t and he eventually let it go. Last night we had a dinner party at our house and as usual me and my friends recalled stories from our youth and all I talked about was my time with my first husband calling him the love of my life. My husband was upset by this but didn’t show it until after all guests left. He went off at me saying he didn’t know why the hell I married him when he clearly can’t compare to who my first husband was. Where does he get off being jealous of a dead man? What is his problem?

Answer 1

you are putting your new husband second to the dead guy... hes jealous cause you cant stop obsessing over the dead guy...
you dont love this guy, why are you with him?

Answer 2

You have said it yourself.. You don’t have the same feelings as you did with your first husband. You should not have started another relationship feeling the way you do. You are only look at it from your point of view and not the other persons. You have already insulted your new husband and he didn’t know it till NOW. Also you are compairing a life you have no idea how it would of turned out. He could of cheated on you. You have no idea what would of happened only because he didnt life to show you. You have forgotton all the faults he had and so forth.

You have lucked out twice in life finding someone who truly loves you. Yet you can’t let go of the past. I lost my other half in a car accident who I loved more then life. Yet I have let go to move onwards. He would never want me living the past over and over again. Nor would it be fair to me. There is a reason for why everything happens you know.

You have constantly put him on the back burner. THIS IS EQUAL TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. Pictures of you dead husband everywhere is not moving forward at all. It’s important to keep the memory alive for you child but that is really about it. Memories never fade.

Now as Tyler adopting your son. What is wrong with that? You have married this man who loves you both to no end. Really your son has two dads, how could you possible find this offensive???? Or even hold back. You are stuck in your past with no hope of moving forward.

I don’t think you married this man for the right reasons. And he has been mislead right to the end. You don’t love him like you claim too at all. This isn’t love it’s a substitute for a lifestyle you miss. Of course he is jealous of a dead man.. Nothing he does or says is good enough for you. YOU HAVE CREATED THIS… NOT HIM. You are the one with the problem not him. Oh my god this isn’t rocket science.

To find true love again is hard to find. You will regret this once you let go of your past. You have got to be one of the most selfish people who have written on here in a long time. Women have more common sense then this. You lack it fully.

Answer 3

You are still holding on to your first husband. He feels lost. He thinks he still needs to compete with a husband that is not even there and knows he is in second place. By telling him no on the adoption was harsh. Not only did he marry you, he married your son. Your son was just a baby when his father died. He will grow up and have no memory of the man you are still in love with. By telling him no you also said no to your son. Your son loves this man and is the only father figure he will have. God needed his Father in heaven, there is no use to die a little each day, when you have a great life here. God did not want you. It is not your time to be in heaven. Your first husband will not hold anything against you for starting over. He will also be very happy that someone loves his child enough to call that child their own. You show you love to your deceased husband everyday. How much to you show the husband you have now how much you love him. Loosing a spouse is hard,very hard. However honey, You are still here among the living. You don't ever need to love the husband you have the same. You can love him and be in love with him only differently. No love is the same as the other. Being in a realtionship is a two way street. You need to be aware of your new husbands feelings and know that he loves you enough and your son enough to make you a family, with the same name in the same house and living.
I pray that you see a greif counsler right away. See the love your husband has for you and that super child of yours.

Answer 4

I dont know who to feel sorrier for; you or your husband. You cant seem to let go or at least put the past in an appropriate place in your home. I am not saying to forget your first husband, you shouldnt at all especially for your son. Those pics of your husband certainly have a place in your son's life and should be displayed in his bedroom. The rest of the house is yours and your new husbands. Consider how you would feel if his shoes were on your feet. What if you married a man that lost a near "perfect" wife and made an effort to let you know that you never measured up to that person. What if you went to gatherings and all he talked about with his friends was the wonderful good old days with the "perfect love of his life?" with you standing there. How would you feel? It seems to me that he has practiced extreme restraint with this situation and all you can say is where does he get off being jealous of a dead man? what is his problem? It seems that no one will ever be able to measure up to the first husband. Do this man a favor and get out of his life if this is the true way that you feel about him. He deserves better.

Answer 5

Because you need to let go of your first husband. That's not to say that you will ever forget him. You won't. Especially since you have a son by him. But you need to move on and think about the future, not live in the past. Take down your first husbands pictures, but keep them somewhere for your son. He should have one in his room, but other than that, keep them in a book for when he's older. As far as going back in time with your friends...he needs to accept that you have a past, but you need to not dwell on "the old times". Why don't you let your husband adopt your son? He will never have his own father to help raise him. Yes he has a dad, but he is one of those lucky ones that has another man who would very much like to be his daddy. Why not let your son have a daddy? He will always know he has a real dad, but he will also know he has another that will love him and raise him and play ball with him, etc. I am not sure how old your son is, but I'm guessing he is old enough to understand what adoption is and that Eric does not want to take his dad's place. Ask Tyler what he wants. Let him ask both of you questions about it. Don't deny him the opportunity to have what so many kids don't...a two parent home with both momma and daddy still together. Put yourself in your husband's place. How would you feel if you had to constantly be reminded of his former love on a daily basis. You would feel like you would never measure up either.

Answer 6

Your husband isn't jealous of a dead man, that's not why he's upset. He's upset because you don't give him the same love and devotion you gave to your first husband. And he deserves to be loved and appreciated too. Yet, it seems like there isn't anything he can do to gain your love and appreciation.

From what I can sense, the problem is more-so with you, you're stuck living in the past. Yes, you had a great first love and first husband, who is also the father of your son. No one is saying he isn't everything to you that he was. But that was a different chapter of your life, and that is over. Now you have another husband, a man who also deserves your love, attention, appreciation, etc. just like your first husband.

Perhaps you may want to put away some of your first husband's photos, and start taking pictures of the three of you now--you, your husband, and child. Focus on the family you currently have now. Turn your attention to making him happy, and forming a family bond among the three of you.

Answer 7

How did you expect him to react? Put yourself in his place & ask yourself how you'd feel. I don't blame your husband for getting upset at the dinner party, when all you talked about was your first husband/the love of your life. No, it's not where does he get off being jealous of a dead man, it's, where do you get off behaving that way? Your husband is only human & it's very hurtful to him to hear you go on & on about your late husband & how is was the love of your life. Your new husband should be the love of your life now. I see nothing wrong with your husband wanting to adopt your son. He must really love him. Your way of thinking about that idea is your business, but if you keep acting as you are, you won't have to worry about your husband's actions, because he'll be gone. Of course your marriage to this husband is not like your first husband, but no two marriages ever are, so stop living in the past. It's not fair to Eric. If you can't see what the problem is, you need to seek counseling or be a single mom again.

Answer 8

What you've got to realise is that your first husband is gone. It doesn't sound like you have let him go at all and your current husband is being made to feel like he'sconstantly being compared to him. That's where he's coming from. Heisn't jealous he's just hurt because your letting your son's father come between you both. You should have been telling your dinner guests about your current marriage not your old one and saying how lucky you are to have a second chance after the tragedy with the first.

Answer 9

put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel being constantly, and silently compared to a dead person? The trouble is, when someone dies all their faults die with them and they are often fondly remembered as nearly a saint, so he feels he cannot compare.
So to your question: why not allow him to adopt your son? He's the nearest thing to a father that your boy has and, if something happened to you, he would be able to raise your little boy (who might otherwise be taken away and placed in care). Your son should have some photos of his father, but in his bedroom. Don't put them on display in the lounge, etc - it makes your husband feel uncomfortable but your son should have the pictures.
I suspect that if you started appreciating your husband for his qualities instead of mentally comparing him to your first husband - and finding him wanting - then he wouldn't be so resentful of the times you reminisce about your youth with your first husband.
I suspect, however, that at the root of this all you are still grieving for your first husband and there's a lot of emotion still there. Probably you don't feel you can move on emotionally. See a counsellor to deal with this.
But don't punish your husband because he's not your first husband. It sounds like you have a good guy there. Don't let your ghosts push him away.

Answer 10

Put in your current husbands shoes I possibly would have felt the same way. After all, your previous husband is deceased, and you need to accept that he is gone and put him behind you. Doesn't mean that you need to or even could forget him, but you now have a husband that loves you and your son tremendously and you should appreciate that. If you do not love him you should move on. I know what is like to loose a spouse suddenly. I lost mine a year ago last January, was by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. But since then I have met a wonderful women and we have plans to marry in October. She knows about my deceased spouse and my feelings that I had for her and still have for her, she knows that i will aways have these feelings for her but she also knows that i love her (current) with no end, i just had to make room in my heart for both. It is difficult for me at times to not want to talk about my past relationship so much but I do it out of respect for my fiance, i don't ever want to feel second.

Answer 11

Ha? What is YOUR problem? How will you feel if your current husband compare you to his ex girlfriend? 'Oh when i was young, i use to be with this girl and i was really heads over heels for her. Nothing can compare to that.' What if your husband say that? How will you feel? The truth is, Tyler was right. Why you say yes and married him when you cant move on? Seriously, if you love Tyler, move on. MOVE ON. you have to know, you lost your first husband already and if you continue what you doing now, don't be surprise if you lose Tyler. Putting pictures of your first husband around the house? Good God and i though women are suppose to be more sensitive. A man is the king of his castle and when he reach home, do you think he want to see pictures of his wife, late first husband? What if he put the pictures of his ex girlfriend around the house? How will you feel? People die, but they live on in our hearts and minds. You are been selfish dear, REALLY selfish. If i am Tyler, i will be crushed, know whatever i do, i cant compare to your late husband. It doesn't matter if it a dead man or not. It the fact that you cant move on bother him. So move on and have a happy life. For Tyler's sake, for your child and also for you.