I slept with a man twice my age, and I am only 16. Can I tell someone?

Question

I used to babysit for this guy who has 2 young kids. He is 32 and I am 16. He is very attractive, has an excellent job, and is happily married. I became very close with the family, so it wasn't strange for him to start kissing me goodnight on the cheek, or when he put his hand on my thigh. This would happen when he was driving me home at night. I won't get into details, but we ended up having sex in his car. Now I don't want you people telling me that he is a sick man or that I am sick, because obviously it won't do me any good. We all make mistakes and I know it was wrong.... My question is, if I wanted to tell like a trusted teacher or counselor or someone, would that person be required by law to tell the police? If you are an adult and som teen told you this, would you feel like it should be delt with? I don't want to get the man arrested, I just want to tell someone so it is off my chest. It's not like he is out there screwing young girls. It was a one-time thing.

wow you guys are harsh. ******* calling me a tramp! At least I can admit to doing something that I know is wrong. Give me some credit geeesh.

Millie.... NJ

Answer 1

Ok honey i think some people are confusing you here: firstly, here again is the law in NJ:

_______________________
The law in NJ:
2C:14-2. Sexual assault. c.An actor is guilty of sexual assault if he commits an act of sexual penetration with another person under any one of the following circumstances:

* * *

(3)The victim is at least 16 but less than 18 years old and:

* * *

(b)The actor has supervisory or disciplinary power of any nature or in any capacity over the victim;
_________________

****thanks to Millie M for that!*****

So, he has committed a crime by having sex with you.

HOWEVER, you are NOT seen as a minor when in the 16-18 age bracket.

IF YOU WERE UNDER 16 it would be statutory rape, and anyone you told would be obliged to report it as a case of child abuse (though even then he wouldn't be able to get prosecuted unless you decided to make a statement to the police, or told someone quick enough after the event that they could do a rape kit and get some DNA -there'd be no proof so dont worry, he wouldn't go to jail - though it would completely screw his life up. Which would be his own fault.)

similarly, if you were over 18, you are seen as an adult, and it's just an affair, no legal ramifications at all (apart from the bit about him being your employer, but again, you'd have to make an official complaint for that to matter)

However, between 16 and 18 in new jersey law, there is a grey area where you are not seen as an adult or a minor, but something in between. Because of that, the crime is no longer statutory rape, but sexual assault.

Therefore; doctors, ministers, and therapists would be legally bound to secrecy, should you decide to tell them.

Confidentiality can only be broken when a life may be in danger, or in cases of child abuse/neglect.

As neither of these would be the case (despite what some of these answerers thinks, it legally was not child abuse) you would be safe telling a doctor, therapist, or minister, and her would not get in any trouble at all - no-one would find out. If anyone did find out, you could sue the person you told for breach of confidentiality.





Having said all that, i want you to very seriously consider two things.

1: Are you SURE you haven't got an infection/pregnant from this? PLEASE get yourself checked out - clinics are very discreet, and it's all kept completely confidential, so dont worry abut that - just for gods sake get yourself checked.

2: How certain are you that he won't do anything like this again? I'm sure he told you 'i never do anything like this' and 'i love my wife so much i've never cheated' and 'i've never felt about anyone the way i feel about you' etc etc. But whatever he told you, how certain are you that it wasn't just a ploy to get you to sleep with him? He'd obviously been planning it - testing the water by putting his hand on your leg, kissing ur cheek etc, so i know you can't believe it 'just happened'.

As someone else said - what if the next girl is 13? I'm sure you believe he is a nice man who just did one thing wrong - but that is how many predators appear. I want you to have a think about how you would feel if (hypothetically) one of your friends, or perhaps a younger sister, or someone you know, was raped by this man, becuase you chose not to report him? would you be able to live with it? I'm not going to TELL you to report him - I just want you to make sure you have a really good think about it. Please.



Good luck, whatever you decide. Maybe next time pick someone a bit closer to your own age ;)

If you need to talk get in touch

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

Dear Miliie,

I am concerned about you, actually I had hoped you would write again because I have been worried about you all week. When I was 16 I had an older man do something similar. He showed affection that I had not been given in that way before. He made me feel attractive and appreciated and sexy. God knows the US shouts loud enough how every woman needs to be a sexual vixen in her own body. There is a lot of stuff out there about if you want it take it no matter what. At 29 years old I know what happened with this older man was rape. Even if you feel you consented, this man took ADVANTAGE of your innocence. You will never get back what he took from you. When he started off kissing you that was disturbing to me an immediate warning sign, when he put his hand on your leg that was overboard, and he crossed the line. You are not working for him anymore, which is a good sign. But don't fool yourself, his wife probably has a gut feeling and you are more than likely not the first. He could be doing this to his own kids. Or think about when the kids are older around your age and he starts coming onto their friends. You are not in the wrong in this situation. Unless you were the one that when his hand went to your lap you pulled it to yours, or started begging for him to do more, then the reality is you were coerced in his vehicle to do something that was wrong. Do not take his responsibility. You have to make the choice of whether or not you want to say anything about what happened. But please don't take too long. It is very hard to report abuse, but it is even harder to live with the secret of what happened and the knowledge that he will more than likely do this again.

Answer 4

Well, you have told everyone. Is that enough? Probably not.
You might want to hear that the laws in your state make it illegal for the 32 year old guy to have sex with you and he might be able to be prosecuted whether you want it or not.
You might consider whether he has slept (copulated with) other children or other adults and whether you now have a disease.
You might want to consider the difference between love and HIV, the latter is forever.
What do you suppose Mr. Married is going to do if you get pregnant? Will he dump his wife and kids and marry you and raise your kid or is this whole thing a really big mess and at least one kid has been messed over and there is a strong possibility that lots of other kids will be messed over.
If you are babysitting, someone thinks you are responsible already. Consider your other responsibilities. Managing your sex life is a big responsibility and it effects others.
Take care.
Do what you know is right.

Answer 5

Everyone has their own different morals and beliefs so inevitably, you're gonna get some criticism off here, no matter what. I'm not here to criticise you. You mentioned you're from New Jersey? You sound like a smart teenager, and I do give you credit for admitting you know that it's wrong (not only wrong, but also illegal). It's okay to make a mistake one time, learn from it, and move on, but if you keep making the same mistakes again and again, that's just plain stupid. If you do need to get it off your chest though - you mentioned you did anyway - I wouldn't go to a teacher or counselor. I don't know them, you do, but personally, even if I was very close to them, they might tell me they'd keep it confidental but think it was rape and report it to the police. Or it could get out to your parents. It's your choice but I just wouldn't go there if I was in your situation. If there is a local helpline in your state or area you can call, try them. Not only have they heard everything, but they're trained counsellors who will listen and respond in just the way you'd want them to. I'm from Australia and I've called my nationwide helpline (the Kids Helpline) several times, and each time I've hung up optimistic and happier. Give it a shot if you need someone to talk to.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Millie,

talk to your favorite teacher or counselor at school. They are there to guide you and counsel you. Do this NOW! If you have a good relationship with your own mother, you can tell her. If not, you can go to Planned Parenthood and talk to one of their counselors; I believe they can help you.

You need to discuss how to deal with older men if they do things like this, as they have no right to touch your body this way. You say it was a one-time thing, but this man will want to have sex with you again, and you need to learn how to tell him no. As one of the girls mentioned, if he did this with you, he's probably done it before, and the next girl he has sex with could be 13. You are under the "age of consent", and he is the responsible party and you have been manipulated by him.

Apparently he's a smooth actor, since he approached you so slowly starting with his hand on your thigh, which was the first action he took that he had no right to. A kiss on the cheek, if brief might be ok, but for him it was a prelude to seducing you.

I also recommend not babysitting for this family ever again.

By the way, he's NOT happily married, girl. Any man who would have sex with ANY female outside his marriage without his wife's consent is NOT happy in his marriage.

It's good that he has an excellent job. You could be pregnant and it's HIS responsibility to pay for all your medical care if you are! If he gave you an STD, he's also responsible. You should go to a health clinic and be tested for both those possibilities.

Answer 7

You need to see a therapist. Which you seem to already understand, it's just a matter of logistics. I would tell your parent, or a guidance counselor, that you would like to see a therapist. Tell them that you just have some stuff on your mind that you don't feel like you can talk to anyone about (including them, no offense) and you want to see a therapist.
_______________________
The law in NJ:
2C:14-2. Sexual assault. c.An actor is guilty of sexual assault if he commits an act of sexual penetration with another person under any one of the following circumstances:

* * *

(3)The victim is at least 16 but less than 18 years old and:

* * *

(b)The actor has supervisory or disciplinary power of any nature or in any capacity over the victim;
_________________
Thus, arguably, the guy--by virtue of being your employer and you being only 16--committed a crime. As a practical matter I suspect this is rarely if ever prosecuted. But the statute is there.

As for reporting, therapists have an obligation to report "child abuse." What happened to you is almost certainly not child abuse, but the NJ statute leaves the tiniest little bit of wiggle room. If a therapist, such the the minister whose post follows this one, assumes that your parents provided insufficient supervision in allowing this to happen to you, they may arguably believe that they have an obligation to report. That said, most serious therapist are not like our minister friend below. Most therapists value the confidentiality of your communication and so long as they do not feel you are in danger of future harm, will not report--particularly as here.

Here's what I would do. I would seek out a therapist or open minded minister to talk to--someone that runs the youth group at a large main line church. I would give them a hypothetical and ask them whether they would feel a legal obligation to report such an incident. Ultimately, you may just have to go with your gut, and tell someone whom you respect and who you trust to do the right thing--even if that "right thing" means intervening in some way. As a parent, I would be inclined to intervene, but I understand that the most important thing is that you find someone to talk to right now.

Take care. Someday you are going to be 33 and, looking back, this guy is going to look very silly and pathetic.

Answer 8

I don't understand why you are being defensive, you did just tell a bunch of strangers that do not give a damn about your feelings, I know I don't. To me it sounds like this was your crush that went too far, you want it to happen again and he doesn't so you want to tell and hurt him anyway you can.

also no one here knows he has done this before, they just assume so get tested if you want but don't let these people scare you into thinking you have HIV or something else.

I am not on either of your sides, I think at 16 you ARE old enough to make life desicions and you made the wrong one this time. Just think things out before acting on something like this again.

Answer 9

I'll be honest with you. If you had sex with the guy and YOU wanted to, then you are fine. Why would you tell another person your business? I don't understand that part. But be real, if you told an adult, then of course they would tell the police or an authority. I don't think a person should do anything, just as long as they are sure this person is okay. Business about who you are sexually active with is not supposed to be broadcasted to the whole world. But if you were threatened or harmed in any way, then yeah, tell an adult. It was just a choice you made and it is obvious you are fine with it.

Answer 10

Well for one considering you are a minor and he is an adult he just commited the crime of satutory rape whether you condoned it or not!!! So If people were to find out he can be arrested on that charge and he will be listed as a pedifile which can cause him to loose his children!!! You both messed up big time, and he should of known better then to sleep with a minor because now he has jepordized his marriage and his children. I hope you guys are happy!!! If I was his wife Id come hunt you down and be more then happy to jo to jail for whipping your *** and destroying my family. 1 word kid HOMEWRECKER. Think about how youd feel if you were the wife and some little hootchie who isint even of legal age to vote slept with your husband. Put the shoe on the other foot next time you decided to wreck someones family