How much freedom to spouses allow each other in marriage?

Question

Do spouses give each other room to grow normally in marriage? My ex-husband never let me do things on my own including grocery shopping. I had to buy things the way he wanted and the food that he liked. I also hid the things that I bought for myself and my child.

I am wondering if there was something wrong with me for not adjusting to his ways or if he was too controlling.

I always felt that every decision had to be made in his way or it was wrong. We never discussed anything or had good communication either.

Now that I am on my own, I make decisions as I want and spend money freely. I don't go overboard and try to economize where I can. However, I feel that we only live once so we deserve to treat ourselves well within our means.

Answer 1

It really depends on the two of you. Obviously you did not like his authoritative nature, but that's who he is.

Most people find these personality types abrasive and overpowering. But it doesn't really make him a bad person, he's just not the right man for you.

The amount of freedom allowed in a relationship varies with each relationship, their personalities, beliefs and background. There is no finite, hard and fast rule here. It's all about compatability.

My personal belief is that each person in a marriage needs to be happy, regardless of the specific dynamics involved. I am who I am, she is who she is. If we can be ourselves, and be together, then our marriage will succeed. If not, then it wasn't meant to be.

Answer 2

Marriage is about compromise. There should be no one way about it. It is taking two totally seperate lives and putting them together as one. If it were all one way of a certain spouse, that would still be one life. It is ok to grocery shop one way and pay the bills another. But it is very important to make sure that it is comfortable for both people in the marriage. Otherwise you have the situation that you described.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your ex is controlling.

Me and my husband have had to learn a lot about eachother since we got married. His family did things different than my family and it made some problems in our relationship. But we had to learn to get over them and compromise on how to do it. That is the only way you can live together in a sane environment.

Answer 3

Your ex should have let you do stuff on your own, but he probably didn't because he was afraid he wasn't good enough for you and believed that if he let you do things freely, you'd meet some one better. You don't need to change your ways for any man. You deserved better if he tried to control you. He doesn't need to tell you what you can and cant buy for your child or yourself. A relationship is a 2-way road... you need to make decisions together. If a man doesn't make you his world, then he doesn't deserve to be part of yours.

Answer 4

You are way better off now. You are not talking about "freedom" here, just a little respect. The love/lust part of the marriage often is the easy part. When your partner also respects your opinions and your ability to grow, then you've got a relationship. Now that you are on your own and making your own decisions, someone is going to see that and want to share your life with you. It'll work out. Good luck.

Answer 5

You know it's kinda strange. In almost every relationship I've ever seen, it starts out with the guy doing everything he can to win the woman over. Without a doubt, she is in complete control most of the time. Then next thing you know, you hear he's "controlling" and she's unhappy about it. But if you are the one in control and it changes, then what has happened is that you have given up control and LET the man take control. I think what happens too many times is that a man that has a controlling personality just keeps it in check for awhile long enough to be moved in together or married then his true nature comes out. I think that's a good reason to slow down and give him enough time to see the real him before moving in together, having kids together, or getting married. Just my opinion.

Answer 6

Your ex is a control freak and you are better off that he is your ex. Marriage doesn't mean becoming the other person. Make sure you don't go to the opposite extreme now that you are away from his rule but do enjoy yourself and what you like. People in relationships should compliment each other. Each should have things they like and, with luck, many of those things will overlap. But never should you destroy what you enjoy to make someone else happy.

Answer 7

Loving spouses range from those who are very protective, to those who are swingers and everything in between. It sounds like either your husband was too controlling or you didn't stick up for yourself as you ought. Good communication is two-way. I believe that you have to learn yourself well before you can learn to live with another. Best of luck in the future.

Answer 8

Yes they should, having your own personal time/space is healthy i believe.
Not being able to go grocery shopping alone, is over the top, and is controlling behavior.

I remember, the sense of freedom, when i went shopping alone for myself the first time, financially alone, and not having to "justify" to anyone what i have bought.

Theres nothing wrong with treating ourselves at time, within our means.

Answer 9

Sounds like it was a good thing you got out on your own. I understand the control thing. I just left my hubby of 10 years because he was emotionally abusive and a control freak. Good for you for stepping out and embracing your new freedom. Remember that you always have rights and if you ever try again with a new guy, remember that you have the right to access to money...you have the right to hold the remote control from time to time....you have the right to go out by yourself or with friends without your husband, but you also have the right to spend time with him with other people...it's called marriage. You also have the right to have things from the store from time to time, as does your child.

You are not crazy here...he sounds very controlling, and again, good for you for not putting up with it and moving on! Protect your baby!

Good luck to you!

Answer 10

There was nothing wrong with you not adjusting to his every wish. I have been married to my one and only wife for 31 years. In that time I have discovered that complete trust and appreciation of the other as a wife, mother, person and friend is a must. I know she will stand by me come what may. But more importantly she knows I will be there for her, come what may.