i have been with my husband since 1994. he was a lead singer of his own band which split up in 2000. 2 months later he was fired from his job. These were devistating losses in his eyes, so i was supportive and understanding as a good wife should be. the first 2 years were excusable in my eyes, since he had been with the band for 6 years previous, but now it is just ridiculous. he still is not over it, he is still without a job. he is still depressed. when i try to talk to him about it, he shuts down and refuses to talk to me. i feel in my heart that, for my self preservation, that i need to let him go, but how can i let him go when i feel like i am the one who enabled his behavior over all these years? is it selfish of me to want to let him go? should I continue to stick it out? should i place a time limit on our marriage? what do I say? how do I approach him?
my parents were divorced when i was 6, i thought they didnt have what it takes, and i was going to show them that I did.
:(
2007-04-26 09:57:20 · 19 answers · asked by Shake-Zula 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to sit him down and let him know how much this is disturbing you. First, at least give him a chance to change. Tell him he needs to move on from this. He's been in the world of gloom long enough. Tell him you'd like some help supporting the both of you. After being frank with him, if he still doesn't try to change or seek medical help if he is indeed "depressed", then yes, it's time to think of you and what you really want. As long as you tried, and gave him a chance, it is not your failure. And by the way, it's OKAY to be a little selfish sometimes if the other person is not meeting your needs or even trying. YOU are responsible for YOU. If he won't talk at all...then I'd say you have to do some inner soul searching, and if you can't live like this, it's time to move on.
2007-04-26 10:02:54 · answer #1 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
For me, the marriage is over when two people (or one half of the couple) no longer love or respect the other. There are some couples that still live under the same roof, or have 'stayed together for the kids', but their marriage -- the llife-long loving partnership -- has been long dead. Even though you may still techically be married for legal and tax purposes, for all practical purposes it has ended. One partner moving out is just an outward sign of an inward reality, and the divorce going through is the legal expression of the same thing. The end of a marriage really depends on the couple; for some, a marriage may not end until well after a partner moves out. For others, it may end while living under the same roof. This is an emotional milestone, not one that can be marked by a physical event.
2016-05-19 04:43:23 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Myself, have learned after three marriages and three divorces, all my choice and they were bad choices. I would set a time limit in your mind. And if you want tell him that you are going to give him - say six months or a year to pull out of this depression and not working. He's a grown man. And he should start acting like one, but some of them never grow up and you have to decide if you are willing to continue this game. Divorce sucks, so maybe if you put a time limit on it, he will surprise you and seek help and find a job. Not many band openings . It's up to you now and I know it won't be easy on you, but stick to your guns or stay miserable.
2007-04-26 10:05:56 · answer #3 · answered by docie555@yahoo.com 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel like you are still taking a lot of the blame for him. You have definitely enabled him, and you are aware of that.
You have given him more than enough time to come to grips with these situations, and it seems like he is taking advantage of your kindness.
I would give him a time limit to get it together, because this is draining you dry.
He may need some counseling, but ultimately he has to learn to let go of the past.
You may have to leave just for your dignity.
You have been more than supportive, so if you have to walk, don't feel guilty.
I wish you all the best of luck with this.
2007-04-26 10:05:35 · answer #4 · answered by Ms Brown Eyez 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your loyalty is commendable, but this guy is seriously depressed and needs help. You can't be his therapist (tell him this, it's true). He needs to at least find a support group, and you can pressure him to do that - it's totally reasonable. If he refuses to help himself, give him an ultimatum. There's such a thing as tough love, and you could still be friends if you broke up. I'm serious about that - it's totally possible to stay friendly with an ex, if you keep certain boundaries.
2007-04-26 10:04:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really liked the answer above about counseling. But it is soooo hard to be with someone who is depressed. They bring you down all the time, nothing you do helps, they shut you out, and sometimes it feels like you are already alone. It is one of worst positions to be in. I hope that he will seek help, because it is not normal for someone to grieve this long over something like this. I hope that you talk to someone, hopefully alone, to express how you are doing. I really hope that he realizes what he has and not what he has lost.
2007-04-26 10:10:43 · answer #6 · answered by Seasidelover23 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first of all you need to tell your husband to get his lazy butt off the couch... If he is not at home, taking care of the house and kids, he should be out there making the mortgage. There is no reason that for 7 YEARS he Can not go find another job, he is using you!
2007-04-26 10:02:15 · answer #7 · answered by loulou 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Preserve yourself. This guy is dragging you down with him.
You will be surprised how fast he will recover without you to lean on and support him, unless, of course, he finds another lollipop to take your place. What are you getting out of this deal? If you stay in this situation, I have a nice bridge that I want to sell you....Best wishes, stop being used.
2007-04-26 10:04:40 · answer #8 · answered by tylernmi 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation, I feel your pain. Your husband needs to get help, he's having self-esteem and self-worth issues. Set up a meeting with a therapist. If he won't go, maybe you should separate for a while to force him to realize what he DOES have. Good luck!
2007-04-26 10:02:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you are not happy then you should leave, discuss what you feel with him and see if he is willing to change or do counseling. Sounds like he just wants to be a kid if he is not willing to work, I mean if this happened in 2000 I say he should be over it. Good luck hun
2007-04-26 10:03:37 · answer #10 · answered by workit 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋