18 year marriage ending in divorce. Having trouble moving on.?

Question

When I first started dating her, in high school, I learned that she had a very troubled home. I learned that she was emotionally abused and it was very difficult for her to open up to me and trust me with her love. Eventually this happened. I always treated her like a princess and loved her with all my heart. We had two boys and as they grew and our involvement in their lives became very consuming we stopped spending time together as husband and wife and were always mom and dad. Problem is that I started always thinking of myself and not helping out enough. I stopped treating her special and she started feeling like nothing she did was good enough. She felt like she wasn't good enough. She fell out of love with me. It was already too late for me to change when I learned of this. I have changed but she no longer loves me. How do I move on? I still love and want only her. I can't seem to let go. She will be moving out soon and then the divorce will take place.

We have been trying to work things out for over a year but she says it is no use. It is actually getting worse because she has moved past the pain and is now very angry at me for robbing her of the love she used to feel for me. I was the one person in the world who was never supposed to hurt her. I can't seem to let go, what can I do?

To make matters worse, I have been her boss for over 9 years at the company we both work for. We work side by side all day long everyday. We still get along most of the time. I have done everything I can to show her that I have become again the husband that she used to love so much but that only makes her angry because it is too late. She refuses to see a counselor and has convinced me that it is over. I just can't seem to let go. How will I work with her when she starts dating someone else? Our kids are now 16 and 13. We will do whatever it takes for them and I know I will see her at work and personally quite often. I feel very lost.

Answer 1

If u love her enough, u will come up with a solution.
If everything fails, u have to move on & learn from ur mistakes.
I hope this works out for u. 18 yrs is a long time to just wrap up and leave.

Answer 2

I was married for 22 years before I was divorced. The number of years in a marriage does not mean it will last forever. It was a very hard decision to divorce, but once done, I have never been happier! In my situation, I think I went through the grief process while still in the relationship. The healing process after divorce is very similar to those you go through when someone dies -- only you still may run into them! You have to grieve your losses -- loss of your spouse, your hopes and dreams and in many cases, homes, money, friends, children and more! If I were you, I would talk to a counselor about how to heal after the divorce. I would think a first step would be to see if one of you can be transferred to another department or even physical location would be better. Otherwise, it would be like rubbing salt into the wound. A second step, would be to accept the facts of what she has told you. You cannot make someone love you--and once its gone, there's no going back. Even if you try, it is never the same---too much water has run under the bridge. Once you grieve the loss, and accept the current situation, you will probably feel angry about a lot things. This is normal. Once the anger subsides, you will start to look at the future instead of the past. Give yourself time to heal and you will love again! The first person you will love, will be YOURSELF. Before you know it, you will start to see your positive traits and a whole wolrd of new possibilities will open up for you. It will be a time of great personal growth and development. There is indeed life after divorce -- a wonderful and happy life! Good luck!

Answer 3

I am so sorry I don't have the answer. Only time will really help. Is there a way that you can arrange that the 2 of you don't work together side by side anymore. Maybe you can speak to your superior in your company to arrange that you be placed in a different department, or something in that order.

Aside from that, let your kids be your life. Give them your all. And put all your efforts, and love you have to them. Concentrate on them. They are hurting. and grieving just like you, but differently. You are the adult here, no matter how great your pain. Realize they need you now more than ever. Eventually, the pain will subside and you will be able to move on. It won't happen overnight, but the feeling of love, and friendship that you will share with your children will definitely ease your pain, and thiers.

THEY ARE THE ONES YOU HAVE TO THINK OF NOW. You have to stop focusing on yourself, and focus on your children. Otherwise you will lose them too. They are teens, and need you desperately.

Hope I helped you, and made you realize what your priorities are NOW.

Sincerely, a y/a contributor

Answer 4

Jim:
I feel your pain! I'm going through a similar situation except with about a dozen more years of marriage and older children. Not to sound so negative, but have you considered the thought that maybe she has already found someone else and that's why she is not willing to try and make it work? From experience, don't beat yourself up. If you are sincerely willing to change and she's not willing to give you another chance, then it's her loss. Someone recently said to me, "you can't MAKE somebody love you". It's so true but in the same respect, a very hard pill to swallow! It's very hard to let go, I know! I'm dealing with it on a daily basis. There really is nothing anyone can say or do. It has to come from inside you! Accepting the fact that you are no longer loved is heartrenching and demoralizing. People keep telling me that somewhere out there is a man that will love me and treat me like I deserve to be treated and I know the same is true for you! You still have your wonderful children and their love. Cherish it and enjoy every second with them. Don't let her win by allowing her to see how she has devastated you. I think is some sick way, they enjoy watching the ones they've destroyed suffer. Be strong!!!

Answer 5

I'm coming out of a similar situation.

Sounds like the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome. She leaned on you for emotional support for years and you needed her approval. Looks like when you withdrew due to raising the kids, she found the inner resources not to be so clingy (unless she has transferred those feelings to your sons).

One thing I can say, my wife also suffered some serious traumatic abuse growing up, and is very dependent on men. I've learned that it is very difficult to reassure victims enough (No disrespect but she was like a bottomless pit). We grow up, love changes, we change. I don't think my wife was mature enough to realize that.

You may not want to go back to the way things were before. Actually, its impossible. That doesn't mean that it has to be over. I recommend Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue - it's a lot of work but it can help you evaluate the situation as it is. Also No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr. Glover (1st name slips my mind right now). It deals with a syndrome a lot of men get sucked into where we feel so bad being ourselves that we end up always trying to get approval from other people. I just started working through this one, now I'm starting to see its message in all kinds of material.

Good Luck and God Bless You.

Answer 6

It is hard to measure the grief you are going through. This is how it goes in a divorce. One tries and tries, then gives up. After the first one gives up the second one wants to try. Not because the 2nd one does not care. The second one does not see what is going on and makes a choice of not looking at the picture as a whole. The best thing you can do is let her have the space she needs. You both need to figure out what you want out of life and how you are going to get it. I pray for the children in all this they are the ones that are going to be hurting a lot worse than you. Do your best to give her space and be supportive. If you want this to work for the best interest of the children you are going to have to work with your wife and deal with whatever she chooses. If she decides that this is truly over, you will have to accept it. If not the anger and jealousy will ruin your chance of a happy life. It is true you love her and care for her. If that is the case then you need to step back and do what is in her and the children's best interest. If that means there is not future for the two of you as a couple, take what you have learned, mourn, and move on. Faith has a hold on this and what will be will be. Best of Luck

Answer 7

Always approach her with friendly affection and concern. At the same time, tell her you accept that the marriage is over because you know she has refused to go to marital counseling with you. Tell her that since you can't do anything at this point to make the marriage work, you will try your best to make the divorce work. And then do it.
As far as getting over what I'm sure you perceive to be a personal failure, just start dating as soon as the divorce is final and not before.
Ask friends if they know single women suitable for you to date. Be friendly - not on the job if you know what is good for you! An interoffice romance while dealing with an ex is never a good idea.
As you date, you will get over your 'failure' but realize that it is done with. You're not going to salvage this. But you do have to know this person for the rest of your life so strive to make the next relationship with her a supportive friendship. Give up hopes that you will be able to turn back the clock.

Answer 8

Jim, I am so sorry that this happening to you. Wish we could rewind our lives and take back our wrongs. Honey, you are in a very difficult place right now, and it's going to be easy to let her go, but you have got to find the strength to go on with your life.

Your two boys need a mentally happy father in their lives. Teach him to avoid your mistakes that you made. Tell your wife, that you love her, and that you are sorry for the hurt you caused her, and if sometime down the road that she changes her mind to give you a call. She made a hard decision, please respect it. Give her the ok to leave without anymore drama, that's what is true love, letting go. It's so heartbreaking to hear and read your story. 18 years is a very long time, and it's sad to hear your pain in your words. Regrets are pain that we have to learn to live with.

Working together might not be the wisest thing. If you can do it, then do it. But, are you both going to be so uncomfortable that you can't do your jobs. One of you may have to leave. Speak to her about this. It would be great if you could become some kind of friends. Especially, since you have kids together. Maybe not friends like before, but being able to discussing things important about the children without bringing up all the past issues that drove you apart.

Jim, we sure could use a time machine couldn't we. Praying that you find the strength to let go. You can do this, and make yourself happy again. Look at this as a new beginning for you, do stuff you have always wanted too. Take up a new sport, travel, take classes at night, improve yourself, make some new friends. Do things that you couldn't before. You will make it, and know you aren't alone. There's others out there in similar circumstances and have succeed in finding a new kind of happiness. Different than before, but good!

God bless us all.........

Answer 9

18 years of love. wow. I'd first stop working together. Allow her some time. I'd insist on counseling for the two of you. Tell her if not for us, than for the boys. We need to give them the loving family backing needed to bring them to adulthood in a positive manner.
Determination may be the key to what will bring you back together. Rekindling an old love may not be what you want, but a new brighter, steadfast love. Go back to the initial dating books, and find things that will perk her up, surprise her, stimulate her.
Falling out of love, maybe that's her way of saying taken for granted. So.... get creative, and spontaneous. look for way to make her laugh again. Being together day and night may have axed some of that. Don't be her boss, be her lover, and her support system. The man she can laugh with, who may whisk her away for a surprise weekend that will make her feel young again. Go back to the special treatment, without being overwhelming, or begging. Be strong enough to be her man.

Do things apart, that you can bring back and share together. I am not advocating dating other people at all.
If she is completely indifferent to you, then it may be the toughest thing in your life, but you sound ready to at least give it your all.
I wish you all the luck and determination that will be needed to climb this mountain.

Answer 10

You say she is very angry and fed up. It sounds like you should let her go so she can do what she must to have the kind of life and love she deserves. If she doesn't return to you at least you did the best you could to be supportive in the end after your bad start.

I would tell her that I don't want to know about her personal life now that you're divorcing. You're going to be platonic from now on. Don't tell her that you still want only her. Agree with her if she attacks you and apology. Tell her, you'd make it up to her if she gave you a chance. You will wish her all the best whatever she decides. Tell her that you will always love her and appreciate having her in your life.

It's not a good time to start dating but you can do what makes you happy and enjoy the kids. Time heals. Whatever will be will be. tralalah and hey nonnee nonnee....lighten up....it's just life. It's okay to cry. Forgive yourself.

Answer 11

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It hurts so bad. It feels like someone has ripped your heart out and there is this empty hole left. I too have experienced this type of hurt, but my husband and I are best friends again. Although, we will never be husband and wife, we were able to see beyond our selfish desires and concentrate on the children because they are the one's that really get the crap end of the stick and it's not even there fault. It will be difficult, but think of your boys. They will need you now more than ever.