what would you do if your husband family constantly gave you trouble?

Question

I have had the worst time with them over the past year. My husband just told me that the real reason why they didn't come around for Thanksgiving was because my husband was working and so they would rather just not come around thats fine, but what about our kids. My family lives out of state and so I spent thanksgiving alone with the kids. They also did not spend Christmas with us either because we went to see my mom on Christmas Eve and so that really tissed her off. She did even send the kids any presents and trust they could have. She complans because I never call her I barely call anybody anymore. She never calls me and when I do call her she finds a reason to get off the phone. Doesn't the phone work both ways. I just don't now what to do about this anymore please helpNo,she was not like this before we got married. This all started when we bought our home and I got a job. I dont think that she thinks a woman should work.

how is this being selfish we have done so much for her her house is on the market and we meaning my husband and self are consatly helping her to take care of it because no one else will take the time to.We get her meds from the store when she is unable to pick them up herself

Answer 1

First of all welcome her to the 2000's and tell her to build a bridge and get off it. Sounds to me like they have issues, I am a firm believer in honesty call her out on it, don't beat around the bush just because she is an in-law, she is obviously rude, so you tell her what you think. She of course will back peddle and tell you it's all in your head, that's when you give her examples of what she does and have her explain herself, put her on the spot. Most people take advantage of nice people like you because they know you won't speak up. Tell her about Thanksgiving and tell her the phone works both ways. I would not deal with her disrespect to you or your children for 1 more day.

Answer 2

I think you and your husband should sit down with her (without the kids) and discuss this. Be direct, but not emotional or argumentative. Give her concrete examples of the behavior that you have issue with. (i.e. Thanksgiving 2006 you didn't want to spend with us and the grandkids really missed you. Christmas 2006 you decided not to come or be part of the gift opening and the kids were very hurt) Let her know that the consequences of her behavior are hurtful to her grandchildren. Ask her if you have said or done something that has made her feel unwelcome and assure her that you really do want her to be part of your lives. Tell her that you miss the way it used to be.

It could be that she is having health problems and doesn't want you to worry about her. My grandmother became quite a handful with my Mom and Dad. There was a huge falling out and my Gram moved closer to one of my Uncles. After she died we found out that Gram had been getting more confused with what today would probably have been diagnosed as Alzheimer's Disease.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I've found that the one who treats them the nicest usually gets pooped on the most.

You need to let go of this, and live your life. If they're jealous or unappreciative, then that's their problem, and not yours.

It's not your responsibility to call your mother in law. That's her son's responsibility. If he doesn't call her, then that's between the two of them. Quit setting yourself up to feel slighted. I'd send cards for the appropriate holidays and let it go with that.

I have a feeling Thanksgiving with the kids was alot more pleasant than spending it with them anyway. If he works the holidays, I'd make plans to spend them with my family, and they can just do their own thing.

Answer 4

You and your husband need to make a life for yourselves. I would be nice but keep my distance from his family. Let your husband deal with them. If they don't want to spend holidays with you then look at it this way no stress. Plan some actives with the kids. Make some memories with your children rather then have them remember there childhood as there mom was upset ever holiday and there dad was at work.

Answer 5

Have you talked to your husband about it? You need to keep the lines of communication open with him and his family. Being respectful but also being a 'united front' together when it comes to situations that may arise. You are his wife and the bible says that he should 'cleave unto you' so if you are feeling disenfranchised by his family then he needs to step up and be the one to make sure his family is respecting his wife and including her--because YOU ARE part of the family after all!!! Hope this helps....your in-laws should be kind to you...my husbands folks are wonderful and have been very accepting of myself and they would do anything for our kids.

I wish you all the best!
Heather

Answer 6

I know exactly what you mean, I'm having the same problems with my in-laws-except mine are worse. My advice would be to just ask her flat out if somethings going on. Tell her you didnt mean to offend her if you did, and that you really don't call anyone anymore. Maybe then she'll let you know why shes acting that way. And if worse comes to worse treat her the same way, show her how it feels to be treated that way. Hope everything works out for you. Good luck.

Answer 7

I had the opposite prob with my mom in law. She is very independant with a hubby that just lays down and takes it. We decided to raise our kids traditionally and so she threw a fit because she said I am taking advantage of her son! UGH, lol. I feel for you, been there. I can tell you what we did. Our situation is very similar. We lived two blocks from my sis in law and yet my inlaws were always there but could never find time to come see us. She dotes on my sis in laws kids but ignores ours... we have boys -sis in law has girls. She told us one time that basically 'sons are sons until they take a wife-daughters are daughters for life.' When she missed my oldest sons 5th birthday because they had to work... and then his baptisim because she needed to get her weekend chores done... I had it. My hubby is in a press operator... I went online and put his resume and hunted for openings out of state... We then moved from Colorado to NY. I told my mom in law straight up that I wasnt going to watch her treat my kids like second rate citizens and that when living out of state I can easily say 'they live closer to Auntie' when my kids question why they spend so much time with my sis in law. It has been 3 yrs and has worked out great. I have to say that there was a moment of sheer bliss when I saw the look on her face when she realized we were moving for real and she would not have us at her disposal. My family was also in Colorado, but it had just gotten too hard to literally live in the same state as them. It is amazing the emotional damage this can cause to your kids, they see way more than you realize. My oldest was lil at the time and he had put two and two together and called us on it one night... we were always making excuses for the inlaws and he said one night 'why do you lie - they don't love me and you are lying for them!' So.... that was when we had to decide which was more important, our house and life there or creating a new more encouraging life for our kids elsewhere. My kids don't even ask about hubbys parents now... they could care less. It doesn't affect them now because they don't have to deal with it all the time, it isn't in their faces now.
You want my advice.... Move to the state where your family is... your kids deserve to have family that adores them and wants them around. Then you can reduce this useless relationship to long distance and minimize yours and your childrens hurt now and in the long run.
If you hunt for a job in your hubby's field you will find that a lot of places will hire and pay for the move. That is what we did.
I wish you all the best and hope what I have said helps!!!!

Answer 8

You have to decide which you value more...

A life with minimal drama

or

Family

I personally don't believe in family for the sake of family. People in your life should bring value, not cause pain or drain energy, even if you are related to them.

So decide. Cut them off completely OR work really hard on building the relationships with honesty/accept the drama and try to mitigate it. No excuses either way.

Good luck. This will not be easy.

Answer 9

Sounds like she needs to mind her own business and let the two of you live as u wish. She shouldnt dictate what u and your hubby do.
I guess it depends on what u want to do. Talk to her maybe and tell her how u feel. Tell her u dont like the situation and that it makes u very uncomfortable. Ask her what the deal is.
Air out that dirty laundry. See if it can be resolved.
Good luck hun.

Answer 10

You don't have anything to prove to your husband's family. You are doing the best you can and it's just too darned bad that they can't see that. In the end, it will not be you who loses out...they will miss seeing their grandbabies grow up and they will miss out on having their grandbabies see them as role models. Your kids will miss out too, but being that there's nothing you can do about that, why stress out about it? It sounds like they have some growing up to do.