opinions please?

Question

i didn't know where to post it...i thought i would post it here :)
there is a poem...please give your opinions on it...and suggestions too :) please!
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Dark and damp is the cave of life,
Where I lay with my eyes closed,
I dream of the time which passes by,
I breathe it through my soul.

I find it hard to catch it, whole,
to laugh and dance to its hopeful tune,
it slips away from the corners and cracks
of the little hands I own.

with a wistful smile
I watch it go,
with a wish, it would turn back,
Not even for a moment it
looks behind,
though I still watch it pass.

I look above to my dark sky,
No sun, to warm my eyes,
I find a hole in the rocky clouds,
That lets a light to shine...

It glows through the hole,
so bright and warm,
It fills my world with joy,
I lock it in my eyes and hair,
for not letting it slip by.

it makes my cheeks,
glow with colour..
it makes my soul so light,
Oh! how restful is its touch;
I feel so divine.

I make a wish to the lovely light,
that someday a voice will come,
I will scream
to break the darkest sky,
and that day the time will stop.

well...i was going to publish a very small book esp for my family(my uncle owns his own press),containing all poems that i wrote...but i didn't know whether it was worth it or not.
:o

thank you thank you thank you :) :) :)
so much for all your opinions and suggestion. i wrote it yesterday and i was doubtful :(
thank u so very much :)

scholar..."the walk of time " is great. i didn't give a title to the poem. i think i can use this. :)
thanx a ton.
to be liked by another poet is the greatest thing for a poem. :)
TC.

Answer 1

The fundamental flaw is the indiscriminate juxtapostion of the impersonal "It" and the personal "I". You've got some good ideas here, especially with the stream of evocative images from nature, but there is too much degradation of "It".

In the context of language, IT can stand pure, completely independent from the narrative I. Many of Georg Trakl's poems will show you the better way to separate these ideas. You'll see he still uses both words, but maintains a distance between them.

Answer 2

It has sensiblity,it is skillfull & da poet has high power of visualization

Answer 3

its beautiful! considering the fact that i am a poet, i feel the beauty of words. if it were mine i would call it....."the walk of time". keep it up!, u going far!

Answer 4

I felt shivers! O_o
Are you going to try to publish it?
It's really deep and I think everyone can connect to it. ^__^

Answer 5

nice

Answer 6

nice

Answer 7

Get me ur book......good work

Answer 8

www.poetry.com