Does this make me a horrible person?

Question

I despise my ex husband with every single bone in my body. I regret ever saying yes to him, to ever even knowing him and for letting him destroy my life. The only thing I will ever thank him for is my 3 wonderful children, whom, though i was on 'the pill' when I fell for them, I had something that was actually mine to love. They keep me sane. He lied to me, he deceived me, he threatened my ex bf just so he could have me and by that he took away the only person I will ever love. He destroyed me and all my confidence.

I only found out about the threats he made recently. This all happened years ago, but I feel that because of this i have been living a total lie and it saddens me to know I was fooled and my bf at the time, who I loved more than life itself, was too scared to come get me because of my husbands threats to him. All this time I spent thinking he didnt want me anymore, when the truth is he was totally and utterly gutted. Its too late to turn back time, but I can still hate my ex husband for treating me like a possesion of his, before he even had me.

Answer 1

You are not a horrible person, you are just very hurt. I hated my exhusband too but now I see how miserable his life is and how he has been repaid for all the crap he put me through and I actually feel a little pity for him. (not much, but a little).I have always believed that what goes around comes around and I have actually seen it happen with him.

Answer 2

Life is too short for this much hate t still be circulating your mind and making you bitter. You have ti draw a line and move on.
maybe you need counselling to overcome some of the hurtful things he did to you? You may need help to move on? Counselling would be good for that.
Your confidence is at an all time low. So do something about it! Rise above the jerk that destroyed you and come out a stronger person and i am sure you will. All this bitterness is not good for your kids either. Go to self-confidence building classes or relaxation classes at college/night school. Do some work on becoming more assertive. You really can do it. But moving on is the answer. Sitting bitter will destroy you more. Now it's time to heal yourself.

Ignore MCC daft answer!!!! You are NOT and i repeat NOT horrible at all. You had a lot to contend with.

Good luck

Answer 3

I know a very close person who was in a similar situation where she gave in and accepted marriage after months of intimidation and fights with her partner. She kept repeating the same as you, that she regretted having said yes etc. but then, aware of the tense and unstable relationship between the 2, she always took precaution not to have kids, as it's such a huge responsibility to provide a loving and stable environment, with 2 caring and protective parents to care for them, and rise them. You went through the whole journey with your husband, and I agree with the man above who wrote you have to take your responsibilities. Of course, you do, both parents do. If you conceive a child while on the pill, then you are double careful of not letting it happen twice, let alone 3 times, while your marriage was already degrading. Whatever your husband did, your kids are now the ones you need to focus on, and if you start to see the things from a different angle, you will stop seeing yourself as a victim, leave the past behind, and this will make you stronger towards facing the furture. Good luck!

Answer 4

I understand you are very bitter but carrying this amount of hate around with you throughout your life is not healthy nor positive for you.
Although you now know what your x-husband did to your then boyfriend and you are sickened by it,no amount of hatred or ill feeling will ever change anything.
You must try and move on and forget about this episode in your life,you have your children,you have your own life and family that love you.
Dont dwell on your past and the deceit you feel,you have a life to live and you should enjoy that life.
Have fun with your family and friends and i really hope in time you will come to see this as a bad time thats happened that nothing can change or alter.
Good luck to you

Answer 5

Honey this is like reading my own diary.
YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON
I really really feel for you. I hung on in there hoping if I worked hard enough at the marriage my ex would want to turn things around. Instead he left me and my three children without a penny, with no notice and went to live with his latest "bit".
I was devastated and very angry and bitter. But that twisting gut churning feeling just made me feel ill. I soon realised that I was so much happier and better off without him. Now instead of hating him I am indifferent.
I wish I hadn't "wasted " 20 years.... but like you I have 3 beautiful children.So I asked myself... would I sooner have never met him and be without my babies.. or to have been to hell and back and have my children. There is of course only 1 answer.... I would do it all again just to have my children.

I've also found the less I know about his new life the easier it is to move on. I can't change the past. But there is no way i will let him waste any of my future.

I REALLY, REALLY WISH YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN GOOD LUCK XXXXXXXX

Answer 6

I know how you feel because I'm going through a divorce right now but you gotta let all of that anger go and start taking care of yourself. You may not like this idea but therapy is a good start. I can see you're doing a lot a venting here and that's OK but really it's the job of a therapist to be your sounding board.
As far as your old love goes, who knows how that would've worked out. You can never tell a mate is a good one until you're already into the commitment. I think that's a sad but true statement.
Calm down, take care of yourself, take care of your kids, make yourself an Ex-husband voo-doo doll and poke it a couple of times each night. Otherwise, you're going to have to move on.
Therapy won't solve your problems. You have to do that yourself, and oddly, that's what going to therapy is supposed to do.
Good luck.

Answer 7

It doesn't make you a bad person in the slightest, but if its to late to get back the love of your life then the worst thing you can do is to waste your precious emotions on carrying on hating your ex hubby because then he still has control over you the best thing you could do is to make your future as happy and successful as you possibly can as that is the sweetest revenge of all.

Answer 8

Sounds like there is no solution for this, since you know you can't change the past, just focus on your kids and try to make it work with someone new, who knows, maybe you weren't meant to be with that other man. This anger you feel for him is really unhealthy. Don't allow your ex to control your life still, he isn't even with you but he dominates your mind. Don't give him the satisfaction of hating him.

Answer 9

No, not terrible, just somewhat dense. You are wasting your life with the bitterness you feel..so much negative energy. There is nothing you can do to change the past and past mistakes, but you are perpetuating them by keep alive in your resentment. What he has not done is DESTROY YOU...you are doing that, believe it or not. Drop the hate, drop the bitterness, it serves nothing but to paralyze you for a good future. Only you can give yourself confidence, no one can give it to you, or take it away. Get moving in the right directions, adn that means putting this all down now. It can be done, it isn't easy, but everytime these thoughts start coming in, say "Stop it right now...I will not go there.!" That is a real beginning. good luck.

Answer 10

You really need to let go of all that hate....it's eating you up. I felt very similar to mine - he left me with 4 kids...just walked out because he got sick of all the commitment involved in 'family'. I used to seeth but eventually I realized that accomplished nothing.

So I took some reflective time for myself and really sorted thru all the crap I was feeling and let it go...I mean I visualized a box and that I was filling it with anger, resentment, jealousy, betrayal, etc. and then I gave it away.

Sounds touchy-feely but it works! I've been ten times better off ever since then.