Why do women remain in violent relationships?

Question

This isn't a question I came up with, was something we discussed in class when covering domestic violence.

Monos, I actually have read several of the text book definitions and answers about why, that come from my text books and websites. However, I wanted the opinion of actual women...and men too if they wanted to chime in. I am in no way insult anyone or attack men, I just wanted to hear how other women feel on the subject, since often times in classes, people tend to not speak up.

Answer 1

Human beings like consistency.

And when we enter a relationship, we restructure our lives around that relationship. Some women get the idea that the violence is bad, but splitting up completely might be a lot worse (loss of house, income, etc.)

They also rationalize the abuser's behavior ("It was just that one time" or "It's only when he's drunk") so that they can keep on living as they've been living.

Answer 2

It is a series of baby steps that the abuser takes to control their object of desire. It is very similar to brain washing.

Usually, the beginning of the relationship is a fairy tail whirlwind romance. The abuser is on their best behavior and over does their performance of being 'perfect'. Then with a small insignificant step the abuser will lure their victim into a tiny insignificant abuse situation. The abuser gives 'Major' apologies and a return to the 'perfect' state. Time and time again, this is repeated. The abuser is teaching the abusee how to slowly handle the abuse. The abusee is now numb to this process.

The second step is to iscolate the abusee from friends and family. Sometimes this occurs concurrently with the abuser teaching the abusee how to take the pain. See, when a person being abused with tiny little things complains to friends and family, they too get numb during the process. Additionally, the abuser can do more drastic stuff like re-locate the family causing separation and isolation. This makes the victim vulnerable.

Lastly, after the teaching, and isolation is accomplished, the abuser will flood the victim with abuse. The victim rarely gets the 'sorry' or positive make-up times. The abuser now has the victim under their control. Verbal assault keeps the victim there under an unseen chain. Remarkably, the victim often internalizes all blame and has empathy for their abuser. They are conditioned to give their abuser everything to avoid the abuse. I don’t care if you are Mother Teresa, or Gandhi … this technique overpowers most all people who cannot escape during the honeymoon process.

I wonder what would happen if we spent our resources fixing the abuser ... it seems that they are not only trapping their victim, but they too have trapped themselves into a ugly life. Certainly, we need to protect the victim ... but I think we should spend time on the abuser too for a better society.

(Notice I was gender neutral as woman do this to men too ... however, it's usually the 'Ma-ma's boy who's the victim by ma instead of the typical husband over wife domination)

Answer 3

There are a lot of different reasons and they may be different depending upon the woman. Some women are afraid the men will come after them or kill them or hurt them if they leave. They may think "better me than the kids". It may be culture. They may be embarrassed that she married a man that she shouldn't have, but didn't know it at the time. A friend of mine got the crap beaten out of her on their honeymoon! She didn't know what she did wrong? Nothing, it was him. They got divorced after 3 kids and thirty years-culture. Some women have no where to go if they leave and they don't want to live under a bridge. The man may keep telling her it will never happen again and because she had loved him at one point in time, she gives him another chance, and another and another... Some men are very convincing. Many reasons, oh so many....
I am lucky to have chosen a man who is not violent, does not drink, smoke, gamble or abuse drugs and is considerate. He's also very good in "other" areas...

Answer 4

I would just like to point out the following:
"Recent research carried out for the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS) found that women are more likely than men to perpetrate domestic violence. This report, based on a survey of 530 clients of MRCS, found that, where domestic violence occurs, mutual violence accounts for 33% of cases, female perpetrated violence accounts for 41% and male perpetrated violence for 26%."

For some statistics on the United Kingdom, United States and Canada, but primarily Ireland, see here:
http://www.amen.ie/Papers/15270.htm

Anyway, in answer to your question, the most probable causes, I feel, can be concern for children, if there are any, an inherent love for the other person despite the violence, fear of the consequences of leaving and (although this one primarily only applies to male victims) concern that they won't be believed if they tell someone.

Answer 5

There are many reasons why woman may stay in a abusive relationship. I for one, was just one of those women, many years ago! The reasons I stayed in my abusive marriage was because I was scared for my life. My ex-husband had tried to literally kill me a few times. Thank God, he didn't get it done. He had warned me if I left him he would retaliate. If he couldn't have me, no one else would. Also I had no money and no where to go. At that time there was not any places for abused women like there is now. Also the abuser not only abuses them physically, but emotionally too. they make the person believe that they deserve to be abused. They make them feel like no one else will have them. I am sure there are people who also stay in ther relationships because of the kids. It doesn't have to be that way now. there is many programs now that will work with the victims to get on their feet.

Answer 6

Girls are the abusers and men are the victims!
The truth from worldwide studies are out !

"As a former prosecutor and divorce lawyer I know that the best deterrent to violence by human beings is arrest, prosecution and appropriate consequences. With well-prepared cases, vigorous prosecution, and no nonsense consequences the cycle of abuse can be broken, no matter who the abuser is. Humans become habitual abusers because they get away with it. It is impossible to make progress in reducing domestic violence until we recognize that women are violent."

Acknowledging That Women Are Abusers Leads To Better Solutions
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Women usually initiate spousal violence episodes (they hit first), and women hit more frequently, as well as using weapons three times more often then men. This combination of violent acts means that efforts to find solutions to the family violence problem need to include appropriate focus on female perpetrators. We need to recognize that women are violent, and we need nationwide educational programs that portray women as perpetrators. Other studies show that men are becoming less violent at the same time that women are becoming more violent. Educating men seems to be working. Educating women to be less violent should now be the main thrust of public education programs.

Any family violence program which accepts the "male abuser - female victim" paradigm is based on a false premise. These kind of family violence programs actually perpetuate the problem of abuse and do not deserve to be supported by private citizens or government agencies. Many government agencies, and legitimate charities, have been funding a feminist political cause, rather than funding rational, solution focused, family violence prevention programs.

Answer 7

Its all because of love... stupid love *sigh*. Actually, battered women (including my sister -sure) tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons. Among these reasons are...
- they are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase
- they tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships... thinking that they are responsible for making the marriage work
- they also think that it is more dangerous to leave than to stay especially when they already have kids
- they are scared that their batterer will kill himself or the children
- AND they lost their self-esteem that they have no psychological energy to leave.

Answer 8

You know this is really a sad question when you think about it; it gives all women a bad name. I know of this woman (this happened years ago) who was being beat by her husband practically on a daily basis, now get this her best friend was encouraging her to stay in the marriage, she'd arranged for them to get married in the first place, so the woman stayed and continued getting beat, slowly but surely she realized that she was falling in love with him; eventually the beatings stopped, but afterwards he demonstrated in every way he could that he had no respect for her. To this very day she'll tell you herself in the same breath that he treats her like crap and that she stays because she loves him.

Answer 9

Why do women AND MEN remain in violent relationships? There are plenty of men who get beaten by a woman on a regular basis.

Answer 10

they are too afraid to leave and they are very comfortable because good or bad they know what to expect the unknown is much scarrier most often. it also has been said it can be a type of codependent addiction style relationship. anyway you look at it it's dangerous there are plenty of battered women shelters to go to but one need to want to leave and want to go. they will help protect her (and her children as well if she has any)