How to deal with a "toxic" friend?

Question

I've known this girl for about 8 years, so it's hard for me to just cut her out of my life as some people suggest because although she has a bad side to her I also know her for her good side, so I would not want to lose her as a friend. The problem is she is one of those people who is always acting like a victim and somehow attracts drama and misfortune into her life. I read that those people usually spread that type of bad luck to their friends, and I definitely don't need any of that drama in my life. She is always pessimistic and seems to get some sort of kick out of self loathing and talking about how bad she has it. I don't understand this girl - I try to get her to be more optimistic and she's telling me that I'm just sugar coating reality. Even though some of her problems come from an unhealthy relationship she chooses to stay with the person and continue to whine about how her life sucks.

When she met a coworker who used to use her by borrowing money or asking her to purchase something for her but would not repay her she would complain to me about it, but she would keep on doing this girl favors regardless. When she noticed her roommate stealing things from her she didn't tell her anything because she felt bad about putting her on the spot. I told her she is being taken for a fool by not doing anything about it but she still wouldn't. What ended up happening was after her roommate moved out she noticed that she stole about a hundred dollars worth of possessions. Is it possible for a person to be attracted to drama subconsciously while thinking that they do want a more peaceful life? Because she says she wants things to be better, but anytime things do get better she gets herself into another drama filled situation and this has been a never-ending cycle for her.

When she tells me all the hardships of her day and asks me about mine I almost feel guilty telling her that my day was good. Sometimes when I do tell her that she doesn't seem to be genuinely happy for me, but if I tell her I had a bad day she starts the whole "wellll, if you think YOU had a bad day, listen to what happened to ME." It's as if she is just waiting to prove that she's the most miserable person in the world. Is it possible for this type of person to change their ways? She says she wishes things were easier for her but whenever she gets rid of one problem she does something to invite new problems into her life. She really is a drama magnet, I don't know how it's possible but a whole soap opera can be written based on her life - it is way too chaotic. I don't want to get rid of her but I also don't want her negativity rubbing off on me and I can't figure out why she is this way - does she really enjoy drama, why is she always attracting bad events to herself?

Answer 1

What is your relationship all about today?
Do you ever tell her that she she is going too far?
What is upsetting you, tell her what is eating away at you and then express your emotions specifically. Be honest iin how you express yourself and know how to create boundaries. You are probably turning inward and finding fault with yourself, feeling guilty about what you should have said. You lose your power and then you lose your self esteem.


what about your other relationships? Are they just cloones or this one, in disguies? And for that matter, are they just clones of you in disguise? Does she share your expectations, habits and wounds, or just generate all this negativty.

So, is it you or is it the other person? If they are radiating their negativity and you are absorbing it, you know what you have to do. After you answer this question, you can decide if you need to lose this friendship.

Maybe you need to start chging and tell her “I have changed and wish to end this friendship which has become painful and draining to me.”

You think it's all these years, but as they say in Wall Street, when a stock is going down “Cut your losses!” Take your ego and expectations out of it and let it go before you lose more money or all your money. It's the same for a divorce. You can read all about that online, if you stay in, the longer you stay in, you, your kids, your finances, have more and more to lose. Start thinking of your behavior with her now, in terms of you and some man in the future, and you have kids, and money, and property, and you are going home everyday, should you keep up with this?

So, protect yourself physically and spiritually. Do not let negative people use you up and erode your self-esteem. Stand up for yourself truthfully and allow your real spirit to shine. Stop pretending to acquiesce to those who constantly ask you to do favors, or wake you up at night with their soap opera dramas. Do they ever reciprocate? If you are tired or don’t want to add one more thing to your to-do list, speak up and get rid of the excess baggage. Your soul will feel lighter. It’s time to make those New Year’s Evolutions: Evolve to a higher level. Shed the toxicity to absorb a fresh new vitality. Lift your relationships to a higher level.

Answer 2

Hmm, difficult situation. Do you think she can actually be depressed? Or do you think that she is just putting on some sort of "act" - so to speak?

If it is real depression, than this is hard to deal with. I have lost some friends because of it in HS. The best thing I can suggest is that you continue to be a friend to her. Try and bring some fun and light heartedness into her life. You don't have to tell her to be more optimistic - but instead, try and find things that both of you enjoy doing. Ask her what she wants to do, hang out together, go to the movies. Just enjoy life. Try not to pursuade her thinking. Just try and do friendly things together like normal. Maybe it will bring some life into her naturally.

If she is constantly moping, I'd suggest spending more time with other friends that do not always dwell on the bad things in life. You need to take a break from her once in awhile and surround yourself with positive people, too. This way, she won't take away all of your positive/cheery disposition.

Answer 3

You are definitely a 'nuturer' & someone who seems to want to mother the 'underdog.' The nuturing part is ok but I'm not so sure about the underdog part which indicates a neediness on your part.

Some people cannot be 'fixed' & your friend is one of them. I don't think your sticking by her is a positive thing for you but you are so involved that you can't seem to step back & view the situation objectively.

There comes a time when you should be looking out for yourself. You should be spending your free time with positive people who can enrich your life. Maybe becoming a counselor would satisfy your mothering instincts in a more constructive way.

I would tell her that you wish to move on & tell her why; suggesting that she seek counseling with a professional. You are not responsible for her happiness or life!

Answer 4

Some people are just so happy wallowing in their own misery and they say misery loves company. You should limit the time you spend with this person so her toxicity doesn't leach into you. She also needs to be told that she has made the decisions in her life, no one else and she must deal with that. Just be honest with her and tell her she's bringing you down. You could try introducing her to people or situations much worse than her own so that she can see that she may not have it as bad as she thinks she does. Basically, let her know that you are there to listen and support her but that she needs to accept responsibility for her own choices. Good luck.

Answer 5

I can sympathize with you. I have a soft heart like that too. I would let her know that you don't need the excess drama & grief that her friendship brings. If she can't be more positive, she might lose you. And she needs to make changes to get herself out of being the victim over and over.

Answer 6

Judging from the length of your question- you may be alittle more "overcome" by her "toxic personality"- than you realize! :) If you INSIST on keeping her as a friend; you're going to have to put alittle more "Space" between you & her dramatics, and be more firm in your dealings with her. She doesn't want to be "optimistic"- she wants to play the "victem" for the attention. Give her what YOU want, not what she plays you for. If THAT doesn't suit her- then maybe she doesn't suit you... Good luck. :)

Answer 7

When she next asks to get together be truthfull, it will feel uncomfortable but being assertive gets you what you want. I was in a similar situation, I dreaded our meetings so much that I told her I couldn't see her again, that she brought out the worst in me. I kept repeating it till she got my message. Haven't seen her from that day. (I confess it was a phone call)

Answer 8

I have been through this before and dropping my friend was the best choice that I could have made. I don't regeret it one bit. She was extremely self-centered, I was her emotional toilet and that's it. It was all about her and talking to her about it never changed her behavior. This was 4 years ago and I spoke with her recently and she hasn't changed one bit.

Answer 9

Ever thought that maybe you are inviting the drama by being her friend? What's in it for you?
If you reject her, she'll have that much more misery to tell to someone else. She'll have to find her own bottom.