Why do teeenagers tend to behave this way in regards to relationships?

Question

I frequently offer advice on this "expert" advice website, and my father is a former high school counselor. We've both noticed a tendency among teenagers who ask for relationship advice: Being that they are inexperienced, teenagers often make mistakes, which is perfectly fine and natural. However, their questions in regards to the mistakes are often about how to "make" the other person change their feelings. We often hear questions like:
"How do I get him/her to like/forgive me?"
"How do I fix it so s/he knows I won't do it again?"
"How do I get him/her to come back to me"
"How do I get him/her to give me a second chance?"
We often become frustrated because no matter how we try to convey that you can't "make" a person feel one way or another, they rarely seem to agree or understand.
So my question is, why is this? And also, is there anyway to make this concept more comprehensible to teenagers?

While I realize experience is the best teacher, this is essentially my "job", so leaving it up to experience isn't an option. My job is to give advice. So assuming, you had to give some advice to someone asking these kinds of questions, what would you say?

Answer 1

STEP ONE
As easy as this sounds, they need to turn their question into a statement and practice saying it.
As adults it looks to us like they know the answer, but they are so involved that they are lucky even knowing the question !


"How do I get him/her to like/forgive me?"
Say to the person " please forgive me?"

"How do I fix it so s/he knows I won't do it again?"
Say to the person " please know I won't do it again."

"How do I get him/her to come back to me"
Say to the person " please come back to me"

"How do I get him/her to give me a second chance?"
Say to the person " please give me a second chance."

STEP TWO
Coaching in realizing that asking the question or making the statement is a positive, life-affirming action.
HOWEVER
Asking the question gives the person they are asking the right to answer either way. That asking means being 100% open to the answer.

When is a question not a question? When you only want to hear ONE of the two possible answers.

So, "Are you ready for either answer? Or, is this a way to 'pressure' someone to do only what you want?"

STEP THREE
Support for the person when the answer isn't what they hoped for.

Answer 2

Maybe because they don't understand yet that people cannot be forced. They desperately want something and don't understand that something is just not for their taking.

That's my own experience when I was a teenager anyway. I was the same way years ago; now, when I make a mistake, instead of asking "How do I get him to forgive me?" has been changed into "How can I explain to him what went wrong?"

"How do I get him to come back to me" has changed into "I know something went wrong; it's probably for the better."

And "How do I get him to give me a second chance" has changed to "Will I give him time to understand what happened, and we'll see if he even comes back?"

I've learned that people either feel a certain way or you don't. There's no changing that. Forcing people isn't nice, you wouldn't want to have people do it to you, would you? If you tell teenagers that, and it settles there in their mind, they might start to understand.

Answer 3

My guess is that they are afraid that they won't find anyone better. They have their whole lives of ahead of them though. I would tell them that many people don't find "the one" until much later in life anyway - graduate school, the work force, etc. I would also suggest to tell them to look at their past relationships as a learning experience. It allows them to not make the same mistakes in the future (if there were any mistakes to begin with). If not, they will find the one who will accept them for who they are.

They also might see it as a social acceptance thing. If they are with this person, they will be happy and accepted by others. Maybe they are sccared the other person will go and talk bad about them. Maybe they are surrounded by HS couples and feel like they should be ina relationship, too.

Answer 4

I don't think teenagers grasp the concept that they only have control over their behavior and *reactions* to things in the world, rather than the world itself or others in it. (Of course, I don't believe that this concept is out of reach only to teenagers; there are many adults who don't seem to get this either.)

I'm not sure there is any way to get this across. It's something that they should figure out eventually. Adolescence is a time of striking out on one's own and learning skills for future independence, and many of those lessons end in painful ways (especially in the arena of teenage romance - it is the nature of the beast) so the real trick to adolescense is to just get through it (relatively) unscathed on the other end.

Whoever said that the teen years are the best of one's life was deluded. :)

Answer 5

I see the same thing on this site.

My belief in this is that because of their level of maturity, their world still revolve around him/her only, and fails to recognize that the other person also has the world revolving around him/her.

Also, teenagers tend to believe his or her opinions or ideas are absolute in every context - or fails to see the existance of the concept - context.

I believe it is a lost cause trying to explain this to many teens. Some things only come with experience and this is one of them. The only way to get experience is by making mistakes. The only thing us, adult, can do, is to make sure and guide them so that the mistakes they make are not too big or irrepairably serious.


Just as "they" can't "make" the other party change their mind, YOU can not MAKE teen change their understanding of the world just by telling them something.

All you can do is to give them the information, let them make mistakes, experience the consequences and learn from it. As a counselor, I see your role as the person who gives the information, guide them so that their mistakes are not too huge, and help them undersand the result of their actions.

It is even more clear that based on some of the replies here that teens come in various stage of maturity and understanding of the world around them. Some take only a statement or two to get them over the bridge, some takes every idea as attack against them, some deny it, or some needs time to digest and think about it.

As to what to tell them, I would explain the existance of the other party, show the world from that person's view, try to role play by taking his idea, turn it against him, and see if he understands the concept of context. Sometimes, he realzes when his opinion is applied to himself and it is UN-reasonable, they begin to understand their idea was centered around him (only) and it was unfair or unrealistic.

It is slightly a different subject, but I once tried to explain the concept of free speech vs. appropriateness of speech. The teen states, he has the right to say anything. I said, ABSOLUTELY - as he is correct. Then I said, then go tell your father he is a worthless piece of meat. Now I got him thinking.... I think he understood, although he has the right to say anything, in some cases, it just isn't a good idea. Hense, he started to grasp the concept of context.

I unerstand it is your job, but you still can't MAKE someone understand something. All you, as a teacher/counselor can do is to dispense the information and help them understand - in his or her own time table.

Answer 6

It isn't only teenagers who make these mistakes. If people could easily realize that they aren't the center of the universe, all the advice gurus would be out of a job. Each person is only responsible and in control of his or her OWN behavior. Just because we think something should be a certain way doesn't mean that it will be.

Answer 7

The truth is that I cannot make anyone fall in love with anyone else. That's up to Cupid. If your Q is "Why can you not make anyone fall in love, forgive them, etc.?" then the answer is simply because we have free will. And tell people you simply can't change the way certain people think or feel. It's up to said person.

Answer 8

I would tell the teenagers to " GO LIVE YOUR QUESTION " because that is all they can do in these situations. The likes of you and I cannot help them at all when these young ones refuse to take advice. So the best we can do is let them go to learn on their own. To live their own questions.

Answer 9

Why are all adults stubborn and think teens are the problem? It's b/c not all teens and adults are like that. I understand u can't make them do anything. i'm 13 and I know plenty of teens who understand! This goes to show that there is a lot of stereotyping in this world! I understand and I'm a young teen. I've had broken hearts. Guys never likng me, until I fund someone who truly cared. U don't care if u make dumb predictions about wat we do don't and so forth so on. Help not stereotype!

Answer 10

When they say this they probably mean it like "are there ways I can do something that could help the situation so they would want to forgive me?"