O.k. this is regaurding my previous question..?

Question

"Husband been acting strange, now asking for a divorce.. ??"

So, i talked to my husband today and he said some more awful things to me.. i KNOW there is something else he isn't telling me. He seems to sincerely WANT the divorce.

I've talked to his parents, trying to find out if THEY know what's going on with him.. and they said he's been acting volatile to them too. (They don't have a clue why either.. JUST because he can?)

My husband for some reason, wants to take our children from me.. even though i KNOW he can't do this as he has NO reason to. I'm not unfit or anyhting, i believe he wants to take them as some kind of leverage over me/to hurt me some more!

I don't WANT to tell the courts that i don't want him seeing the kids WHEN we divorce, but considering his current unstable mental incapacity.. i think that would be best for now. (Until he gets the help he needs..)

We've been together for almost 10 years, and have 2 kids. I've gotten the distinct feeling in the past that he was cheating.

He is currently deployed, has been for 5+ months.. i'm a stay at home mom with the kids..lately he's been talking about divorce... i don't know why?

Other than the fact that he's deployed (stressed out) I can't think of any reason he's WANT a divorce, i gotten the vibe from him suggesting that he was NOT ready for marriage... and even that he is unhappy being tied down.

He says he loes the kids & me, and that he'd hate to lose us. I think he's playing a very dangerous game..

He WAS hiding e-mails ect. from me and i even found out about a"Singles" website that he had been paying for.. before he was deployed.

I didn't WANT to grant him his request while he IS deployed.. but this is NOT the first time the subject had been brought up by him.

If he is TRULY unhappy then i would give in to his request, but i am by no means "Turning my back on him".. there's only SO much reassurance you can give someone..

I probably SHOULD have mentioned that he seems to use the "Divorce" subject to get ME to do what he wants me to do.. "Manipulation"..

Well, that's another issue entirely.. he DOES NOT call me OR the kids! His communication with us is diminishing..

IN ALL honestly, if i found out that he HAS cheated it will be the end or our marriage.. infidelity i cannot forgive.

Weakness or not, we took vows..

Our 9 year old daughter is Autistic, his re-enlistment was coming up and he asked me what i felt about it.

I told him i was against it, MOSTLY because our daughter takes him being away harder than most kids.. BECAUSE of her diability.

He went and re-enlisted AGAINST my wishes, & that was a pretty hard blow to me..

My husband is full time Army. The first place we were stationed in was Germany (that was when i first suspected he was cheating)

He would go out to bars/clubs ect. & stay out all hours, and refused to let me have a girls night out because "Of the guys that'd try to pick me up".. he said he knew from exp.

Even one of his friends tried to tell me he was doing wrong, though he didn't just out & tell me.. i'm a little niave so i totally didn't get what he was trying to tell me. (one of my friends was there & she took me aside and said he was trying to tell me he was..)

Later he DID say some woman was sitting on my husbands lap making out with him.. but since he just denied it.. ??

There is more than just the previous tho. He got me pregnant when i was 17, i decided to keep the baby (my daughter) against what everyone else thought i should do. I never finished school, i stayed home and raised our daughter.. he continued HIS career.

Now that our daughter & son are older i want to go back to school, & he thinks i'm walking out on him because i want to better myself & NOT be dependant on him.

He's refusing to let me do this, threatening divorce.. it's not fair to me. I waited almost 10 years, so that HE could get HIS education.. while i raised the kids.

He can't seem to do the same for me NOW, it seems he WANTS to keep the control he has over me.. i can't have this kind of marriage.

I've asked in the past if he'd go to Marriage Counseling with me, he refused.. he said everyone would think he was nuts or something. Making excuses.

I'm SURE no one would think badly of him for trying to save his marriage (IF he wanted to, it looks like he doesn't.

I know all that is ALOT to read, but i wanted to give you all a detailed account of what's going on..

Any thoughts?

I want to say, that this WHOLE thing is a bad nightmare to me.. to think that he would throw away 10 years/his family/ what we have in the blink of an eye?

It makes me sick to think about it..

I'm NOT saying i'm perfect, but i wasn't the one to ask for a divorce now was i?

Besides that, i'm not bashing him.. i'm telling you from my point of view what's been said.

Answer 1

stop beating a dead horse because its not going to move and dont worry about the kids if he is on active duty and deployed then no judge in his/her right mind would give him custody.bandage your wonds and move on

Answer 2

I think you better start having a plan of action, one that includes you going back to school and moving in with a family member who is willing to help you out until you finish school and get on your feet. This guy is totally trying to control you (and even more so by saying he's going to take the kids, which he can't do because he's deployable and you've been the primary caregiver - tip: the courts don't punish you for not have a job and only being a housewife and mom) and unfortunately, he's cheating; it's that simple. Most guys in the service do cheat, that's why the divorce rate is higher. You need to remember that you are doing the best you can and having a special needs child is a lot of work but you owe it to your children to better yourself and put them into a stable environment where they aren't threatened with the word divorce either. And don't worry, the Army will make him pay you alimony and child-support, including 50% of his retirement if yall have been together for more than 10 years and he's been in the service that long too and decides to retire (something you can use for leverage in the courts if he wants to retire from the Army). Also the kids will still get medical insurance which sounds important. It also sounds like you should make an appt with the chaplain to get personal counseling and talk about your husband's behavior and an appt with legal services at your Family service center -they may also be able to point you into the direction of getting your education. I am sorry this is happening to you but remember you are more than this situation and you deserve better.

Answer 3

"Shotgun" marriages at a young age are a definite recipe for disaster. I agree with you that it sounds like he was never really wanting to get married as his heart wasnt in it. Now it seems like with his job and the pressure of family life, hes falling apart> He probably not sure of what exactly he does want but hes definitely sure he doesnt want to be married anymore to you. Hes probably blaming you for the stress he has now and does only want the children to hurt you. You are right in that you will never lose those kids and are totally justified in asking the Judge for limited supervised visits due to his current mental stability. There probably many other reasons for his stress than you know about or he will ever admit to. The biggest problem here I see is his mental instability and thats a very dangerous scnrio especially when the two of you come face to face. You might want to consider contacting a local womans help group before that day comes and see if they can help you in any way. Due to his current condition, dont be afraid to get a protective restraining order against him for your guys protection if needbe. Hopefully the military will pick up on his condition and get him some help before a disaster happens as he definitely needs professional help. Dont push the divorce idea until he gets some help, just give him time, but protect yourself and the kids. Good luck

Answer 4

He may be a military man, but he is NOT a very honorable one! He is sending you all of these signals that he does not want to be married. He's probably very immature and very selfish. And as painful as he is treating you, you've got to start looking out for yourself and your kids. Don't try to ask him WHY is he doing these things, or WHAT did you do to cause him to feel this way, it has nothing to do with you, and it has everything to do with his lack of character. I'm sorry dear, but you are going to have to face the fact that he does not love you the way a husband should love his wife. I know this must hurt so deeply especially when it sounds like you have been a good wife and mother and really put your heart and soul into your marriage. He does have some deep seeded issues, but you cannot force him to adress those, only he can admit and acknowledge those things, and he may not have what it takes to own up to those. I'm sure him being deployed DOES put him under alot of stress, however many married men NEED and DEPEND on their wives at home to be there for them, and find it a great comfort having that deep loving connection even though they are apart. Your husband does not sound like this is his way of thinking. Please for yours and your kids sake, get yourself mentally and emotionally prepared to take the steps to get out of this loveless marriage. He has made his wishes known to you, now get tough and take care of yourself and your kids, because HE is not going to help you, but will continue to hurt you. Thoughts and prayers to you and your kids.

Answer 5

Wow, well, the thing here to do is just cut him loose. If he wants out, let him out. Here's the thing about child custody, both of you would have to prove the other unfit, and that takes time and money. If neither of you are into drugs or anything like that, then my guess is shared parenting. Since he's deployed, I don't know how that will work. There are too many red flags in this and there's no reason to let it go on any more. I wouldn't look to his family for help either, my guess is they know and won't tell what his deal is, or just won't tell.

Answer 6

This is something I have seen in my own family. During the time of war divorce rates in military families doubles. We had three men kill their wife's here @ M.A.B. in Florida. Cheating or not what he is doing is a serious cry for help. I would go to the other military wife's and see if there is a support group on base that can help you and the children. If he is scarring you, get the divorce before he gets home and try to see if you can get re-married after he goes through a program and gets help. Follow your head on this one. Do your best to keep your heart out of it. If he is in the war, you cannot imagine what kind of hell he has seen. God Bless

Answer 7

if he really wants a divorce there is not much you can do about it i know you don't want to give up on your family but it sounds like he has already made that decision for you both. now its time to think about your future you have to go back to school and get a job and be prepared to raise your children you deserve a life to you know sit down take a deep breath and come up with a plan for you and your childrens future without him as your husband because it sounds like you have little choice in the matter i wish you the best

Answer 8

It sounds like a class A affair in full bloom. try marriagebuilders.com for a list of all the signs you are experiencing and the steps you need to take if you want to try to save your marriage.

Answer 9

If he really wants a divorce - eventually it'll happen; sorry. From what you wrote, sounds like you're beating your head against a brick wall and wasting your time.

Answer 10

Well from what i read it seems to be a one sided storie...I mean..He's soldier doing a very noble dutie and your smashing him while he is on his tour of dutie.You may have marriage problems but not too the point were it's all his fault.You ever look at yourself.Maybe the problem is you dont relize you have problems too,and you point fingers.Like i siad,I try to make since of all the problems(questions) on this website but this one seems onesided.You seem to perfect to me