Is this unfair of me?

Question

My husband had an affair and alot of his friends knew and kept it from me. I understand they were only being loyal to him and he put them in a bad situation. But I have asked him to cut off contact with those friends that supported his affair. Its hard enough for me to trust my husband again and I just dont have the capacity to trust more than one person right now. I dont agree with his continued friendship with these people. They all knew me, knew our children and knew he was screwing around on me. Am I unfair to ask that my husband cut off his relationship with those people? He disagrees with me, but I say he lost all say in alot of things when he decided to stick his d*ck in someone else, so quite frankly, its my way for awhile and thats just the way I look at it. You are judged by the company you keep and his company obviously supports husbands screwing around on their wives.

Answer 1

Ya know what.... it IS unfair. You agreed to keep him around and now you want to make his life hell?? If you can't forgive and forget then let the man go. He made a mistake but that doesn't give you the right to torture someone because you can't be mature and grown up about it.

His friends were not obligated to tell you anything. That is you and your husbands life and they have every reason to stay out of it. You wouldn't want them butting in any other time, this is no different. You can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with.. HE IS NOT YOUR CHILD, HE IS AN ADULT. Stop trying to be so controlling.

Either forgive and never bring it up again or divorce him.

You'd think that instead of trying to figure out ways to make him pay for his mistake you'd be trying to figure out what was missing in your marriage that made him go outside of it for sex. He isn't the only one with issues here... you seem to have some as well... you just want to hide behind his mistake instead of dealing with them.

Answer 2

You have a right to be very hurt! It will take time to trust your husband again! It is great that you are so forgiving of your guy...many women would want his head on a stick!!

You seem to be handling the main problem pretty well...the trust issue, but now you have these friends to deal with. I think to compromise, on some level, might be good.

To ask him not to see them, at all, is pretty tough. They seem to be very loyal (which, I know...not too cool for you!), but they are his friends. It is hard to give up friends.

Ask him to see them less, for awhile...until you have healed some. You feel deceived and lied to which is so normal in this situation. Time is amazing...much can be forgotten and forgiven...especially, if he stay on the level no more sneaking around!

Remember, much of this was his fault...his friends were put into a bad situation. They are probably confused as to how they got mixed up in this.

Give this some space. It is always best to cool down and back off when things get heated. Space allows everyone to calm down and be more reasonable. Many things are not solved quickly...patience are great. It sounds like you have a lot of patience with your guy. Good going...keep the peace! :-)

Answer 3

Well no not really. But there is always the reverse too. Alot of women mess around and thier friends know and dont say a word. Not so much to cover his butt but more to avoid being the one to knock on the door and say "oh by the way so and so is screwing around".
Now if these were friends that you were friendly with too or that let him use them as a alibi for where he was going or something yeah i would stewing mad. But if they are ones you know by name but not by conversation and they werent used as a alibi then it may of been a delimnia for them also.
But in all honesty even with all that i would still be furious and probably want the same thing you do.

Answer 4

I think they were being loyal to him, not necessarily trying to hurt you. You have a hard thing to overcome. Not only do you need to find trust in your husband again, but his friends as well.

I think he should keep his friends because everyone needs other adult human relationships besides their so's. I think he would become depressed if he didn't have friends, which would lead to him wanting to find an outlet...possibly a woman who trusts him.

As far as the "say". He's an adult, regardless of what he has done, he still deserves to be treated as an adult with respect. I think this is especially important if you are going to work your marriage out...which I think is absolutely wonderful.

You have HUGE props from me for not being one to "throw him out" and keep your vows, even though he has not.

Answer 5

No not at all. I learned that when you are married you are supposed to be around other married peoplee. Single peopl and married people should not hang out together. Your husbands friends sound like a bunch of pathetic, jealous LOSERS! How dare they support him in having an affair. They must be some really miserable clods to even do that to your marriage. They need to go somewhere and grow up. I assume they are single. Your husband should leave them alone. My husband's friends did the same so now he's one of those single losers and looking like an idiot. That is so hard when this happens to gain trust after something like this happens. I will keep you in my prayers and I also pray your husband wakes up and drops those neanderthals and hang around some REAL men.

Answer 6

I don't think you're taking things too far. If they kept this one from you, how many more have they or will they? Will they encourage him to have another? I think this is reasonable, at least until you've rebuilt some trust in him. THEN, go after them and talk to them about how you feel and let them know the boundaries should they want to continue friendships w/your husband.

Also, if they are married, their wives need to know what happened. They may very well have been holding back on telling you because they were having one, too. Their wives need to know that they condone affairs so they can keep their guards up.

Answer 7

While just because they didn't tell you he was ******* around on you doesn't mean it was his friends fault. Your husband is the one that stick his d*ck in something else. They didn't tell him to do it right ?.

Why don't you have an affair ?? . It wasn't trhere fault though. They couldn't have stop him. He is a grown man that knows right from wrong. You can't blame others for his mistake...I know you hurt and feel betrayed and hurt. But honestly hating them is not gonna help you over come the pain.

If you need a friend or just to talk contact me ..we can chat. I'll help you.

Answer 8

I understand that you are angry and hurt, and don't feel that you can trust them, but I also don't think that it was their fault. If one of your friends was cheating, would you tell his/her spouse? I am guessing no, because it would not be your place to do so. If it were me, I would urge my friend to make things right, but I wouldn't tell on him or her. For that reason, I think that you should not tell your husband not to see his friends. I do agree with you that your husband will need to make some sacrifices now to make your marriage work. But really, you are the only person who knows what is best for you. So good luck!

Answer 9

not sure if unfair is the word, but, any new friends he makes can be exactly the same way; I'd say his friends aren't / weren't the issue. You wouldn't have believed any of them anyway if they had told you.....not sure them not telling you meant they were supporting his affair. Nonetheless, if it's what you think is right then he should cool it for awhile; but I will tell you this, the two of you will never get past/through this unless and until you have the last conversation about it.....say everything and anything you need say and do it in a civil manner; then you can never ever ever bring it up again, ever....

Answer 10

"He disagrees with me, but I say he lost all say in alot of things when he decided to stick his d*ck in someone else, so quite frankly, its my way for awhile and thats just the way I look at it."
That was funny as hell. I honestly think if you are planning on staying with this man a marriage counselor is in order. The friends he has are not the problem, he is.