Tough situation. NEED SOME ADVICE BEFORE I DO SOMETHING RASH! Help?

Question

Myhusband left me for a neighborhood friend. He moved out four blocks away, She lives five blocks away in the other direction. She put her husband out who moved around the corner from me. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. The winch and her husband have 1 daughter. My husband and I have two kids. We take the same train to work but sometimes he gets off the train at my stop when he is coming from her house in the morning or going there in the evening. All kids are under 8.
He is paying the mortgage. I can't afford it. He is also paying the day care and tution for our kids I can't afford. He has threatened to seek full custody of the kids if I move out of town. I can't afford $20,000 in attorney fees.

He still gets invited to friends parties & he takes her. Sometimes I am invited and sometimes not. I am miserable.
He won't divorce me and is fighting my divorce filing. What??? I need any advice that you can give. I am thinking of moving away giving them the kids. Better absent than crazy?

joe:
I could write winch and not be reported. What I want to call and think about my husband would be deleted.

Answer 1

Never make any decisions when stressed. Look at all of your options, the kids need you, so think about it before giving in to him. Your strong enough to do it.

Answer 2

At this point he is paying the bills, that doesn't mean the court will order him to continue to pay all the bills.
This is not abandonment, he is still there financially, and sounds like he stops to see the kids.
(He did abandon YOU emotionally, however that isn't the courts concern.)
The court is just as or more likely to force you to get a job & pay your share.

One thing to remember with lawyers, they really don't care if you win or not, they DO care that you will pay the bill.
And when you think about it, there is no money tree.
The total sum of money available to you both is YOURS+HIS.

When you spend a large amount on a lawyer, the total available for you, him, and the KIDS is YOURS+HIS MINUS what the lawyer gets.
So the more you both end up spending on lawyers, the less there is for the kids.

Your best bet is talk to him, see what you guys can work out. Be honest and fair & it you can make that work, it is the best for all concerned.
The kids are the big losers in any divorce, the more ANYONE loses, the more the kids lose.
If there is NO way anything can be worked out, your only choice is a lawyer, and as many pointed out there are lower cost & free counsel available.
(Just remember, the worse it is between you guys, the more stress you put on the kids, is that fair to the kids? And at SOME level you two are going to have to deal with each other for a long time, best time to start is now.)

As far as the custody, in most states, the default is joint shared custody, and should be. BOTH parents are important to the kids.

You cannot legally move away without the courts permission. YOU can, it is a free country, but you cannot take the kids. He can have you thrown in jail for taking the kids away without permission.
Nor can he take the kids and move without permission.

As far as you simply going away. The kids need BOTH parents, you and him.
They need to know you both still love them and will be there for them.

You CAN take a break from it all to relieve your stress, etc.
I would suggest you convey IN WRITING that you simply are taking a vacation with friends, and am asking him to take care of the kids on a TEMPORARY basis for a defined period. Specify the dates! AND specify WHEN you will pick them up! This will help keep it from looking like an abandonment on your part.
I would suggest you speak with someone in the legal field with family legal expertise, before doing this, just to cover your rights.

Divorce is usually very hard emotionally, especially if it wasn't your decision to break up and/or was a surprise... The majorly mixed feelings can be overwhelming, that is normal.
There are all kinds of free/low cost counseling available for this, check with your local lutheran, catholic social services, they are not the only ones, I just know they have them. : )

I have been there... It can be very rough...

Just remember, the kids want & need you, and you are not alone, many people have been through it.

You can handle this. : )


Additional Info:
I agree with Lisa above me : )

Answer 3

OK, Here is what you need to do. First and foremost realize what has happened and what you have to do about it. It's kinda funny that the other woman is a "winch" and your hubby who broke promises to you, lied to you, cheated on you, and so on is a "husband". Sounds like your anger is directed towards the wrong person. Right now your hurting, confused, and most of all, scared. And you have every right to be. Start by getting a GOOD attorney and filing for divorce. The attorney can get a court order to force "Hubby" to continue to pay the mortgage and such until the court date for your final divorce. He can also ask the court for child support, spousal support and even your attorney fees. And with all he's done, I can't imagine a judge not granting them. Now ask yourself, would you really want your kids raised by a couple like your husband and the winch? So don't do anything stupid. Look at this as a chance to start a new life. Everyday should be an adventure and here's your chance to start living a happy life. Good Luck to you and please, please, please don't give in. You're a lot stronger than you think. Now prove it.

Answer 4

Don't give up your kids. That's my first piece of advice.

Second piece of advice -- don't fight over the details about your kids in such a way as to make your kids feel that they have to choose sides. However you can manage this -- it's a difficult call. Don't talk him down to his kids, don't criticize his decisions. If you don't agree -- keep it to yourself.

Third piece of advice -- divorce does not have to be adversarial. It is the adversarial relationship engendered by the court systems that causes the costs of divorce to skyrocket astronomically. See if your state has an option of arbritrated or mediated settlement -- more states, provinces, countries are going to this option in an attempt to unclog the court systems. It is far less costly, less damaging to the children, and results in at least a functional relationship between you and your ex in most cases. It IS more difficult in some respects, because it requires you to put away your anger and hard feelings and focus on fixing the problems etc.

Answer 5

First of all, a divorce does not have to cost $20,000 find another attorney or public assistance. Second, start saving money so you don't have to rely on him. Third, go to court now and get child support payments this will help you meet your bills. Also, get child custody papers started, so he can't take the kids without violating court orders.

He probably doesn't want to file for divorce because you and the kids are his backup plan B. And the same goes for you filing for divorce.

This situation really stinks and I wish you the best.

Answer 6

If you love your children and can be a good mother to them, then don't just abandon them. Plus, if he tried to take you to court for full custody of the children and you are able to prove that he is 1.) committing adultery & 2.) NOT consenting to a divorce... he could be seen as an unfit parent. Remember, money is NOT always the determining factor. I feel sorry for you in this situation, but you need to take control of your life and stop using the lack of money as an excuse for why things can't be fixed. Take out a loan if necessary to get that lawyer... afterall, aren't your kids worth it? You are an adult and NOT tied to this man just because he says so. Also, about the parties- get over it; you have MUCH bigger issues. You can always find new friends. Good luck.

Answer 7

He is probably fighting the divorce because he knows that he could stand to lose everything because he was wrong for just walking away with the neighbor. He can fight the divorce all he wants, but when the court finds out he is living with another women, they will grant one regardless. You can talk to a lawyer and have all the fees paid for by your ex. He is the one who left. It should not cost you $20K in attorney fees. Talk to a good lawyer in your area and tell them this story. Good Luck to you. But do not give up your kids...

Answer 8

First of all, if you love your children more than anything and you want them DON'T GIVE THEM AWAY. In order for your husband to get full custody, he has to prove you to be an unfit parent. You can get assistance with rent and housing in your state if you can't afford it. Look into it! You would probably end up having joint custody and you can still move if you want to. The problem would be visitation. He may have them for half the year while you have them half of the year. Also, you have got a case of adultery against him! Look into state assistance because they also have services to help women in your situation with court costs. Trust me, I had to do that myself. Good Luck!

Answer 9

You have to get your divorce lawyer to file to have your husband pay for your divorce. It is possible, and once the court decrees that he does, he now gets the very nasty idea of either fighting you full on and him paying for it, or just letting you go.

Answer 10

Don't give in to his manipulations. Some divorce lawyers will take cases pro bono or based on your ability to pay.

If you give in, then you are not only losing your kids but also your dignity and he wins. He is using your children as a bargaining tool and flaunting his girlfriend to all your mutual friends. Please seek legal advice and don't give up!

Answer 11

Don't give that loser your kids. Go to family court and they will advise you. You are in a bad situation but you can get through it. Lean on family and on your true friends, they will help you when you feel over whelmed. Good luck....