How should I handle my in-laws as a widow?

Question

I have been widowed three years in May, next month. I have a five year-old daughter, who is the light of my life, by my husband. I have been in the family almost 15 years. When I get around his famly they either put each other down or me and my daughter down. I feel bad. I have tried to express my feellings and they either laugh about it and/or ignore it. It affects my daughter, also. I don't want to keep her away from them but I don't want negative influences in our lives. We have enough hurt. She reminds them and my of her father so much. They don't call and check on her like they should; I am not happy with my sister-in-law because she thinks so much of herself and her daughter, too. But, Her daughter pays more attention to her cousin; they are like sisters in a way and I am glad. I am not happy with the fact they want me to give up my time and make room for them most of the time when we get together and they get angry with me. I am making most of the decisions my best.

Answer 1

Your not part of that family anymore. The only relationship you have with them is with the parents, to see their grand daughter and, you can regulate that.
With this in mind slowly back off of them and start new friendships, without them in mind.
Let them take the steps to make visits to their grand daughter, you own them nothing.

Answer 2

It is always difficult whether your partner is with you or not, when dealing with in-laws. It is such a delicate relationship, and balancing act. You want what is best for you and your daughter and rightfully so. I am not sure how old your daughter is but you might want to consider asking her how she feels about the way that they speak to her. Giving her the opportunity to be the one respond appropriately next time they throw some negativity her way. Giving her the skills to deal with it might snap the family out of it if they realise that this is having an impact on the grand daughter (plus a great life skill too). I highly doubt that this is intentional as some families just are a certain way and think that it is normal.
If it still persists with no improvement, give them an ultimatum. Tell them what it does to your daughter and you and how it makes you feel. Be clear and give examples specifically. If it doesn't improve tell them that they may no longer see your daughter. This should be enough to sort them out if nothing else has worked.
Maybe you have not be clear enough with them. Either way it is worth fighting for as they are an important part of your daughter's life, yours too. It is worth the effort.

Answer 3

It seems very obvious to me what's going on. They are very affected by the loss of their son (your husband) and are having a hard time acting appropriately. They put each other down b/c they are angry at their loss and aren't dealing with it the right way. Theyr'e just lashing out instead of greiving the actual loss. They are angry at their son for "leaving" them (very common reaction). They may also resent you AND your daughter for still being around while their son is gone. LIke you said, your daughter reminds everyone of her father. They probably love her very much, but they just can't handle seeing her w/o thinking of him. The bottom line is that this is nothing personal against you. These are just people who have experienced a terrible loss but are handling it in all the wrong ways. You, on the other hand, have experienced just as bad a loss, if not more, but are handling it very maturely. For your sake and the sake of your daughter, I would try to stay away from them as much as possible. They'll make comments that might be hurtful to you once you stop seeing them, but just ignore them. It seems that they will try to hurt you guys no matter what. This way, at least your daughter doesn't have to be affected directly by it. Maybe in due time or with some grief counseling, your inlaws will learn how to really cope with the loss of their son without being angry at the wrong people, allienating family that is here or making jokes to hide their feelings. They have a lot of issues to deal with. You've gone through enough pain and you shouldn't have to be their punching bag while they try to resolve these issues. And who knows...they may never learn to deal with their loss the right way. If your daughter gets along with her cousin, try to get them together for some playdates, but don't try to get too involved with your sister in law. I know you're hurt, you have a right to be; and I know you want your daughter to be part of their family. But sweetie, sometimes things happen in life where our options become limited and we have to work with what we have. This is not an ideal situation. But my opinion is that it's better for your daughter not to be around their negative influences than to be around them and their hostility in the name of having a "family." The negative atmosphere at your in-laws' will do far more harm to your fragile daughter than not seeing them at all. I wish you the best of luck in this trying time.

Answer 4

I totally understand where you are at right now. I will be a widow for 3 years as of July 17th. At least your husbands family is trying to be in her life. I have 4 children from my husband of 14 years and I only talk to them if I call or in the event of a family death, in which one of the distant cousins I went to school with calls me and tells me about it. I know it is hard and you want your daughter to stay in contact with her fathers side of the family, but when do you say enough is enough? Long story short--- My husbands family blamed me for his death. I swallowed my pride for the sake of my children. But you have to stand up to them for the sake of your daughter! Do not continue to let them belittle your feelings in this way! Stand up for yourself and your daughter. If you just sit there and take it then they will continue to think you are a push-over. You may have to be rude to get their attention, and it sounds like you don't like to be rude by the way-- Just make them understand that you want to be a part of the family, however your not going to let them run you over anymore. sounds like this has been going on for awhile. Good luck sweetie! Feel free to email me if you need support.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you lost your husband.
It sounds like his family is made up of people who have a certain way of relating to each other that requires a pretty thick skin. It sounds like your problem is how to get that thick skin to protect yourself and your feelings around them and their rough ways.
There are lots of good things to say about your situation.
One, they expect you to give your time to them. This means they are at least determined to include you and your daughter in family things because you married into the family.
It sounds like they get angry with you because maybe you balk at spending the time they require (you say, 'they want me to give up my time'); they probably perceive this as some kind of rejection or worse, a snobby put-down.
This would explain them 'putting you down' also. They don't feel like you like them. Well, you don't! You think that instead, they should call more and check on your daughter. They just continue to involve you in family activities and it is obvious that you don't prefer their company.
I'm not blaming your attitude - but it does contribute.
Your daughter and her cousin get along like sisters. That is so great! Especially for an only child. You say your sister-in-law 'thinks so much of herself and her daughter' and you don't like that. Well, don't you think so much of yourself and your daughter, too?
It just seems like there are value judgments flying back and forth in your interactions with these people and it is no one's fault. Since they are family, but not your own blood, it's still important to cut them some slack.
Making an effort to get along with them (act like you value being included and learn how to handle their remarks without taking everything personally) will pay off for you in the future. You may need the emotional suppport some day - which can come from strange places, including this family bunch!

Answer 6

Can't do more to let them love you, because you don't have money and husband, that's why they do that to you. But if your husband left you a lot of money, then your in-laws, will be there to look after you and your daughter, well, forget them, move on and find your own happiness,never go near them....

Answer 7

If they are putting you down I don't see how you not attending their functions are going to bother them. Seems it is time for you to make your own life. I assume the relations with your side of the family are great, spend the holidays with your side. (Also be careful, you seem a little bias in your view of his family, it makes me wonder if things were so great before his passing... but that is a whole other ball of wax)

Answer 8

Get a grip! Think of your daughter. If this is upsetting her, tell them this, then spend time with your daughter one on one. You are not married to them, and if they want to put you down, don't you put yourself out. They will get over it and learn from it.

Answer 9

"They don't call and check on her like they should;" How "should" they call and check on her? She's not the only child in the world you know. Yes she is their grand daughter but their lives don't revolve around her...how about HER calling them once in awhile?

"I am not happy with my sister-in-law because she thinks so much of herself and her daughter" Well DUH she SHOULD think of herself and her daughter...YOU sound extremely self centered and need to get over yourself. These people's lives do NOT revolve around you and your daughter...Yes you lost your husband, Yes your daughter lost a father but no one has to "bend over backwards" kissing your butts just because of that. Get over it, move foward stop expecting everyone to cater to you because you lost someone...THEY lost a son.

Answer 10

u have the messiah syndrome trying to solve all the problems and win them all well u cant some dont want to cooperate so u respectfully do what u want if they dont like it they could always go jump