It's Called I'll Be...........and plz be nice [lol]
"I'll be the demons you cannot conquer,
The glimpse of sorrow you cannot escape,
I'll be the rain stripping you to the bone,
The burning anger you wish was gone,
I'll be the reason you hate everything you own,
The nightmare haunting you till dawn,
I'll be the one feeding on your fear,
The night holding you ever so near,
I'll be the poison running through your veins,
The thought torturing your brain,
I'll be the pain you cling to survive,
The blank soul you cannot revive,
I'll be the numbness taking over,
The fire underneath to your ears like thunder,
I'll be the wish of death you hold onto,
A dream you wish you can get to."
2007-04-27 08:09:16 · 22 answers · asked by Noosha 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Music
Girl, it is intense. You have good rhyme, and I love the metaphors. If you want the reader to feel anguish and pain and a strong sensce of revange, you got it.
2007-04-27 08:17:14 · answer #1 · answered by Kuanta 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Relatively well written drivel. I suspect the author is a young person, definitely not very experienced.
Consider the last line, why does anyone wish to get to the "dream" as described? The "I'll be" character appears to be a surrogate for evil or the devil, or possibly fear and self doubt - in any case its not a pleasant character and nothing is presented to suggest why anyone would desire to get to such a dream.
On the upside, there is a rhythmic style that is pleasing and a fair amount of emotion. With some thought as to the ambition of the work, and reconsideration of the massive contradiction in the last two lines that renders the current iteration incomprehensible, this is a good beginning.
2007-04-27 08:24:51 · answer #2 · answered by Halcyon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is very dark and disturbing. You seem as though you are angry about something. This is not uplifting but depressing and kinda on the demonic side. I would like to hear a song that is uplifting. It was well thought of and you expressed yourself clearly. Come from the dark side in to the marvelous light.
Be blessed
Biggurl
2007-04-27 08:15:58 · answer #3 · answered by biggurl 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is often unhappy once you adore somebody and that they do no longer return the sensation. feels like your unhappy. no longer rather a poem, greater purely your easy thoughts. Kick him the place it counts and chuckle and factor at him jointly as he's on the floor. that provide you some thing new to jot down approximately.
2016-10-04 00:15:54 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not really my style. But if I were into having my skin peeled off and being terrorized for life, I think I would really like it. Rock on with your bad self.
2007-04-27 08:17:09 · answer #5 · answered by hutmikttmuk 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think if it was a poem it rocke3d my socks but if it is like supose to be a song which i dont think it needs work and you need to add the beat
2007-04-27 08:12:25 · answer #6 · answered by Ronnie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
eh,its a little dark.its ok. not great but keep on writing if it feels good,even if some people dont agree
2007-04-27 08:13:55 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
ok I'm playing my guitar and poping your poem into a song... its awesome -- I'm plaing A minor then C it's kinda dark sounding... awesome
2007-04-27 08:18:25 · answer #8 · answered by b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you got talent. sounds like you went thru a rough relationship and this guy was a loser.
2007-04-27 08:12:00 · answer #9 · answered by *Lovely Phoenix* 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good, dark, but none the less good.
2007-04-27 08:17:20 · answer #10 · answered by a_k 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋