I am marrid 3 years and I don't know how to help my husband anymore. I always tought that if I'm going to get married someone, is gonna by for life. I decide to marry my husbend after sad event and I tought that I can count on him always but our life had turn upside down after a year. My husband likes to get high and that start my problems. It become more often and than every day. We had our own bussines and after two years of marriage we had to close it. I tryed everything. I send him to rehab twice but that didn't help- maybe for a week. He did not work for 8 months and finally he got a job but didn't last for long and he got fired. Our bills are due but he still want money to get high. We started arguing a lot and I started to screem sometimes even trow staff tords him. I'm becoming violent and I hate that. What should I do? I tryed to help him but he likes his lifestyle and he pulling me down with him.Is it the time for divorce or should I still fight for it? I am so tired of it!
2007-04-26 17:39:38 · 17 answers · asked by betty 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds like by staying with him, you are enabling him to go ahead and get high. My parents were alcoholics and they would use any excuse against the other to give themselves the "greenlight" to get drunk. You, in return, are making yourself absolutely miserable. Make a list of the pros & cons of staying married to your husband. He's not going to quit because you want him to, or because you get mad and throw things. He will only be able to quit if he truly wants to stop, and nothing you can do is going to change that. At some point, you're going to have to decide when enough is enough.
2007-04-26 17:58:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide what is best for both of you. If you dont want to divorce get a legal seperation. That way you can be financially independent and any mistakes he continues to make you wont be responsible for. In the mean-time a seperation will give you the time you need to decide if you should end it or not. If you are up to it and can, find a rehab that lasts longer than the others did. Give him the final choice of getting clean or losing you. You may have to come to terms with the sad fact that sometimes addictions take years to break and for some they can't be broken. Its up to you if you have the energy to keep fighting for you marriage. Good luck.
2007-04-27 00:49:02 · answer #2 · answered by Harkins 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, sounds like you are in a co-dependent relationship. The only one who can decide whether or not he wants to work on your marriage, (and his own life!) for himself is your husband. He has to make his own decision to stop getting high; you can't make it for him. You can't change him and you can't control him. You can decide what you need to do for yourself, you don't mention children but I can tell you that divorce doesn't end it; children or no children, it simply starts another level of pain. I bet it's exhausting trying to be a wife and a husband, you are simply working too hard! You are trying to be responsible for yourself and him and literally that's impossible; you can't be two people!
You need counseling first; I recommend a Christian counselor one who is certified in counseling. Offer for your husband to go with you and also offer him a choice - not an ultimatum but a choice. "You are either in this marriage with me or you're not and I am no longer going to do it for you! I'm not going to try to make you do anything, I'm not wasting my time trying to change you, I've made an appointment for myself if you want to join me do so if not that's fine too!"
I have to tell you that when you decide to stop trying to make him be what you feel he needs to be he will do all that he can to get you involved again you must ask your counselor for ways to avoid going back to your old ways. For now you must take care of you; leaving your marriage at this point will mean you leaving with your heart unhealed and your hurt still going. You went into this marriage this way and obviously making these decisions from the same place is not where you want to be. Bottom line - get help for you! I'll be praying for you and your husband to be healed.
2007-04-27 00:59:27 · answer #3 · answered by Stephanie D 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well if you feel that its time to do it then do it! if he doesn't try to change, or if he just doesn't care if you're there or not after you get the separation from him then go ahead with the divorce. But if he checks himself in rehab with out you telling him to do it. Then that means that he loves you and he is doing that for you. Most of the time they have to hit rock bottom for them to realize that they want out of the drug that they are in. I think you should get a legal separation and a restraining order from him maybe it's his rock bottom.if not well you tried your best and that means he loves the drug more than you and you don't really want a man like that at your side especially if you have kids good luck!
2007-04-27 00:54:01 · answer #4 · answered by michoacana3 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out of there, girl. You are allowing him to bring you down to his level. You can't help someone that will not help themselves. Don't waste you life with with a person that is destroying his. You have put plenty of effort into trying to help him. There is no reason for you to feel guilty about leaving. That might be the thing that makes him realize how badly he needs to get his act together.
Good Luck in your new life. Don't let yourself be pulled into another relationship like that. You deserve much better!!
2007-04-27 00:52:35 · answer #5 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm a strong believer in marriage but this addiction of your husband means more to him than you do. You can't change that, he must want it for himself. Its time to give him some tough love. You must say to him "Its the drugs or your marriage" and if he chooses the drugs GET OUT.
His choices are effecting the way you live your life, your angry, violent, upset. Go to Al anon, or a similar organization for the partners of addicts, they can help you get direction back into your own life. You need to take care of you, he can't do it while under the control of drugs..
2007-04-27 00:50:11 · answer #6 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take this from a person that has been marries 3 times.
You will tear your heart and soul out trying to change a person that won't or doesn't want to change.
They may change for awhile but will always go back to thier same ways.
The fighting and screaming will just get worse as time goes on.
As hard as it is, I would tell you to start planing a future without him.
2007-04-27 01:47:27 · answer #7 · answered by hdpatch 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you decide to file for divorce let him know unless it would lead to him harming you. Let him know exactly what the consequence will be and stick to your guns.
As for rehab you are wasting your money, the only way he will change is if he wants to change and it doesn't sound like it.
Everyone deserves to be happy and do not waste your life with someone who will not give you what you need in this life.
But be honest with him and let him know if he doesn't change you have no choice but to move on without him. He will either choose you or he'll choose the drugs.
Good luck sweetie
2007-04-27 00:57:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would try at least one more time to sit him down and tell him to his face(high or not) how you feel about everything. I mean, what if you have children? Is he going to get high around them and not try to better himself? I would already be fed up and with no kids and a failed business, I would leave. Good luck.
2007-04-27 00:47:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you go to recovery crossroads, sign up and you will be able to chat with others in the 12 step cafe...some are addicts, some are like you, the loved one of an addict. GREAT SUPPORT and advice there! Good luck, I hope it all works out for both of you.
http://www.recoverycrossroads.com http://www.na.org/index.htm
2007-04-27 01:07:37 · answer #10 · answered by autumprncss 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋