Husband been acting strange, now asking for a divorce.. ??

Question

We've been together for almost 10 years, and have 2 kids. He's no fun anymore, no romance. I've gotten the distinct feeling in the past that he was cheating.

He is currently deployed, has been for 5 months.. i'm a stay at home mom with the kids..lately he's been talking about divorce... i don't know why?

Other than the fact that he's deployed (stressed out) I can't think of any reason he's WANT a divorce, i gotten the vibe from him suggesting that he was NOT ready for marriage... and even that he is unhappy being tied down.

He says he loes the kids & me, and that he'd hate to lose us. I think he's playing a very dangerous game..

He WAS hiding e-mails ect. from me and i even found out about a"Singles" website that he had been paying for.. before he was deployed.

I didn't WANT to grant him his request while he IS deployed.. but this is NOT the first time the subject had been brought up by him.

If he is TRULY unhappy then i would give in to his request, but i am by no means "Turning my back on him".. there's only SO much reassurance you can give someone..

I probably SHOULD have mentioned that he seems to use the "Divorce" subject to get ME to do what he wants me to do.. "Manipulation"..

Well, that's another issue entirely.. he DOES NOT call me OR the kids! His communication with us is diminishing..

IN ALL honestly, if i found out that he HAS cheated it will be the end or our marriage.. infidelity i cannot forgive.

Weakness or not, we took vows..

Our 9 year old daughter is Autistic, his re-enlistment was coming up and he asked me what i felt about it.

I told him i was against it, MOSTLY because our daughter takes him being away harder than most kids.. BECAUSE of her diability.

He went and re-enlisted AGAINST my wishes, & that was a pretty hard blow to me..

My husband is full time Army. The first place we were stationed in was Germany (that was when i first suspected he was cheating)

He would go out to bars/clubs ect. & stay out all hours, and refused to let me have a girls night out because "Of the guys that'd try to pick me up".. he said he knew from exp.

Even one of his friends tried to tell me he was doing wrong, though he didn't just out & tell me.. i'm a little niave so i totally didn't get what he was trying to tell me. (one of my friends was there & she took me aside and said he was trying to tell me he was..)

Later he DID say some woman was sitting on my husbands lap making out with him.. but since he just denied it.. ??

There is more than just the previous tho. He got me pregnant when i was 17, i decided to keep the baby (my daughter) against what everyone else thought i should do. I never finished school, i stayed home and raised our daughter.. he continued HIS career.

Now that our daughter & son are older i want to go back to school, & he thinks i'm walking out on him because i want to better myself & NOT be dependant on him.

He's refusing to let me do this, threatening divorce.. it's not fair to me. I waited almost 10 years, so that HE could get HIS education.. while i raised the kids.

He can't seem to do the same for me NOW, it seems he WANTS to keep the control he has over me.. i can't have this kind of marriage.

I've asked in the past if he'd go to Marriage Counseling with me, he refused.. he said everyone would think he was nuts or something. Making excuses.

I'm SURE no one would think badly of him for trying to save his marriage (IF he wanted to, it looks like he doesn't.

O.k. so today i found out about this girl Nicole that lives near us, she just graduated high school.. and she is the only person that my husband has on his myspace account (even before me.. recently)

He'd deleted his old account, has NO pictures of any of us (including the kids) on his MySpace page.. and with the asking of the divorce it makes a wife wonder..

He also won't tell me who she is, when i;'d asked him. (not that i expected the truth.. but it'd be nice)

Answer 1

he's either:

bored

cheating on you

going through a mid-life crisis

or maybe this war (if he's deployed in the middle east) is giving him some mental problems.

Answer 2

Wow. War is so hard on everyone. It sounds like your h is cheating, or has cheated. If, in fact, he had an ad on a singles website before he was deployed, whether he got any response is irrelevant - just running the ad is cheating. In other words, you don't put yourself out there if you don't intend to be picked up. A committed man (or woman) doesn't do that, and guess what - most of the men would agree that it's off limits - you don't do that if you are in a committed relationship or married. If you run an online ad, plain and simple, you are NOT committed.

I am against getting a divorce while someone is deployed but in my opinion you should strengthen your financial position, get some job training, get a job and do all you can to NOT be dependent on him, financially. Then you will be better prepared when and if the "big D" happens.

Other than that.... try to delay any decision about a divorce until he is back home - then see.

Bottom line, he will do what he wants and you can't change it. So take care of YOU.

I hate war.......... let's pray it's over soon.

Answer 3

You told a life time story, and really answered your own question. I believe that the marriage is worth saving, but without his cooperation it is doomed. I would insist on the counseling, and if he doesn't work with you, then file for divorce, you will get his attention, as he will pay through the nose for the next ten to twelve years and afterwords as you can get alimony. It will probably mean that he will want to work things out, however, it may mean that he will do what you are fearful of behind your back. I don't want to stereotype the military, but anytime men and women are apart for months at a time, infidelity often happens. Since you are the stronger one of the two of you, it means that he may be unfaithful and then you would be right back it the same situation, as you would divorce him for sure. Your marriage, according to statistics had about a twenty percent success rate to last this long and even less to last until one of you dies. You should go ahead and prepare for a career as you aren't to old and your children will be grown by the time you are about forty or so, and you will have the rest of your life. Also, remember that there is someone else out there for you, just as it is for him. Keep your chin up and get the issue settled as soon as you can. Time tends to heal everything.

Answer 4

Honey, have you talked to other military wives who's husbands are deployed? Did you live on base or was he a reservist where he was gone a weekend a month and then two weeks at a time? The only reason I ask is because I married a marine. We traveled, we lived on bases all over and I came to realize something in 18 years of marriage. Men who live on base with their families are more in tune with reality and they are very family orientated. The reservists? Not so much. Those weekends are party weekends, I've seen things go on that I cringe when we have gatherings and I have to face the spouses knowing what that person had been doing the weekend before. And once they've been deployed, things really change. It's not a manipulation tactic. They truly are unsure of what they want. One minute they are greatful you are at their bec and call and the next, they are driving you away. And out of the many reservists I know, those that pulled this crap were cheating and using their home life as a sense of security if things didn't work out. My husband served in Desert Storm and I although he's not involved in operation Iraqi freedom, many of his friends are. Truth be told, most of them are also divorced because of this. War changes people. When they are there, that is their life. You find out they don't need you until they REALLY need you. And I understand not wanting to give up and how you struggle with wanting to support him while he's over there, but sweetie, at one point you have to ask yourself at what cost does this come? Your life? your identity? Your happiness?

And please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying every man is like this in the military, nor am I saying divorce your husband. I'm simply telling you what goes on that isn't spoken about to let you know it's time to start asking him the hard questions that are running through your mind. You deserve to know one way or another. You can't be strung along for another ten years in a lifeless/loveless marriage. It's not healthy for you and it's not good for the kids to be raised thinking it's normal.

Answer 5

There are many factors that can be playing on your husband's actions. He may have felt trapped into marriage and since he is now in a combat life & death situation, he is probably looking back on all the things he feels he missed by being married. War has a big impact on how a person deals with life. I would wait it out until he comes back. In the meantime, let him know that you ARE going back to school to improve yourself and hopefully, be able to help the two of you create a better life in the future. While he is gone is a great time to go back to school. Then, if things don't work out, you will at least have some education so you can get a better job to support yourself and the children. If they do work out, you will still feel better about yourself. Good luck!

Answer 6

I see he's a really sneaky guy so what I say u should do is>> Be sneaky back but in a good way that's beneficial for you and your kids in the long run. I see you have a Computer, why not put it to good use! get your self some education, heck you can get on-line diplomas and degree's and you can do it all with out even changing your behavior and patterns, this guy is a control freak, and he wants you to be totally dependent on him. so do that or at least pretend to be doing it until you get your ducks in a row and are in a position to take care of you and the babies, sounds as if he is rarely ever home, so this is perfect use him to get over him, once you get your degree he should also be out of your system, stop nagging him, let he do him,, while you do you.. in the long run, you will at least leave this relationship with certainty that you can make it. and also you will have your dignity,
I hope this helps, don't waste anymore time, but at the same time don't be hasty and leave if he takes care of you bite the hand that feeds you after u get full,, if you get my meaning..

Answer 7

How long has he been deployed and when did you find out about the singles web site? Seems to me you've gotten some good advice here. Stop being a stay at home mom and get a job, you are going to need to be putting away money. Once this comes to a head you are going to need something to fall back on and a job is a great place to start.

This happened to me though my husband wasn't in the military. It sure felt good to be able to think for myself and not be manipulated anymore. The kids suffer more than you think, don't put them through anymore.

Answer 8

Honestly honey, Military life is very, very very stressful on a marriage. I am speaking from experience. When a man or woman joins the military....it opens them up to all kinds of new Meat....to put it bluntly....getting attention from other women all the time can seem very tempting to him.....And it may have nothing at all to do with you. Or you being a good wife or not. And then being deployed makes it even harder! Because you are away from your family responsibilities.....it's almost like being single again when your away from your family....and there are so many temptations on a deployment....boy let me tell ya! He may just be bored with you right now....I know it hurts to hear.......just ride this out...and see where it goes. Once he See's that the grass isn't always greener on the other side....he may come back around.....but you must be patient with him!

Answer 9

i am so sorry for you, and i think that your husband is a very ungrateful typical guy!
i am also a military wife and it is very hard.
so you mean that you have been by his side through deployments and have had 2kids with this man and this is how he repays you?
why has there not been any romance? i think that with a deployment, coming back each time would make you two closer every time. at least that is how it is for me and mu loving husband.
i bet you that he is cheating 100% and probably with someone in his platoon. those girls are h***.
why dont you try and get to the bottom of it when he calls you? i mean for him to be saying what he is, that is wrong especially with you being by his side.
10 years is a long time and for him to just throw it all away? something else has to be up... how can you really not know?

Answer 10

Sorry to say but he is cheating on you. I don't care if he deployed how ever many times and he says whatever he says to you. It's time to get a lawyer. I totally agree with Mrs.Saenz. I don't care if he is stressed or not. The things that he is doing is uncalled for. He can be man about it and tell you what is wrong with him. He not a child. That's ten years of your life that is wasted for some one to act that like that. If anything he should be coming home being with his family. Don't stay in something that you are not going to be happy in. Sometimes God show you things that you need to see to let you know something is not right. There is alot of red flags going up. God bless you.

Answer 11

Wow. If he is over seas still then I would suggest waiting. Keep yourself calm I assume the army is still paying for your house? So that's not a concern right? When he comes back and has settled himself from such a stressful situation try to sit down calmly and just flat out ask him if he has cheated on you. Does he know that you will absolutely leave if he cheats. If he has cheated try to get him to write it down if possible.
If he is here in the states with you then have your calm sit down and ask him. Try not to get upset if he starts yelling just keep asking him in a calm way if he as cheated. If he has not cheated then suggest that you all try to work it out because like you said too young or not you both took vows to become a family. Cheating and death are what break a marriage.