We have been married for nearly 17 yrs and have had infrequent sex ever since. Over the years he came up with various reasons why he doesn't want to have sex with me from he's not in the mood to saying its because he is stressed out to he resents me because I'm not working at the moment. He has been totally into porn (computer and magazine) and has even gone so far as taking up the hobby of taking pictures of women's asses in the neighborhood. I happen to be a very attractive woman who loves sex, and am not opposed to experimenting. Also he tries take all credit for running the house and tries to be super mom to make me look bad. For example, if we have an argument he'll get up extra early the next day to do all the chores pertaining to the kids so that there's nothing left for me to do, Then when I get up he looks at me like "you finally got up?", when its only 7am. I really feel like he tries to cut me out of family life. Whenever I do anything he thinks he can to it better. Give up?
2007-04-30 03:18:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ALSO, he has cheated on me at least twice in the past. Its been about 6 years since that happened but its hard to rebuild the trust. He says he loves me and he does do other things to show that he cares for me, but the sex is practically non-existent. I don't know what to do. I think we need a sex therapist but he won't go or says it too expensive. I have suggested swinging but he doesn't want that either. He gets jealous if I talk to other men (like ex-bfs for friendship). He doesn't want me to have a life it seems. I have even tried cheating myself but didn't like that lifestyle. I feel trapped. I wish we could get along harmoniously.
2007-04-30 03:31:28 · update #1
Porn has ruined your sex life as every time he looks he is also fantasizing in his mind and therefore, does not really need you for sex. Taking pictures of women's behinds in the neighborhood is dangerous as it is the beginning of porn moving outside the house - sooner or later it isn't enough to just watch porn. He may get arrested for taking these pictures as it is harassment and I know if it were me, I would be very upset if I saw some strange man taking pictures of women's behinds - I would call the police on him myself. Too many serial rapists and killers started out with porn. Once into porn, men are not satisfied with sex with their spouses - why would they be? No variety and not anything like they have been looking at. Please don't do the swinging - you will be feeding his addiction and make it worse.
Your husband needs intensive counseling for his sexual addiction and his need to make up for that by doing everything around the house. I think it is his guilt that makes him do the chores so he can prove to you that he is good for something. Tell him to get rid of all the porn and monitor his internet use - see if he is even able to do that and I bet you he won't make it a week without trying to get his hands on some porn. The "excitement" of looking causes a wonderful endorphin release in the brain which he is now addicted to and cannot get from ordinary sex. Tell him to take up jogging or other vigorous exercise to get his endorphin high and that the porn has got to go. Otherwise, his sexual addiction will get riskier and riskier (see taking photos above) as he will need more and more to get that endorphin high that he is getting. Do some research if you doubt what I say.
Good luck.
2007-04-30 03:57:22 · answer #1 · answered by Stefka 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sounds like you should have put your foot down a long time ago. His porn addiction may be leading to extra marital affairs...maybe the excuse for not alot of sex on his part. You need to sit down and decide if each of you are willing to work on this relationship especially for your kids. Be an adult about it and you make the move to get this conversation rolling. Remember if he already makes you look like you are not good enough..he will continue to until you show him you wont take that disrespect any more... so don't let him take that direction when you do have a talk. He does not respect you and that is clear and maybe you don't respect him....but if you want this to work and so does he, then it probably will....sounds like you need in church to...God really will help a marriage that has him in it....Good luck...and remember you are a wonderful women...shoe him that!
2007-04-30 03:40:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
one of the side effects of being that into porn is that no "real" woman can ever live up to what is seen in the unrealistic videos and pics. (neither can men, for that matter) it may be that he is comparing you to the women he is seeing in the pornographic material. also, after being so obsessed with porn, a lot of men seem to have an increasingly difficult time performing or even getting an erection. this could be causing him embarrassment, which he tries to put off on you. as for the "one-up" stuff around the house and with the kids... sounds to me like he is insecure and immature. he needs to "prove" that he is a great dad, etc. by attempting to make you feel inadequate or lazy. (if i were you, next time i got up at 7am to a spottless house and one of his looks i'd run up give him a hug, and thank him for all his hard work- he'd either feel really appreciated or it would really tick him off...either way :)
sounds to me like you guys have some ongoing issues that aren't going to solve themselves. get into marriage counseling (it takes hard work on both sides), or see a trusted pastor who will counsel in love and not judge.
good luck, and God Bless! i'll say a prayer for you! :)
2007-04-30 03:35:44 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Seems like there is a lot of issues here and primary seems to be sex. This may also be a deeper issue which you really need to resolve with therapist. As for expense - show him the cost of divorce vs therapy and he might shape up fast.
Life is short and there is no way you should be going on in this fashion. Sex is important bond for relationship.
2007-04-30 03:39:16 · answer #4 · answered by ensoman 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like a real jerk....I know how you feel. Some men are like that they can irritate you by trying to make you look bad. Go about your life and continue to show love your children and ignore him. Go clean up after him and show him how "women" do it. He can't be super mom if you don't allow him too...you just have to learn how to push his buttons as he's pushing yours.
Time to put on your thinking cap and make this situation work out for you and not stress you out.
2007-04-30 03:25:12 · answer #5 · answered by Always Camera Ready 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's a Jerk. He has turned your marriage into a competition. His mission has become proving he is better than you and you are a loser. I don't know what to tell you. He needs counseling to find out why winning is all that matters to him. It would seem, that he doesn't value you as a wife, or a mother. If he won't get help, then you should go without him to find out why you tolerate this kind of treatment from him and learn how to empower yourself. You deserve better than what he has been giving.
2007-04-30 03:29:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
If he is no longer attracted to you, then he is attracted to someone else. If he is into porn, well, no woman can live up to that image and fantasy. It sounds like he is a very insecure person and is trying to undermine you to make himself feel better. He sounds like a real jerk, but, I would suggest counseling if for no other reason than if you end up leaving him, you will be able to tell your children one day that you did everything you possibly could to make it work before you left.
2007-04-30 03:40:21 · answer #7 · answered by Lynn K 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
17 years is a long time to say give up. Maybe marriage counseling, or maybe you two just need some time together on a vacation away from the normal life......
2007-04-30 03:28:21 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like you need to take the kids and leave for a while to let him see if he likes that lifestyle and if he does, its time for a divorce. You should be treated like a queen instead of cheated on and abused (emotionally). Good Luck!
2007-04-30 04:32:02 · answer #9 · answered by daisydownsouth 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
get a joba and a lawyer. start saving your self a little nest egg and since he was the main provider for all those years you will get alimony. so get out of there and get someone new. good luck.
and im surprised you put up with it for so long.
2007-04-30 04:41:53 · answer #10 · answered by becca_2 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋