Do we pass on emotional scars that we haven't deal with to our children?

Answer 1

Most often, yes!
Emotional scars can cause a (self-) destructive pattern in our behavior. This pattern mostly comes from an old self-defense mechanism.

For example: You are emotionally scarred by the fact that you didn't get enough love as a child. For a self defense, you have learned to build a wall around you and you developed a pattern in which you 'don't need anyone'. Feeling love is too painful or too scary.
An other defence is to get as much love as possible, and you do everything for it (which can also lead to promiscuity).
With this unsolved, you have issues with giving and taking love. In the first case you are unable to give your children the love they need and to accept theirs. The children will need love but will not be able to feel it for instance. They will never have the feeling that they are loved by their parents themselves. They probably develop the same destructive pattern as their parent has.
In the second case you probably give them too much of everything. This can be material, like giving them too many presents, letting them eat whatever they want to, etcetera. Just so you can feel like a 'good parent'.
In the mean time they don't get what they really need. A responsible upbringing, learning to hear 'no', healthy food, etcetera.
Because the parent is not able to have a healthy relationship with the child, the child will face trouble in having a healthy relationship with others later on in life.

A very common and more innocent example:
Your mother was very afraid of spiders. She might had a fright of them once. Maybe someone has thrown one in her face when she was a child and she got the creeps from that. Even when she knew in her heart that they are not dangerous. She puts the fear on you, and you give the fear to your children.
Without knowing why you are afraid, you scream with the smallest spider you see.
(Much less innocent is this when it gets to xenophobia. The parent is afraid for people with a different skin color for some reason and projects it onto the child. The same of course for homophobia, etc. )

An other example:
You are afraid of accidents. Maybe something happened once, or you saw an accident, or you are very afraid to lose your children because of an other reason.
Your fear will be projected on them, if you are not aware of it. They might get the same fear, even if it is an irrational fear.

All emotional scars that are not dealt with can have a huge effect on children. It can easily go on to further generations, untill someone breaks the cycle and deals with it to get healed.

A last, and very heavy example:
Daddy was abused as a child. Because if that, he has lots of anger. He is not able to deal with that anger or even with the realisation that he has got a problem.
The anger he feels needs to get out, one way or an other. Because he never dealt with it, the anger comes out in ways that are very destructive. He might beat abuse his children physically or sexually. This way, he feels a short relieve for his tensions. But the frustration will become bigger, and so is the tension rising again.
Until he is doing something to deal with his past, he will either be destructive towards himself or to his environment. Probably to both.
Again, those scars can continue for generations.

Sorry for this long answer :)

Answer 2

I feel we do. As adults we have been through so much bullshit and been hurt so much, that we try to protect the innocent from the dreadful truth of life. In saying that... The dreadful truth of our own misfortunes. Because some people have led a very fortunate life and don't carry as much or alot of the emotional baggage some people have.

Answer 3

When I was born. Emotional pain along the way has always been the landmark to let me know I'm still going in the wrong direction.

Answer 4

That seems likely.

It seems by definition if you have emotional scars that you haven't dealt with that you are not healthy. If you are not healthy it stands to reason you wouldn't know how to not pass that on to your kids.

Answer 5

Short ansswer, 90% of the times yes.

Answer 6

unless you do not make the choice of doing the best and giving the best for your children.. but unresolved conflict, dreams, etc... can still be passed on to the children... ;-)

Answer 7

yes

Answer 8

I really hope not, but this is something that I fear...