Men ONLY - if this were you...what would you do? Serious replies only!!Need general male opinion here...?

Question

U R 48, 26 yr marriage ended and your 2yr long wait to have your divorce is here. U have no job as u were fired after u hurt your back. U have 2 kids - dghtr 28w/ gndsn has a house & man u like & son 21/lives with U, but has fiancee. Your cheating ex is getting the house in the divorce and U have to be out in 1 mo. U have found love again for 7mo.strong -she owns her home & U spend 75% of your time there & know you will marry someday. Each wants U to live with them. U searched high & low & an apartment would be $ wasted that u don't have. 90% of your personal stuff is going to your girlfriends, but U could help your daughter if U lived w/her temp. & U could help your son if you got an apartment with him? The kids Mom abandoned them & U feel if U do not help them, they will feel as though U abandoned them too. Your girl is patient & sweet, but U worry she will feel used & U want to be with her, but are worried about others reactions as it seems too soon to them. U R overwhelmed?????

Answer 1

Yes, I am, and to be honest, I am grateful not to be in your shoes!!

The only way you can figure this out, is to go with what your gut is telling you.

The problem I have are these: 1) your divorce has taken a long time in coming and you are just now looking for a new place to live (you had plenty of notice you would have to move out of the house---in the court papers filed); 2) If it were me, I would not be moving into a girlfriend's house as of yet (only 7 months and wht jump back into a married type of situation?); and 3) How do you get fired from a job if you got hurt while doing that job? (Or did you hurt your back off job?) if you were injured while on the job, the company cannot legally fire you. That is what worker's compensation is for. If you did get injured on the job and the company fired you, speak to an attorney about it.

If your son lives with you, is he moving in with his fiancee in a month? Yes, getting an apartment is awaste of money financially speaking, but you can help your kids in more ways than giving them money. Offer to babysit your granddaughter instead of having her go to daycare. In this way, your daughter will have a little more cash in her pocket, anyway.

To me, it fels like you are looking to "buy" your kids' love. If you have been there for them after your ex left, you have helped them in more ways than money ever will. You have been a "parent". That speaks volumes.

I don't know your relationship with your g/f. Yes, it would be convenient to move into her house (especially if you are talking marriage already). If it is what you and your g/f want, then move in with her. Your kids are old enough to know that you have to live your life, as well, and just because you are going to live with your g/f, that does not mean you are abandoning your kids.

I wish you the best.

Answer 2

The only real question seems to be whether to live with the new gf or the son.

Its likely the son would prefer to be on his own, and the father would prefer to be with his gf.

Hmm.

Maybe the father and son can technically live together, but it would basically be the son's place, though the father could crash there and keep some stuff there, and pay part, though probably less then half of the rent. That way he's supporting the son, and still has a place to live other then his gf's. They've only been together 7 months, its not a bad idea for the dad to have some place he can go if things go sour suddenly. The son needs to realize that his father does have the right to just show up and sleep there sometime, but if all goes well won't very often. From the gf's perspective, the father is maintaining a place of his own, so they're not 100% moved in together, they can go a little slower, but not spending a ton of money on it, which seems a good compromise.

Answer 3

I believe a marriage can be monogamous and happy and fulfilling and passionate and satisfying. My husband and I are proof and I know many, many couples who are still happily married after 15 or 20 yrs. of marriage. Of course unless they are lying through their teeth! And you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors do you? You can't categorize all men and women as all wanting one thing. I know women who have had a good man and cheated on him. And you can't say all men want variety and will only be happy if they get it. Not all men are the same, just as not all women are the same. If you are not going to be happy with one person for the rest of your life, then don't get married!! It's really pretty simple! Yes, the institution of marriage is working for a lot of people. Yes, it means till death do we part forsaking all others. Yes, it includes sexually!!!!Yes, it is reasonable! If you don't agree with this, DON'T GET MARRIED!!! If you are already in a marriage, and you are just bored sexually, and the person is a good loving person who is worth fighting for, then don't give up!! Don't cheat on this person! Give the marriage a fighting chance. Go to counseling. Sit down and talk it out. Spice up the sex life by talking about what you want and what is missing. Do something you've never done. Go away together. There are so many things to do to spice up the sex life.Make an honest effort before you throw the marriage away. If you are bound and determined to move on then give your spouse the decency of letting him know. Let the spouse keep his dignity. Don't go and cheat and embarrass him. End it first, then move on.

Answer 4

At 48, what chance happiness will come along ? Your kids may be just being asking you to live with them to be extra supportive. They probably would be happy enough if you do move in with them, but they have their own lives now. You do not want to become a long term burden. Go with the girlfriend. If that doesn't work out, maybe look to the kids then.
And that abusive dude is right. I know you had to use it to fit all the words in, but abbreviated text is for teenagers.

Answer 5

After 26 years of marriage, I find it hard to believe that you have gotten emotionally healthy within 17 months to have found love and be ready to marry again. I would keep my stuff, get an apartment be available for your kids, and get stable emotionally and financially before marrying again. I know what it is like when BOOM! you find the love of your life and want to rush ahead "balls to the walls" but what is too soon is the period between the divorce and the new love. Take your time. Get healthy and stable, then move forward. Best of luck!

Answer 6

The upside, your new girl knows what she is getting into.
Congrats to any woman who would deal or put up with all the baggage you are bringing to the table.
If you truly believe that marriage is where you are going then sit down with her & talk out your feelings. Get your life in order with new girl first. This is your future.
Honestly now. Your kids are old enough to look out for themselves. 28yrs old with child & 21w/fiancee give me a break. Do you plan to support her too.
If one is mature enough for kids & bf & the other for marriage, then they can look after themselves.
These adults aren't abandoned. Mother has cut the cord, maybe time for you too
We can't be all to everyone, all the time as much as we would like to be.

If you had tons of money you could help them, but then you wouldn't be overwhelmed would you?

Answer 7

Your kids are old enough to take care of themselves. You just need to be there for them emotionally now. If you have a good relationship with your girlfriend and she wants you to move in, then do so. Its time you get YOUR life back on track and it sounds like she will be a big help. Good luck and keep your head up!!

Answer 8

You can help your kids even if you are not living with them. They are of the age where they would be living on thier own anyway. Make them aware of what your decision is and that you are there for them if they need you. It's your life and each must live there own life. In the end your kids will be fine and you need to be happy and stable in case they need you. Live with your new girl.

Answer 9

Hard as it may seem, your children are both grown, one has a family of her own and looks like one is about to have his own. Both should be making their own way now and can not make you feel like you have to keep supporting and taking care of them now. You need to move in with girlfriend and get back on your feet, get to work and then you can help them when and where you can.

Answer 10

I dont know why you said men only not being rude but how many of them have given you a good answer. at least some of the women could have tried!
your lady seems like a gem! so if you talk to her i think if shes as good as you say she'll support you either way!
your daughter you said has a man and kids and you dont need to live with her to help her...
your son, this is tricky, it depends, if you have some money that but think its a waste for you to get apart, maybe help toward his, not fully but a bit to help him, he needs to be one his feet at some stage and has fiancee so really not good for them to live with you at the start of their relationship.
If the kids feel their mother abandonned them, and you know this they prolly arent thinking this of you. You sound like a good dad, so dont doubt their respect and feelings for you.
Do what you feel you need to do, because ultimately it is you that has to live with it.
Your kids are grown up, so you can all work it out, you dont need to baby them to love and support them!