Will my husband ever change?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 1 year and a half. When it is good, it is great but when it is bad, it is. He abuses me physically, mentally, emotionally, economically, and I have repeated giving him chance and chance. The last time, I actually left. Now he is in counseling, anger management and he claims to be getting better, will it? I am scared for my life.

Answer 1

Let me just tell you something. My best friend in the whole world for like the last 10 years was in a BAD relationship. The guy was really nice in the beginning, and he was so smart, he was popular in school. He treated her well. After a few months, he began abusing her. They were together for 3 years. They ended up having a baby together, and once the baby was born, he got worse. He would even force her to have sex with him. He had to go to anger management, and couseling...he's spent 6 months in jail 2 different times because of what he's done to her. They've been broken up for about 3 and a half years, and he just got out of jail after 6 months for getting drunk and breaking into her apartment in the middle of the night. He was just standing in her bedroom when she woke up in the middle of the night, just watching her sleep. He could have done ANYTHING to her right then, but their child was in the bed with her, so luckily he didn't. I'm scared for her life. I think he'll never change, hello...they haven't been together in 3 and a half years, and he broke into her apartment to watch her sleep. She fears for hers and her son's life every single day. He will NEVER change, not with anger management, not with couseling, not with jail, not with anything. You should have left him the very first time he laid a finger on you. Don't give him any more chances to do anything to you. It usually gets worse with time, not better. Get out now!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!! You never know what COULD happen. And, if you wait too long, it could be too late! You didn't say anything about having a child with him, so if you don't, you really should get out of this situation before a child is born, and then the child has to go through that too. You should see what it's done to my friend's son. If you could know her whole story, it would make you see that you can't risk your life anymore. No guys is worth that. And if he was a real man, and if he cared about you at all, he would have never abused you in ANY way, at all. I'm 24, I've been with my husband since I was 17, we've been married for about a year and a half, and he's never once put me down, or tried to hit me, or push me or anything. I've seen so many of my friends go through that in their relationships. It's not a good thing, and it never changes, it never gets better. It only gets worse. You deserve so much better in life. Once you find the right guy, you'll see everything so differently, and you'll see how a relationship should be. Good luck to you! I hope you're safe!

Answer 2

It will be a tough journey because your giving him chance after chance was reinforcing - no matter what you may say - that his behaviour is acceptable.

He didn't start to change until you showed him the behaviour was unacceptable by leaving.

How you respond is more important then what either of you say.

That said, if you are afraid for your life, I'd stay away from him. Even if you think its _probable_ that things are improved, you don't put your life at risk.

I don't have an easy answer. If you believe he is making a genuine effort, if you both love each other, but given your last sentance, I think you should live apart and go on 'dates' together. Maintain a connection, maintain a level of intimacy, but keep it in a way that you feel safe until he's demonstrated more progress and you feel safer with him all the time.

Answer 3

The only way he will change is if he WANTS to change. Are the counseling and anger management classes court ordered? If so, I seriously doubt he will change.

If he sought out the help on jis own, that is an indication that he knows he fouled up and actually wants to change.

My advice is this: Go along with it, for now. The moment he starts to get abusive again, leave and file divorce papers. No one (men or women) should EVER have to live in a home full of abuse, be it physical, emotional, mental, or otherwise.

Good luck

Answer 4

You haven't been married very long, so it would be a lot easier to leave now than in say 10 years. I've had several bad relationships before I got married and some of the guys were abusive. They never change!!! Believe it. You can't change someone. You say "I'm scared for my life". That right there should tell you what you need to do. Think of yourself! You come first. I understand you want him to be better and be nicer to you, but it's not going to happen. Bad marriages happen. Luckily we have a thing called divorce now a days. Take your stuff and leave. Take this as a learning experience and do better next time.
All the best!

Answer 5

I am so sorry about what happened to you, but I am proud of you for standing up and leaving him. It sounds to me that he is trying to get help, but generally people do not change. I wouldn't advise getting back with him right away if that is the choice you make. I would wait until he completes counseling and anger management and see where he is mentally. This is not going to be an easy road for him because he is going to have to dig into some stuff in his past to overcome this and I suspect that it is ugly stuff. If he is in counseling for less than six months, then don't go back. If he goes for a while, the minute that you see the slightest slip from him-RUN-FAST. Do not live with him for a while, do not have sex with him, just talking and maybe some coffee or lunch. Do this for about six months after he completes counseling, just to see how it goes.

Answer 6

It sounds like he is taking some solid steps to getting better. It is hard to know if you should give him another chance. People do change, I've changed a lot in my life. I come from an abused childhood, and have risen above it and not repeated the same mistakes. The most important thing to find the root cause of the abuse, and learn how to make changes that keep it from happening again. You are within your rights not to give him another chance, but it does sound like he is trying. Make sure he has found the cause of his abusive treatment before giving him another chance.

Answer 7

It is always best to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but not at your own expense. Maybe your husband can change, maybe he can't but in the mean time you should not be living with him and dealing with his abuse on a daily basis.
Many abusers simply do not know how to stop, they cannot become "better" all of the sudden. It took years for them to develop their behaviour patterns and it will take years if ever for them to change their ways.
I would not hope for any great, miraculous changes on the part of your husband. You need to worry about you're safety and well being before even considering him.
If possible find alternate living arrangements for yourself and do no continue living in fear for the hope that he will get better because chances are he will not.

Answer 8

How about going into couple's counseling? Also, why don't you go talk with a therapist yourself--sounds like you need some clarity in looking at how you behave and react. It would be nice to get someone else's take on how abusers are, whether they can really change, chances of abuse returning and escalating, etc. Life is too short to spend time with someone who genuinely behaves badly or dangerously. I hope you don't have any kids (yet). Good luck!

Answer 9

I've been there...with my ex...I gave him a chance...and he did it again 6 months later. He was verbally abusive and an alcoholic.
He said he would get AA meetings but, his attitude towards it didn't show any change. I wanted to be suportinve but he was sooo negative..I didn't even want to be his friend.

If your scared I wouldn't go back. If he gets help that is great, but honestly it's very hard to put yourself through that...the only way he can actually get better is if you really leave him...men have to go through these things in order to REALLY change. An action has to happen, not just words.
Good luck!

Answer 10

First, a joke: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: One, but it really has to want to change.
Your problem is obviously serious but the joke has some validity. Abusers usually blame the victim of their abuse: "You made me angry! If you hadn't said that, I wouldn't be angry!!"
If your husband does not recognize that he is fully, absolutely and 100% responsible for his anger, then he won't change. And your life (emotional, physical and materal) is at risk.
A cautionary note: DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS GUY FOR AT LEAST FIVE YEARS OR AFTER HE GROWS UP WHICHEVER IS LATER.
Most likely, he will improve with years of therapy. Literally years. But that does not mean that he will not continue to abuse you. It just means he will abuse you less. Go talk to a Rape Crisis person. Although you haven't been raped physically by him, you have been raped emotionally. They will be able to give you solid advice. Save yourself first, my dear.