My finance said he wanted kids someday when we first met, but he is 40 and I am 32 and within two years I will want them. he feels he is getting older and doesn't want to be an old dad but he may change his mind. Do I marry him on the hope that he may change his mind? Any advice from someone who has dealt with this would be helpful....
2007-04-28 14:42:51 · 22 answers · asked by recruiterjodi 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't think you should marry him until you have a clear decision of what's going to happen.
Are you DETERMINED that you absolutely without a doubt want children?
My situation with my fiance is SOMEWHAT similar to yours..kinda..
He already has a daughter. We, of course, have discussed having children in the future....he says he would like to have more children, but it's completely up to me if it happens. There are days that I think I do want to have kids some day, and days when I would be completely happy never SEEING a child again. So he has left the decision up to me. He doesn't care either way.
I guess in my situation I'm just really lucky to have someone who will let me decide that....but I think if it's something that's really important to you, and it's a big deal to him to NOT have children......then I think you'll have a lot of conflict in a lot of other areas in your life. Seldom do we not hold grudges and carry over our anger into other arguments or areas of our relationships.
If I were you....I wouldn't marry him HOPING he'd change his mind. Know BEFORE you go into the marriage. Do either of you have children? I think that if either of you do, then it's silly to make such a big deal about having MORE children.
Good luck. And be careful with whatever you decide!
2007-04-28 15:04:46 · answer #1 · answered by jezyka 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did HE say he may change his mind or are you hoping he will? You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. You are willing to roll the dice on the possibility that he MAY change his mind. What if he doesn't? Can you live with that? What if you end up getting pregnant and he divorces YOU? Or what if you and he have a baby and he's really not interested in playing the daddy role? It's not fair to go into a marriage saying you understand how he feels about this all the while hoping he'll change his mind. Maybe you two should get some counseling over this issue before you make any rash decisions.
2007-04-28 14:48:46 · answer #2 · answered by Emily Dew 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How important is having kids for you? That should be your answer. It is possible he could change his mind but it’s also possible he may not change his mind. Children and how many one would like to have needs to be discussed prior to the marriage, so I applaud you for that.
If it just due to his age just tell him that there are becoming more older parents all the time. If he was in his early 40’s that certainly wouldn’t be that old. My aunt and Uncle adopted a baby 3 years ago, at the time they were 48 and 46
A few years ago Ricki Lake who I think is now divorced, said that as much as she loved her husband she would not have married him if he had been unwilling to have children. Grant I want kids one day too so I wouldn’t marry a man who didn’t want them.
2007-04-28 15:10:08 · answer #3 · answered by Spread Peace and Love 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Haven't been in this situation, but have maybe some things to consider.
Usually we can't change someone, we can only change ourselves, so it's highly unlikely to change someone's mind about something so important. You may wish with all your heart that he would change his mind, but wishing may not make it so.
If it is TRULY in your heart important to you that you want to have children and be a mom, then he is not the right guy for you. You love him, he loves you, and you have a wonderful relationship - but if he doesn't in his heart want what you want, then it's just not a good "match". That doesn't lessen your feelings for him, you maybe just shouldn't marry.
What no one would want to see happen is you getting resentful after marrying him, then him reiterating that he doesn't want children - then your marriage and relationship being ruined. You are lucky - you had this talk now, not two years from now, after marriage before things were straightened out.
Honestly, it's a hard decision for you. However, in a similar circumstance, I would not take the chance. I always wanted to be a wife and mother, and I made certain my future husband wanted the same thing. Actually in our case, we both wanted lots of kids, and because of medical problems we have one child, who is in fact a miracle for us, because it was against all odds that he is here! I feel very blessed and fortunate to have had the opportunity to be a mom! I know now how my own mom felt when she talked to me after my son was born, I am the youngest of four sisters who are all married and have kids - she said SHE felt so wonderful then, knowing that all of her daughters have become mothers. It was like the passing of the torch, you know....
Good luck, seek counsel from your mom, your minister, whomever you feel secure with to talk about this.
2007-04-28 14:52:16 · answer #4 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I haven't dealt with this but I'm 63 and going to be a dad again soon.
But why do you think he would lie to you? And what good will it do you to stick around, marry the guy, and then spend the rest of your days trying to get him to change; or worse, trick him into having a baby he already says he does NOT want?
Not an easy situation for you, I know, but you have to believe people when they tell you stuff like that.
Good Luck
2007-04-28 14:49:04 · answer #5 · answered by snvffy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Guys use that "bait and switch" crap all the time. I'm in a similar situation, except I'm not getting married anytime soon nor am I engaged and it's probably best for me that my bf doesn't want kids right now 'cause I don't want them for a few years myself... anyhoot, don't marry the guy. You'll eventually try to trick him to get pregnant and then he'll be resentful of you if you do get pregnant then you'll probably end up as a single mother, which isn't a bad thing, but it'd be hard.
2007-04-28 15:54:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
One of my friends did just that. She married someone 10 years older than her and after 19 years of hoping he would change his mind, she divorced him. Now, she is looking to find a dog to fill in the gap. She is depressed and full of regret.
But that is her. I would seriously think about what is most important to you in the long run, dear.
May I suggest adoption?
2007-04-28 14:50:23 · answer #7 · answered by majestic_red 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do not marry someone hoping he will change his mind about children. You would be setting yourself up for future heartache.
When you marry, you commit to spending your life with somebody just as they are. If having children is important to you, find a guy who will be the best partner and father.
You deserve to be happy. Wait for the guy who has it all!
Best of luck.
2007-04-28 14:51:35 · answer #8 · answered by Freebird 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The biggest problem with marriage is that a woman marries a man thinking he will change (he won't) and a man marries a woman thinking she won't change (she will). You want to have babies with a man who has said he doesn't want them. Does this make sense to you? Don't you see that this will create conflict in your life? Go find a man that wants children. There are plenty of them out there.
2007-04-28 14:53:06 · answer #9 · answered by Ronin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
please don't put your self though this my uncle had same problem he never wanted kids witch i understood he grew up in an abusive home and he didn't know any better and was afraid what he would turn out like but she married him thinking she could change his mind about it 10 years after marriage it ended cause he didn't want kids sit down and really thing about it before u get married
2007-04-28 15:14:14 · answer #10 · answered by stawberryshortcake81 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋