Should I Divorce Her?

Question

So, I've been married for 7 years. It’s been rocky since the beginning, but we've been stubborn enough to get though the rough patches. Now, we're separated, but still married (due to work - I'm now in another state for at least the next 6 months, make it home every other weekend). She's pulling away from me again, this time; I think I should let her go.

We have no kids, she's not pregnant (she can't get pregnant - medical reasons), and she's done this before. Usually, I pull us back together, but now that I've lived on my own again for the first time in 10 years, I'm wondering if it’s worth it. If she wants to pull away, why don't I let her go?

There's no one else for me out there, I'm not having an affair (don't think she is), so it’s not about running into open arms.

What do you think?

Answer 1

Divorce is painful and destructive to the self esteem of at least one of the married people. It is also costly and it leaves a failure mark next to your name, so to speak. It should always be done as a last resort, especially if you have children.

But at least you are asking this before you bring children into the world.

Maintaining a good marriage is hard work. But sometimes we marry a person we really have nothing in common with other than the initial physical attraction, so when it wears off, we think we are no longer in love.

Love is more than the eros kind of love where you see a person and desire them.

Love is more of a fileo love, a friendship love, where you share all your thoughts with your beloved and she shares them with you. It is like being with your best friend and knowing just what they are thinking even before anyone says anything. It is wanting to be there for each other in times of joy and times of sadness. It is wanting good things for the other person, sacrificing your own needs to make them happy. It is getting up when you don't have to in order to make them breakfast on a day they have a job interview. It is being their cheerleader when they feel down or being their mentor when they need advice.

It takes more than work to be happy. First you have to like the other person, not what they look like on the outside, but who they are on the inside.

Does she treat you as good as she treats her friends?

Does she respect what you have to say or what your feelings are?

Does she value the same things you value?

Do you want to share things about your day with her?

Do you have conversations and realize just how much you have in common or are you bored listening to her talk and find she isn't really paying attention to you either?

If you could start over, would you still have chosen her?

Are you just afraid to be alone?

I guess what I am saying is that only you know what she means to you. You have a history with her and you know if most of the time you have been happy. No one is always happy! All marriages have their ups and downs. Love is a decision. You can choose to love her even when she doesn't seem so wonderful. Or you can choose to leave in search of something better.

Talk to her. Ask her what she if feeling?

Good luck.

Answer 2

I loved being married. But in marriage, I loved my space as well. Sometimes I'd go off with my girlfriends for a week. He'd go off with his buddies to ski for a week. But we adored each others' company, and each of us was the other's best friend. Does this describe the two of you or not? Because if it does not..... then you have some pondering to do.....

Is she basically unhappy? Are you? And do you think this is a personality clash, or a personality defect?---on her part, or yours.

I'd suggest a serious talk, but unless you two are skilled at getting your issues out there without trouncing on the other's ego, this would best be done with a counselor. (these kinds of things just disintegrate into an accusatory ego slap-fest.) It would likely be the short cut to your solution, not the long way around. In a session or two of counseling, you'd find out if you have a relationship worth saving, and how you each would need to go about it. You would also quickly learn that this may indeed by a corpse of a marriage, and it is time to shake hands and walk away. In either event, you would both be ahead, and save time rather than just floundering wondering what you ought to do.

Good luck, hon

Answer 3

Personally, I believe that if your married and there is no affair involved then you should keep working on your marriage. My father told my husband that you never really love a person until you have been with them for at least 7yrs. I thought that he was crazy. But sure enough, not long after my hubby and I reached our 7yr. mark our lives changed. I really truly for the first time in my life felt real love for another person. (Outside of my children that is.) I thought I loved him before, but it was nothing like what I was feeling then. I say to give it at least another year of trying. 7yrs. is too long of an investment to just throw away without giving it your all. If within' the next year you still feel the same then yes, you two are probably not going to make it. But if you throw it away now and then realize you made a mistake, it could be too late. Just one more year. You can do it. I am on year 17 now. I am glad that we worked through all of that. You will be too.

Answer 4

It sounds to me like it is definitely time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Find out what each of you see for your future together. I don't know that I put much faith in counseling, but a good honest sit down and talk between the two of you will go a long way in opening up feelings that both of you are not sharing with each other.

The bright side is you will finally know wither you have anything left to work on, or if it is time to go your separate ways. Either way it sounds like the two of you need some type of closure.

Answer 5

If you feel like she's pulling away from you -it's probably because she is, though not intentionally. With or without you home, she's obligated to keep living. In other words, it's important that she remain within the land of the living. Marriage isn't easy...Especially when distance is a factor.

Answer 6

I truly think you both need counseling and praying together. She got to realize you're away because of work not because you can't be with her. When you come home on those weekend go out on dates like you did before you got married try romancing her again to put that flame back in the marriage.
Don't give up because it does not sound like you are ready to give up. I will keep you lifted and you just keep the faith in God to work things out.

Answer 7

The reason your pulling her back is probably because you still love her. But I believe you should let her go. If she keeps pulling away don't hurt her or yourself anymore by forcing you too to stay together. If you haven't tried it already go to marriage counseling, it would help. And now that you've lived on your own and survived, I believe you can do it again. Good Luck!

Answer 8

well goodness, if you are going to be away for 6 months with only every other weekend visits, it's sort of hard for her not to pull away from you, isn't it? You have to do what you think is right for you, sounds like you have one foot out the door already....do you want to make it work? if the honest answer is yes, then make it work, if it is no, then divorce.

Answer 9

I think it's worth a round of marriage counseling before you decide. With no kids and little time together, it's seems a shame to be married only on paper.

Answer 10

I think counseling is needed. Not just couple's counseling, but individual counseling as well. It sounds like she has something deep going on and it sounds like you're getting tired of doing all the work. Find the root of the problem---then go form there. If you find then there is no answer, then maybe you should both move on.