A question for HAPPILY MARRIED people out there.?

Question

I know about the bumps in the road but if you are generally happy in the marriage, what is your most effective secret to sustainability?

Answer 1

If you really want to know then read on...

Today it seems like many people get married because they think that they love one another, but when that initial attraction dies out, the marriage gets rocky, and often ends in divorce. I have learned that marriage as well as love is a choice a couple must make on a daily basis, it doesn’t “just happen”… lust “just happens,” not love. Love is something that takes work, and commitment.
Today many people think that when their marriage isn’t turning out like the latest “chick flick” then it’s time to call it quits and move on, and thus, they end up divorcing, moving on to someone else, that they think will be their “soul mate.” But they end up being with this new person until the cycle repeats itself. They fool themselves into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. That is an illusion that people believe, a lie that they listen to, a mirage caused by modern society. No yard grows into a beautiful, green lot by itself. It takes cultivation, care, and nurture for that to happen. Yet so many today want the instant successful, happy, perfect marriage without the work involved in cultivating such a relationship.
Two people do not fall in love, they fall in lust. Two people grow in love, because love goes deeper than physical attraction. The physical attraction is no doubt what draws most people together, but after time that attraction may no longer be present. We age, we gain weight, we do things that can make us less attractive. For example: our behavior can effect how attractive we appear to our mates. If I am an *** for the entire week, there is a good chance my wife will not find me as attractive during that week. If she does nothing but nag me for a week, there is a good chance that I will not find too much attractive about that. But attraction is not love. I can be an *** for weeks on end and my wife still loves me. But what happens is when a person is no longer physically attractive to their mate, then the “excitement” of the relationship appears to be lost, and they decide that the only way to get back to the excitement of a relationship is to move on to someone else. This happens because the marriage relationships of today are often built on faulty premises and on ideals shoved down our throats by feminists and Hollywood.
The answer to this problem is found in the Bible.
If two people who are entering marriage not only commit themselves to one another, but covenant with one another, and both agree that the marriage is UNTIL DEATH, then when problems, disagreements, etc… arise, they immediately set themselves to work on a solution. Knowing that divorce is not an option, the couple must then compromise, work things out in a mutually beneficial way, and try to understand their mate, and find a solution to whatever the problem might be. They learn to stop fault finding, and knit picking, and instead start looking at the positives that their mate possesses. Thus they will start seeing those things that make their mate loveable, instead of those things that they think are wrong with them. When a couple does this, it benefits both the husband and wife. Negative words and comments are no longer something that they feel they must be constantly defending themselves from, and they too are finding positive things in their spouse. They then begin to grow in love, as they see more and more that there are many things to love about the one they have married.
It is the constant fault finding, blaming, and knit picking that break up so many marriages. And people will say, “Well if he did what a husband was supposed to do.” “If he was able to keep a job.” “If he treated me right.” Or, “If she did what a wife was supposed to do.” “If she would pick up this nasty house.” “If she treated me right.”
When the reality is, BOTH parties are probably not doing what they are supposed to do. BOTH parties are not doing what is typical of a husband and wife. He’s probably got some issues with work, or with doing stuff around the house, or with this thing or that, and she’s probably got some issues with house work, with cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, doing laundry. But when a person has a tendency to find fault there is a very good chance that they are doing so to cover their own. It makes them feel better about their many screw ups to point out where someone else has screwed up.
But one of the keys to a successful marriage is to stop doing that. Before you start pointing out all of your spouses flaws take an honest look at yourself. Husbands, before you start naming off all the things your wife should’ve done today, take a look at all the areas where you’ve fallen short. Wives, before you start on your husband about this thing or that, take a look at all of the things you have done.
You can rest assured that both husband and wife are aware of their flaws and the constant reminder of them does nothing to help them, but only makes them put up defense mechanisms to keep them from being emotionally and mentally driven into the ground.
STOP DOING IT.
Both the husband and wife have to stop. It has to be mutual. If only the husband stops, or if only the wife stops, then you will have an abusive relationship, where one person is taking the nagging and fault finding. This will be bad for both the husband and wife. Bad for the one who is taking the abuse because it will emotionally and mentally drive them down to a point where they either seek some form of relief (be this adultery, drugs and alcohol, or going postal when they’ve had enough), and bad for the one who is doing the nagging because it will make them feel worse and worse about themselves, subconsciously.
The next step is for both the husband and wife to realize that absolutely nothing, NO THING, be it material or physical can bring about contentment. Material things can and do bring about a temporary happiness. My wife bought me an ipod for Christmas. I was happy to get it, but it cannot bring me contentment. We recently bought a brand new Ford Escape (our SUV), it is very nice and we were very happy to get it, but it did not, and will not bring us contentment. We have traveled the world, and it is something that we enjoy doing very much, and it is a very happy and enjoyable experience to do that, but it cannot EVER bring us contentment. No amount of money can bring contentment. Having your husband get that “good job” will not bring you contentment. Having your wife “keep the house clean” will not bring you contentment. Winning the lottery will not make you content. Yes it would be nice to pay off bills and things like that, it might make you happy to be able to buy nice things, but that will not bring contentment. Physical things cannot make you content. Physical intimacy is nice, and something that people enjoy, but it does not bring contentment. It brings temporary pleasure, but eventually it ends, and soon enough we will want more. Physical intimacy outside of the marriage definitely doesn’t bring contentment, in-fact it brings more discontentment. It causes a void to open up. People often think that the physical pleasure and excitement they experience during physical intimacy is contentment, but it’s not. It is a temporary feeling, and if that is what they are doing to seek contentment, then as soon as its over and the feelings of pleasure are gone, there is a hole, a void, and to fill that void they will seek out more and more physical pleasure, but the void can never be filled by that.
A lot of people divorce because they are looking for this contentment and security, and stability that they believe should be part of the relationship, but the problem is that they are looking for it in the wrong places, they are looking for it incorrectly. Thinking that if they marry a wealthy person, then things will be better and they will find those things. Thinking that if they marry an attractive person, then things will be better and they will find those things. Thinking that if they marry this person who has this trait, or that person who acts in a certain way, or this person because he makes me laugh, or that person because he is good in bed, or this person because he has a steady job, or that person because she keeps the house clean, or this person because she is an intellectual, then everything will work out right and I will be content. That’s a lie. The guy/girl who married the wealthy person finds a fault or faults within their spouse and begins to magnify that fault to the point where it overshadows all of the positives, and so and so down the street begins to look much more appealing, mainly because you’re magnifying all the faults in your spouse, while seeing none of the faults in so and so down the street. The guy/girl who marries the one who makes them laugh starts finding faults and their spouses humor is no longer the draw it once was. The guy/girl who marries the one who is good in bed starts finding faults and gets to the point where they are no longer physically attracted to their spouse any longer, and the hot little number at work has been giving them the eye so off they go to repeat the cycle. The guy/girl who marries the one because they have a steady job starts finding faults and even though their job is steady and good, they feel that there is more to life than what they are experiencing so off they go. The guy/girl who marries the one who keeps the house in order starts finding faults and they feel that the house could burn down for all they cared.
But the problem is that they are finding all of these faults and no longer looking at all the positives. They are finding all these faults and not looking at the faults of their own.
None of those things can bring about contentment. All of those things, as well as other things are only portions of the whole.
Love is where contentment is found. True love. The love that a couple has GROWN into, not just the lust that they might have fallen into.
The Greeks had four words for love:
Eros – which is the erotic type of love that we associate with lust.
Philia – which is the brotherly type of love we have for family. Where we get the word Philadelphia.
Storge – which is the love that best friends, or soldiers who have experienced combat would share with one another.
Agape – which is the unconditional love. The type of love God has for His children, or the type of love a loving parent would have for their children, and the type of love that should be found in a marriage relationship. It isn’t based on any conditions, or any preconceived notions. It is love that is born out of a choice to love that person.
All of these loves are involved in a marriage relationship in a sense, but eventually the ideal is Agape. This is the kind of love that brings contentment within the marriage relationship. This is the kind of love that expects nothing in return, it doesn’t keep score, it doesn’t demand a standard of behavior, or set a bar of achievement. It is the kind of love that causes me to cook supper for my wife, or causes me to hug or kiss her out of the blue, for no reason, and without expecting anything in return. It is the kind of love that causes me to play with my children, even though I am swamped with work that needs to get done, and I know I will have to work doubly hard and stay up late to finish it. This is the kind of love that doesn’t hold a grudge, or keep score of wrongs done, and when you give it and receive it, there is nothing that this world can offer that would make you want to give it up. It is a growing type of love that increases exponentially.
We should understand that it isn’t turning a blind eye to wrongs that are done to you, but it is not simply saying, “Well so and so did me wrong and is a worthless piece of crap so I’m leaving.” Instead, it is saying, “What you have done/are doing is wrong, but I love you so much I am going to help you not do that anymore. I love you so much that we are going to get through this together, no matter how long it takes and no matter how hard it is.”
Divorce should never be an option. The idea of divorce should be eliminated from the minds of the husband and wife. The Bible clearly says that the only reason people get divorced is because they could not forgive. Jesus then went on and taught that if you are unable to forgive then God will not forgive you.
Adultery is not the cause of divorce. It is the inability to forgive the cheating spouse that causes divorce.
Having a lazy husband or wife is not the cause of divorce. It is the inability to forgive the lazy husband or wife that causes divorce.
Unforgiveness is the cause of divorce, God made an exception because of the hardness of mans heart.
My wife and I have made our mistakes, and no doubt we will make more, but one thing we have decided was that come hell or high water we were going to work things out and stay together until death do we part. When we got married we made a vow before God Almighty and we mean to keep it. That led us to another decision. We could either spend the next 40, 50, 60, or however many years we have left, knit picking and fault finding, or we could try to make things better. We could either continue to point the finger at one another, or we could start looking at ourselves and seeing what WE needed to change in OURSELVES. We had to distinguish between wants and needs, and we had to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side.
I now tell people this very thing; that the grass may seem greener on the other side, but once you get there you realize that this grass (person or lifestyle) has their own set of problems, their own set of faults, their own set of things that will cause problems. We all do, we are fallen, sinful creatures. And if we refuse to see that and realize that, then we will jump from mate to mate, from relationship to relationship, spouse to spouse, seeking something that cannot be found. Sort of like Sisyphus from Greek Mythology, who pushed a rock up a hill for all eternity, yet never achieved anything.

Answer 2

I agree with a lot of what "drftnindian" is saying...

Staying happy and committed in a relationship/marriage is a choice you make and you also choose to love someone. If the feeling is mutual and there are things about the other person's personality that you like and love, it draws you to them...and you two have good communication with each other, then that's a huge key to having a successful marriage. You have some kind of attraction between you and there will always be temptations on the outside...always "options" available to you, but if you're committed to your spouse and you choose them, then those outside things won't interfere or move you to action. They will come and go without affecting your relationship and you will move forward together in life with the knowledge that you are both choosing to be with each other and this develops trust between you over time and makes the connection stronger.

Answer 3

Communication is obvious, but you have to work on it because men and women do it differently - those are the secrets you need to unlock. Compromise (yes it's hard). Realizing that marriage is hard work, really, but it's worth the nurturing and the care required because the love grows and deepens over the years. Probably our biggest thing, married almost 18 years, is the fun, the laughter, the lust.... they make every moment of every day totally happy!
And no nagging, no picky little fights... those are never about the real "issues" - deal with those maturely, and get through them together.

Answer 4

Emotional maturity; being able to just get along with each other.

Sure, we enjoy hot sex and have a long list of shared interests/activities, but in general, it's our ability to just coexist peacefully and compromise when we need to.

I tell lots of participants in here that one of the most common shortcomings in relationships is just the inability to resolve little decisions and problems, let alone the BIG ones.

I take things like good sex and general fun times for granted; everyone should have those.

It's how you handle the sticky situations and life decisions that matters.

If every little problem becomes traumatic, that can wear on a relationship big time.

Answer 5

Honestly, the best way I've been able to sustain my marriage is by reminding myself that I'm free to leave at any time. I got married when I was really young and foolish and inexperienced and for the first few years I was like, "Oh no, I got married against my will!" But then I realized I could leave any time I wanted. Sure I'd have to deal with all the consequences of leaving my marriage, but the only person making me stay in the marriage was me. Now I do nice things for my spouse because I love them, not because I'm obligated to honor my vows or whatever.

Seriously, though, until I realized I could leave at any time, all I saw were the flaws in my spouse. I just kept getting more and more bitter because I felt like I was 'tricked' into marriage. But now I stay married because it want to. It's really pretty liberating when you realize your life is your own.

Answer 6

I agree that communication is VERY impor-
tant, and willing to give in to each other
every now and then, and no I do not mean
any affairs outside the marriage. It works as
we have been married over 20yrs and are
still happy. One more thing doing things to-
geather so that the wife does not have to
stay home all the time.

Answer 7

Here is what works for me and my wife... We CHOOSE to be happily married and fulfilled by each other. It is a choice... It isn't something that "Oh I am in love and this white picket fence" type thing. You have to chose that you are happy and accept that things will be thick and thin and you won't bail when its tough..... Like when my kids were born (I am a puss when it comes to other PEOPLE's pain) I had to power through it for my wife and child... That is frickin making a choice for better or worse! OMG that was hard. But like I said I vowed to her it was going to be through thick and thin til death do us part. I meant it and so did she. A Choice...

Also, the ring on my finger doesn't belong to me. It belongs to my wife and I also vowed to live up to what she thinks that ring stands for. Another choice. But that is how I look at it. I will never take it off because I told her that what is important to her will be safe with me....

there you have it

peace

Answer 8

Trust
Love
Communication
Care
And be logical
Forgive and forget, forgetting is very imp as I have seen a few couples who forget time beingly but remmber the worse thing when they argue again and they never make a healthy atmosphere

stop the blame game

tackle things maturily

good luck

Answer 9

My husband is a gentleman, and is always polite to me, no matter how much I bother him.

He says that we stay together because I even though I am stubborn, I AM humble, and I always admit my mistakes and apologize when I misspeak.

If he was as immature as I am, we would be divorced by now.

He is 30 and I am 40.

Answer 10

lots of good drugs and vodka...

What I have found that works is laughing , communication, and knowing when just to let the argument die. I know some couples that argue over the same stupid stuff for days... Is it really that important if he left the lid off the toothpaste? do you want to be unhappy for the next two weeks because of toothpaste?

Answer 11

I once read if you try to make your spouse happier than you are and they are doing the same a marriage can not fail. I've kind of lived by that ever since.