Is this a good paper?/ plz read the whole thing!!! its important!! im sendin it to a newsepaper!?

Question

Dear Burlington County Times Newpaper,

This is about lunches in the Florence Twp. Middle School. We are seventh graders in Florence who are against lunch in school. We made a petiton against lunch that said the following:

"Lunches need to be different in the school. They are cold, sometimes green, and extremely revolting. Teachers, honestly, would you eat these lunches in school? Something needs to be changed. Does the school really follow the "safety lunch" paper on the door? I don't think so. Not only this, but students aren't allowed to sit next to their friends. If they do, they get a two week sit on the bleachers. Alone. Not aloud to talk to anyone else, for twenty-seven minutes. Twenty-seven minutes? Other schools get the whole 45 minutes and sometimes are aloud to eat outside with their friends. This is unfair.
Here are some adjustments you should consider making:

Hold on!!!! dont answer yet!

1. Allso lunch to be 45 minutes. No one can eat that fast and by the time the last table get their lunch, there is five minutes left to eat. Wo can eat in five minutes?
2. Better lunches. Hot, fresh, and not leftovers.
3. Students should be aloud to sit with their friends. Why can't they? Fights will start? It will be too loud? Fights start because kids have to sit next to people they perfer not to sit nexy to. The lunch room is already as loud as it gets. Teachers like sitting next to their friends, right?
4. Listen to these students, sometimes they know better than you do.
These students all agree to the statements listed above."

In total, we have got 119 signitures. Many students did not want to sign because they felt they would get in trouble. Students also earsed their names from the petition after a teacher told the class the following. "I know about the petition and I just want to let you all know that students did this last

that students did this last year and it caused alot of trouble for them. Be sure you know what your doing." Students aren't standing up for themselves anymore. Even in the sixth grade some students passed around a petition. My sixth grade friend told me the following: "Every time we start a petition against the lunches, the teachers tear it up and through it out. My friend was caught signing it and she stuck it in her bra. The teacher said to give it to her or else she was going to get it her self."
That is wrong; a teacher was going to grab a petition out of a girl's bra!?
Every time we try to talk to the principal she says that she is too busy to talk right now. When she schedules us an appointment with her, she never has the time to talk to us.
This proves my point and we hope that you consider putting this information into the Burlington County Times Newspaper to inform the community what is goin on in our school.

I ALREADY WENT TO THE NEWSPAPER THEY DIDNT CARE TWO HOOTS EXCEPT FOR THE BUDGET

I ALREADY WENT TO THE NEWSPAPER THEY DIDNT CARE TWO HOOTS EXCEPT FOR THE BUDGET sry

Answer 1

Hi! Okay, I love to write and edit pieces, so I'll try to help you out here.

First of all, your introduction isn't very strong. It gets to the point, but "This is about lunches" as a beginning sentence is not strong. Try something more along the lines of "Florence Twp. Middle School may not seem like a middle school with problems, but there students like me have found issues with the way our lunch is arranged." This way, you are introducing it more cleverly and you have more detail.

Next, your sentence "This is unfair" is, well, less than impressive. It makes you sound kind of immature and juvenile. It may remind readers of little kids who go "THAT'S NO FAIR!", you know? No offense. Instead of saying "this is unfair," prove it. Or, make it sound more professional, like "Students feel that this is unfair." Also, with the "Other schools get the whole 45 minutes" part, you need evidence of this, too. Find out the names of other schools near you who get the 45 minutes; otherwise, people may not believe you.

Thirdly, your list of suggestions has good points, but it's not organized very well. For example, "Better lunches." EVERYTHING in your piece should be a complete sentence. Double-check to make sure every sentence is complete.

Finally, the part about the girl and her bra and how it's wrong for the teacher to try and get it: It is completely unrelated. It's interesting and all, but it is not relevant to the piece. This is not an article on teachers and bras. It's about lunch. Stay on topic.

I hope I helped. You have a good piece with some valid points, it just needed some revisions. For more feedback, I strongly suggest that you have someone else who specializes in writing [I'd say an English teacher but I don't know if she'd appriciate it, since you talk about how the teachers are kind of mean.] I hope your lunch problem gets solved, and good luck with the newspaper! =]

Answer 2

It is very well written. If you want a newspaper to print it though I would concentrate on the part about students getting into trouble for signing a petition. Then, if the newspaper wants to print the petition, that will get your point across about the lunch too. Many people will not take the time to read things if they are too long, so shorten it a little.

You are doing a good job. You have a future as a writer.

Answer 3

You have many spelling and grammar errors. Your use of aloud should be allowed. More appropriate than the newspaper the students should go to the school board and perhaps attend their next meeting. Be professional, courteous and respectful. And go prepared.

If you want to continue with the newspaper, invite a reporter to come eat with you so he/she can experience it first hand.

Answer 4

i have really heard from some my acquaintances that've gotten them that acquiring a chest piece tattoo is the worst soreness ever. i'm not particular no matter if it really is besides the indisputable fact that, they could merely me overly dramatic lol.

Answer 5

with enough support, that's a hell of a great petition and one heck of a letter to send to the paper.

Best of luck!!!

Answer 6

man, I totally agree- w/ u