Question for the girls from a Dad who loves his girl but has not been able to see for 20 years?

Question

I am in the United States and my daughter is in Germany. She was here in the U.S. until she was 2 1/2 years old. Her mom and I got divorced and she went back to Germany. Before she left, she told me that I would never see or hear from my daughter again. I didn't beleave this but then, now my daughter is 22. I used the internet/my-space, and found some German girls over there that helped me try to locate my beautiful daughter. I have a name and an address. I think it is her because my last name is not a German type name. Anyways, I wrote a long letter and made a 30-minute CD video message for her and sent it to the address I found. Now, if you were this young lady of 22 years and your father who you have not seen for almost 20 years sends you a letter and video stating how much he loves you and always wanted you. Would you be happy about getting this letter? Would it make you mad? I am lost on this. I do not know what all she was told over the years. I said nothing bad about her Mom.

Answer 1

I would be thrilled to get the letter and CD. If her mom said bad things about you she may not be at first but hopefully will get over that.
No matter the results you did the right thing. At least you will know one way or another and you did not chicken out and do nothing!
Good for you and I pray it all goes well.

Answer 2

I'm too many yrs past 22 to give a 22 yo's perspective, so I'll just give my advice from an old fogie of 48:

Here's the crux of the problem: You don't know what she had been told over & over for the past 20 yrs. She may not even remember you because some children have memories at 1 year, and others not until they are 5 or older. It just depends if you were able to leave a positive memory with her that made her think back on you and wonder....

In the meantime, your ex may have remarried and her hubby adopted your daughter or is merely the stepdad and she may be close to him. Or...he may have hurt her and she hates all men. (ouch!). There's 20 yrs of history that you had NO control over.

I would suggest getting in touch with her mom first (water under the bridge) and at least tried to get her 'blessing' before contacting your daughter. Time heals most wounds, and your ex's heart may have softened up over the years. But since you did not go this route, your daughter will (no doubt) contact her mom and ask about you. Depending upon her mom's reaction may be a positive or negative response.

I would suggest that you give your daughter a full month to think things over. If you have not heard from her by then, do try and contact her mom and see if, perhaps, it would be acceptable for you to try and reach your daughter again. No matter what flack you get from the ex or your daughter, continue to NOT speak unkindly about nor toward your ex. You daughter will always see her mom as the one who "cared enough to take me" and you as the one who "abandoned" her. As she gets older, she will mature and begin to understand the complications of relationships more and will grow to understand your situation. Until then, there may be some pent-up anger, so get your armor on and be ready to react with kindness & patience.

If you still do not hear from your daughter, there is no harm in you sending her a birthday card and Christmas cards to her each year (without fail), and perhaps HER heart will soften and she will get in touch with you. This may take years.

I'm sorry for your sorrow. I hate divorce when it involves kids. They always seem to suffer the most, but it looks like you suffered, too. Hang in there and keep trying.

042607 4:25

Answer 3

man this is tough because you dont know what her mom has been telling her all this time... doesnt sound good either :(
i can offer this, i am 20something and have never seen nor met my real father... he doesnt have your excuse, he could have contacted me anytime so if he were to today, i would not be receptive. My mother also did nothing to damage him in my eyes, its just my own stubborn choice.
If however he were to send me a video and the circumstances were as you described I would def. be interested in connecting with him. Especially if he is saying how much he always loved me. I would be very happy to get that letter & video is even so much more. In fact if my father today sent me a video and let me know his perspective it would probably soften me up from all the things I hold against him becuz i dont know...
you did the best you could do and i will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Answer 4

I have a friend who's ex wife took his daughter to England for for 18 years. The daughter came back to Canada and absolutely hated her father. He never stopped trying to find her, her mother had convinced her that he hated her. Its been about 10 years now that she has come back here, finally she is allowing her dad into her life. He is THRILLED. There are going to be a lot of questions, a lot of resentments and possibly hatred towards you. You have to be honest and dont say anything about her mom, that is all she knows and that is what she believes. If she does contact you, try not to overwhelm her with information or love. Get to know her and see where it goes. Good luck and I really hope this works out in your favor.

Answer 5

sorry and i dont mean to be rude but what took you so long? you can NOT blame the mother for you not being there. sorry that is just not acceptable. you could of followed her and gotten the law involved! why werent there missing posters and a missing report. no person can take an american child out of the country without permission and if they do there are serious consequences. sorry the mother may have known you wouldnt care where they were, so that's why she took her away. and you proved her right. you need to hope your duaghter is dumb as dirt and wont think about how little you tried to find her. for 20 yrs you sat on your rear end. she's gonna want to know why! good luck! ooo and dont say "you tried" you didnt try hard enough. and there is no way you can convince intelligent people you did!

Answer 6

Well considering the fact THAT you where ripped from her due to your lovely generous EX...Who knows what she told her..NOT saying that she did but if she stated you "never" being able to see her is pretty hateful and never is along time
Maybe she meant she will do anything in her power to see that you do really never see her... hhhmmmmm...In the video did you clearly state your side of the story "without" putting the women who raised her down..? or did you say how much you loved and missed her..? She might not believe your sympathy
without knowing the truth...I know if I only knew one side of the story from a women who threatened my father of eternally never seeing my father I would probably hate him only because of my questions already being answered by my mother (the one side) I wouldn't worry to much Because unless she has taking after her mother or had picked up bad habits and knowledge from her She should be able to understand once hearing your side...It might be shocking to..
She might not know what to think..Or she might except you no matter what...Who knows she might not care what happened and just happy your here now...Whatever you do don't give up.........She is your daughter forever and you will see her and you Will talk to her and you Will be able to catch up With her..

never and forever are both eternally speaking

Answer 7

That's a difficult situation. I haven't seen my dad in 15 years and I'd be very hesitant to ask him back into my life if he contacted me now, not because he did anything wrong but just because of the turmoil it would cause.
You also don't want to overwhelm her so you might not want to send so much next time.
If you don't hear from her, just send a short note saying you just want to know if you contacted the right person and you'd really like to hear from her.
Then sit back and wait.
This may seem like a weird question but did you send the letter in English or German? She left when she was pretty young and might not speak English.

Answer 8

She should be delighted to know her dad loves her. HOWEVER, it strongly depends on the brainwashing of her mother. My husband has 3 grown daughters from prior marriage. Over the (24) years, I kept telling my husband, they will come around when they become adults. Well that has not happened. And we all live within the US. However, each time my husband foolishly thinks he's made a connection, they retreat back to their mother's womb. It baffles me that they have no desire to know who this loving man is. The youngest was 5 when their mother strayed. So they were all old enough to have some memory of him. (obviously yours was not) Yet mother's word is gospel. The youngest has tried to connect with him. And they all make her life miserable for it. I will never understand such abuse. With that said, I wish you success! ;)

Answer 9

If I were the girl, I would feel overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. But at bottom, I would feel glad that my dad tried to contact me at all when it wasn't so easy.
As people grow up, they start to appreciate what adults can do to each other and how they can use children as pawns in their game. Enough time has passed for her to know this. She must be aware that she has heard only one side of a story. The only question she might have is: what took you so long?

Answer 10

she wont be mad. but your right who knows what her mom told her. Just dont freak out and relax. SHe may be excited. Give her a few days to get it and see the video then try calling her or contacting her on her myspace or something. She will probally be old enough to understaned whats going on. fathers hava special bond with there daughters so chances ae she will want tosee you. so be prepared. and stop thiking the worst