Question about husband and transgendered issues?

Question

My husband has stated that he is transgendered wants to go through it all including surgery(did not know until after we were married) I told him that I was uncomfortable with it. So he said fine end of it. Now we arent having sex. If he isnt dressed like a woman he isnt interested in sex. I am having a hard time with understanding and figuring out where we go from here. He says that everything will work out. I understand that sex isnt the only thing in a marriage but it is important can we work through this? Or should I just give up? Thanks

Answer 1

You can't make him stop wanting to be what he feels he is truly on the inside.

Imagine it this way: A person is born with two things. A body and a Soul. Sometimes a person is born with a soul of one gender and the body of another.
What a terrible life sentence to force someone who's soul is in the wrong body to live like that forever.

Imagine if you can, that person was you?

To these people it's like being in prison but you didn't do anything wrong!

It's society that can't understand what it's like for transgenders who force unrealistic expectations on them.
That's just cruel.

You two need to see counselors, together and separately.
He needs one to work through his pain of being a woman in a man's body, you so you can work through your pain of feeling deceived by the body of the man you fell in love with. (Remember, he fell in love with you too...so it's not like he ever meant to hurt you)
And then you also need couples' counseling to help you two figure out how you're going to cope with this.

Answer 2

this is a very deeply person issue. Some couples do make it work. Some don't. A common saying amongst the ones that do stick together is something along the lines of I fell for the person, not the parts. They look past the biological at the person inside that they fell in love with. Some are brought closer by it simply because as a person transitions their good traits grow and their bad traits diminish usually because they're finally happy living in their own skin. As for the sex, that's again a tough subject for most couples and different ones take different approaches. For some it's more about intimacy, showing their love in a physical fashion, and pleasuring their partner. They're able to look past the difference in what they're now doing because they aren't focusing on that. They're focusing on showing their love to their partner. Others simply can't adjust. Some become celibate but stay married and continue a sex-less marriage, while for others this is a deal breaker and the relationship ends. Different couples have different feelings about being in a relationship with someone of whatever sex they transition to. For some it may be social stigma of being in a same-sex relationship or religious doctrine. Others maybe can't reconcile their sexuality with being in a straight relationship if it started out a same-sex relationship. There's a lot to think about there. You two need to maintain communication instead of letting this divide you. Either eventually you two will decide to stick it out or break up or something, and it's only fair that both of you should know what's going on in the relationship. This will be a time of great change for your partner. This will also be a time of great change for you and for your relationship. Death and Squeaky have some good advice too.

Answer 3

Since I don't know either of you, I can't make any assumptions about intent, but this is not something to hide from your fiancée, let alone your spouse. Someone doesn't just discover they are TS; it's been part of his life for years. But whether he is really TS (which I am not certain is even a real condition) or is just dealing with conflicting ideas about gender, he was wrong to marry you without telling you, and his "my way or the highway" attitude seems to be storm clouds bringing much devastation. In my opinion, he is not the person you thought you married. Don't get all Oprah-esque and worry about his rights as a person, because even if "she" is trapped in a man's body, "she" knew that when "she" married you and that's just fraud, plain and simple. I've been transgendered all my life, and I know that it's not a secret that you keep from someone you are pledging your love and your life to. I feel for you, because he doesn't seem to be into give and take, just take. Gender issues can be really complex and I hope you will do some reading about it.

Answer 4

Best possible advice: counseling.
His transgender issues coupled with guilt is devastating for him.
Your issues with him being transgender coupled with resentment is devastating for you.

and yes im assuming these emotions are in play because they are completely normal and they have to be dealt with.

You have to consider that your marriage will not survive his transition. Once he has transitioned to female, your relationship (should it survive) will be a lesbian relationship. Are you willing? Are you able? Is that something you can consider?

Counseling. Soon.


Last thought: always remember... no matter the gender... this person will always be someone you loved... enough to want to share your lives together... keep that in mind as the transition advances. Always remember the love.



*edit*
[quote] Of course, he doesn't love you enough to give up his own sexual ambitions... no. [unquote]

What a load of crap!!! Thank you, Dr. Wally for that amazing bit of insight into a complete stranger's psyche!

Answer 5

Poor thing! My heart goes out to you! I have a feeling that "things" have changed. Somehow he's drifting away. I'm not sure what can be done now... I've seen all kinds of shows on this. You might have to be wise and strong, and realize that things won't be the way they were. If you are not happy, then maybe you need to let him go. I know I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone who wanted or is going to go through this. He says "fine it's the end of it" but I'm afraid he is fooling himself, and not you really...

Answer 6

I think both of you need to go into therapy to work this out, him being transgender is NOT his fault. The best thing you can do is to talk to him about what he's feeling and express to him what you're feeling, i say go to therapy because i think a counselor will benefit both of you, he/she will be able to help you sort through what you're feeling in a safe nonjudgemental way. I don't know what state you live in, i live in L.A. and when i seeked out a counselor i found some place where they have Lesbian Counselors. Good Luck!

Answer 7

grow to be a lot less undeniable, uninteresting and uninteresting, i guess. looks are not each and every thing... once you've an exciting existence and personality you would possibly want to be more advantageous attractive than her. per chance initiate a interesting new activity or something. if you're immediately per chance you should initiate courting adult males. confer with your spouse about the way you experience... she might want to be understanding. extremely do stuff to spotlight you more advantageous... i don't be conscious of your economic difficulty, yet a spa day without her as an example might want to be constructive, i think. Or regardless of you've been desirous to do, yet have not finished for regardless of reason... she's spending funds on her transition, make it easier to spend some funds on you! you likely also might want to work out a counselor to talk about your husband's transition. those are some significant adjustments you're experiencing, and that likely none of your pals and relatives have experienced. you're depressed, and antidepressants might want to help, yet i can't make that prognosis depending in simple terms on what you wrote. Mailing lists for spouses of transsexuals can help, yet there's a *lot* of bitching happening on them... i for my section hated being on one particularly quickly. that's no longer sturdy to be round damaging human beings too a lot.

Answer 8

Your husband is more in love with his transgendered alter-ego than he is with you, and I doubt that this will change.

If you're holding on in the hope that he is only going through a phase, then forget it. You will have to be happy as a lesbian or you need a divorce, now.

I believe that the only reason you haven't left already is because you don't want to be the one who initiates the divorce. You don't want to be the "bad" person. After all he still says, he loves you.... Of course, he doesn't love you enough to give up his own sexual ambitions... no.

If your even questioning this then you may need to see a professional marriage counselor on this one. You have your own needs and your needs are more normal.

Answer 9

Sorry, but this one is over. You two cannot agree on this, and it not minor, it is strictly major. Issues like this are through and through him, this is not something he can choose, it is in his core. I cannot blame you for your feelings...you didn't vow to love another woman, yet this is what you have. IT isn't his fault, although I do blame him for not laying this on you BEFORE you were married. That was cowardly. But you have very real grounds for an annulment...go get one...don't bother with a divorce unless their are children involved...just get the marriage annulled. Good luck in the future, and keep your eyes open the next time...this surely cannot have been that big a surprise.

Answer 10

There is a famous sports writer in LA for the LA times, I believe. He is married and transgendered, and will soon be submitting columns as Christine something. I know that he is telling his story, maybe you could find something on the net about it, I saw this on national news this recently. I hope this helps.