How do I tell my mother I want to marry a felon?

Question

My fiance is presently incarcerated and soon to be released on parole. He is a non-violent offender and served 6 years. We want to get married right away to lessen his parole time and so he can move to Missouri where I live now.

My mother is the problem, I don't thin kshe will be real receptive to any of this. And she doesn't take me serious about marriage because I have been engaged three other times that didn't work out. How do I tell her and get her to take me seriously about wanting to marry this man with a criminal record?

Question #2. I have met his mother once (years ago). I want to take her out to dinner and get to know her...is this a good idea? She has seen a picture of me and she knows her son wants to marry me. Should I make the first step or want for my fiance to do the introductions?

WOW....Good stuff! Maybe a little more info would help. I have known him for 17 years. Yes, he is a good man!
My father is a felon and he has never returned to that life. As a matter of fact, my father is a great salseman and has secured a great retirement and now lives in the suburbs and is enjoying life.
The plan is to get married after he gets his bachelors degree and then we are both applying to law school, so we can go together. He is a very intelligent man who got caught up in fast money because he wanted to give the world to his then girlfriend. He is not with anymore becuase that was all she wanted. I have two degrees, working on my third and I don't need him to give me anything but love. I make enough for him to be a stay at home dad...but he doesn't that.
I just need help with telling my mother and meeting his!!!!!

And....The parole board looks at everything when they consider letting you off....especially if you get married, go to school and are trying to make a change. The prison counselors told us that. Yes, I write to the counselors and the prison ministry as well.

Answer 1

My mother wasn't all that happy when she found out the man I wanted to marry was a felon either. She kind of gave me a look, followed by one of those "talks". I just told her how deep my feelings went and described the feelings I was having for this man and asked her if I didn't at least need to find out where these feelings were going to go before I just "disqualified" him as a mate. She started to see my point and backed off a little. She was still apprehensive though. It wasn't until he proposed and I accepted (a year later) that she just asked me " Are you sure you want to marry this man?" I said yes, I was sure and all she said was "Well, then I guess we have a wedding to plan." That was it. And she has never asked me anything else about it again. Just be honest with your mother and let her know that you are serious. Who cares if she doesnt take you seriously....she will eventually when you start to plan your wedding. My mother suprised me by playing it so cool, and you never know, maybe yours will too.

As for question 2, when my husband was in prison he asked me to call his mother once in a while to just check on her and make sure she was ok. So we developed a routine and called each other often. (she lived five hours away so I couldnt take her to dinner or anything). So if you feel weird about it, ask your fiance what he thinks. I'm sure he will be pleased you thought of it. Its always nice to get to know your future family before you actually become family. Good luck with everything and just remember it is your life and whatever you chose, i'm sure your mother will come around.

Answer 2

Heres a peek into your future if you marry this guy.

He starts out with a real intention of living a straight life and being a good husband to you. The first year or two are just great. Maybe you have a kid, maybe two of them.

After a while he becomes dissatisfied working a regular job like an average schmuck and starts associating with people from his old lifestyle. Pretty soon he is sucked back into that old lifestyle and gets locked up again, leaving you and the kids to fend for yourselves.

Do some research. The stats are readily available on the internet. Most paroled offenders will re-offend and go back to prison. They spend their lives alternating between incarceration and periods of freedom.

It isnt a pretty picture and I am sorry if I was too blunt about it but you need to really think this decision over. The wrong choice will have consequences for years to come.

Answer 3

I am a mother of a young woman. I would do everything and anything possible to stop her from doing this incredible mistake. This man may not be violent but if has been incarcerated for 6 years then he has done some pretty serious stuff. You have no idea how this guy is in real life. He has not held a job in 6 years. You know how hard it will be for him to make a living once he's out there? Prepare yourself for a long hard and miserable life supporting this man and his 101 little mischiefs to come.

Answer 4

Your mother isn't the problem, you are.
There isn't any hurry here, you have never known this man in a situation where you see him for any extended length of time, you want to give him the same time you would give to any other man when it comes to being familiar with him and his ways, not serve as his 'get-off-parole-early" card. What a man writes isn't the same as what he says and does, for that matter, he could be as sweet as pie and still for some unknown reason not quite mesh with you in person. When you fall in love with a prisoner, you fall in love with a fantasy figure, one who lives best in your imagination, where he says and does everything you want him to. Real life is different, he will have problems getting a job, are you ready to be the breadwinner? Take your time on this, you can always get married once you are sure you like him as well on the outside and you did when he was inside.
#2 Take him mom out to lunch, and get her to open up about him, its always good to know how a man got to be as he is, and you should know what kind of mom in law and maybe future grandma you could be getting.

Answer 5

First of all Mother's know all, they just do, it is almost creepy, I will disagree with my Mother about my life choices and in time she always ends up right. So if your Mom has an intuition going on, you may want to try to listen to her. Being engaged 3 times is very impulsive and she may think you are again being to quick, sounds like she is right to me. My advice to you is don't rush the marriage just so he can move and lessen his parole.

People should get married because of LOVE and that is it. If you are in love and want to be together forever why RUSH, stay engaged get to know him again, if he has been incarcerated for 6 years, you both may have changed.

As far as getting to know his Mom, sounds like both are good plans, take her to dinner so you too can get to know each other.

Answer 6

What in the world are you doing? I've got no answer to your other questions, honey, cause those are not that important considering the fact that you are hooking with a felon. What kind of future can you expect to have? I hope he gets a job. Then there's the baby issue. Are you planning on children by this loser? Maybe you should have married one of the other guys instead of breaking up with them. Non-violent offender? What does it matter? He served six years and it had to be serious enough to get six years in the slammer.

Answer 7

No matter how you tell her, she (like MOST parents) is likely not going to happy to hear that her child is marrying a felon.

But my question is WHO told you that getting married will lessen his parole time? That's the first I've heard of that. I was not aware that the state rewarded ex-cons in this manner for getting married.

Answer 8

Jerry Springer has to get his guests from somewhere I guess.

Does it really matter how you tell her? She is always going to be concerned for you and finding out you are going to marry a man when he gets out of prison who has no job and only a small chance at a successful future; I'm sure she'll be thrilled and excited for you.

Do you really know this guy or has the relationship taken place entirely with him in prison?

Answer 9

How did you two meet?? You need to tell her the truth. Be very careful. I was in your same shoes back in 2000 and my parents were 100% right about him. Those people are slick con artists and never change. A lot of the times, these men have no place to go and start writing to ANYONE. Be very careful.

Answer 10

you are treading through very very muddy water here.. and let me tell you why, I was once married to a man who had a wonderful job we were young and he made very very good money.I started to embezzle from this company and was put in jail for 1 year he got out and on parole started doing drugs went back and forth to rehab eventually missed his probation needless to say 3 years later he went back to prison he did another 8 months out on good behavior. now 5 years later back back on drugs stole 3,000 from his parents credit card and pawned all their valubale coins to a pawn shop..this time the parents have to put a warrant out to retrieve the stolen coind from the pawn shop now this guy faces life in prison 3 strike you are out 25 years is what he is facing..Of course i divorced him after the first incident.and thank God i did now think to yourself do you want to live a life like this a destuctive life with no stability if it can happen to me it could very well happen you..and your mother will only be trying to protectt you from potential problems. I suggest engagement maybe for a year to see how he behaves otherwise you may just be another statitic to the divorce rate..Good luck!