I have a fear of people with certain names...?

Question

I've had many bad experiences in my past. I was raped by a boy named Shane. Now everytime I come into contact with a person called 'Shane' I become withdrawn and scared.

Even though I've never met this person, I become prejudice purely on their name.

How can I stop this? It's unfair for all those innocent people named Shane.

Answer 1

In the first place I think your wounds need to heal. You might (not must, it's up to you) need some professional help for that, It might help you to deal with this horrible thing you have been gone through!! A rape is one of the most horrible and damaging things a person can experience.

Second, you need to get better associations with the name.
I know exactly what you mean, from experience. I was raped when I was 16, now 20 years ago. It happened in Amsterdam by a guy called Willem.
It took me quite a while to get over the names of Amsterdam and Willem!
Then, I met my current husband. His brothers name was Willem. At first that shocked me, because it gave me only bad feelings. It reminded me too much of the rape.
But, getting used to him and finding out he was a very nice guy, slowly my association with the name Willem got better. Now, when I hear the name, I think of his brother or other Willems I know who are nice.
The same for Amsterdam.
At first I couldn't hear the word, and I definitely could not go there. I changed that by visiting the place many times with my husband, and doing nice things when we where there. I replaced the negative association with good associations.

That really worked very well! It helped me to heal from it.
Trying to avoid the names (and what has happened to you!) does not make the wound go away. It might make the influence on your life even worse.

I wish you all the best!!

Answer 2

You are suffering from a specific symptom of PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is usually heard talked about in terms of war and battle, but is as (if not more) common in those who are raped or violently assaulted, among others.

Some have flashbacks (where they are awake but seem to be reliving the situation), some have nightmares, and others have various reactions such as the one you do...variations of which are people who have your experience when they smell a certain smell, or see a certain object that reminds them of th rape. So, first of all, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS; it is very common and easily treatable.

The way to treat it is to work through the problem. The easiest, fastest, and most effective way would be to work with a professional counselor. If you have health insurance (or live in a country with national healthcare), psychiatry and psychological therapy are usually covered. (It's scary to go in the first time, but once you start to recover, you are so glad you did and wonder why you ever put it off!) If the money is an issue, there are many hospitals and womens' health centers that can refer you to a rape counselor, which will be a good place to start (they usually work with people right after a rape, but they can be helpful to you, too, and possibly make some recommendations).

If a professional is not an option, then it gets trickier, but you can do this. My first recommendation would be a clergyman (or woman--but don't rule out a man off hand, working with the right man may actually help in restoring trust with men), but don't be afraid to move on to a new person if you don't feel comfortable with the person or their approach. If you feel uncomfortable with someone (beyond just the uncomfortability that comes with sharing your story) then you have the right to move along until you find someone you can work with for this process. In the absence of a clergyman, and if you are high-school or college aged, a trusted teacher can be someone worth talking to, but please choose carefully.

Finally, in the absence of any of these, or even in addition to, confide in a trusted friend--the kind who has always been a good listener and always seems to think well through a problem when a friend needs help...they can help you strategize and take the baby steps you need...no healing from something so traumatic can happen quickly.

Here's just a quick suggestion that may sound stupid, but it really works: find articles about good people named Shane, find books where characters named Shane are the heroes and protagonists, and read biographies of famous people in history named Shane--they don't all have to be angels, just not villains. Same with movies, DVDs, etc. This allows you to experience and "interact" with a wide variety of Shanes in the comfort of your home and without a man standing right in front of you. If you need to put the pages down, or stop the film for a while, that's OKAY, but force yourself to come back to it. The more "Shane"s who aren't bad people you read about and learn about and expose yourself to their life stories and personalities, the more demystified the name itself will become. It will start to remind you of a wide variety of people, not just this one person.

Good luck and my prayers and good thoughts are with you!

Answer 3

The fear instilled, by the name "Shane", is a function of the emotional wound, caused by the sexual assault you suffered. Each time you hear the name of your assailant, the unhealed emotional wound, you suffered, is re-injured.

You must heal this old emotional wound, in order not to have such an acute reaction to that name. You can start the healing, the de-energizing of this wound, by sharing what happened to you with your family. You are giving it energy, by virtue of not sharing what transpired, with those that are closest to you.

You might best accomplish this, by writing each of your parents a thoughtful and well-written letter. Once you mail or present these letters, I suspect you will get some instant relief. I am also confident, your family will rally around you, bringing all of you closer together.

Answer 4

Your reaction sounds the same as people having a bad experience with people and then focusing on a specific characteristic of that person, whether it be hair color, skin color, eye color, clothing, etc. You have focused on the name for some reason, which is a non-tangible characteristic of that person, suggesting to me that you didn't have a close relationship to him, as most people unconsciously remember physical characteristics of people that they're close to so that it's easier to recognize them.
Regardless, if you're still suffering from this incident, I would recommend that you seek the same counseling that anyone who has been raped has received, so that you can heal from what happened to you and put it in your past so that it no longer has any power over your present or your future.

Answer 5

You may have to go to therapy and have a professional help you because it is so deeply engrained in your subconscious.

I have the same issue you so, but I have a fear of men touching me and a fear of women having a secret hatred
of me based on my past and it's tough to get by.

Therapy has helped a lot because you recognize and acknowledge the whats and whys.

I also found a link that may help you.

Answer 6

wow I never come into contact with any Shanes and you do.
Interesting isn't it. Do you think this fear of yours keeps recreating these Shanes in your life? If you think so then you're correct, you are materializing your world around you by your thought processes. This is the power that will either imprison you or let you free. Control your mind

Answer 7

All people are not the same.I understand you, but try to go ahead, otherwise you ll destroy your future...
If they rob our house, what does it mean?That we dont have to go out again, because a thief is going to enter another time?
Darling, go ahead, think it was a bad moment...
Now you are getting married, dont let anything influence your life, throw away the nightmares, i m here as a sister for you, for anything youi need...

Answer 8

i know how that feels.i truly do... ='(

nothing will ever be fair to us anymore and that is the facts of life that we have to live in...not them

the name will not be the only thing that bothers us.it will be either about a certain t-shirt that they wear to how they smell...every shadows has shadows within them...our fears are endless...sadly ,the only way for it to stop is through time and counseling and support of family and friends...ONLY TIME WILL HEAL ALL PAIN...

for now ,there is no need to justify our words or actions to people whose names brings a certain fear...

give it time.the name will erase itself

Answer 9

i was raped by a family member ..and ended going to a church where the pastor had the same name.. dont press the issue of the name..moreso find ways to resolve the issue of being raped within yourself...

Answer 10

You might need to get help to get over the rape.