A question regarding mother in laws???

Question

Ive only been married 2 years and I have a one year old daughter.My husband and I recently moved in my husband 's old house because we lived another part of the country.The house is where he grew up and is where his elderly mother is living and has done so for a few years because she cannot afford living on her own.My husband pays the mortgae and all the bills.Ive never had any hesitation of sharing a house with her she seems like a nice lady,But lately its starting to change because I am noticing shes overly possesive with the house.The furnishing and decorations have 2 be her way and shes not open 2 any changes and she has many old figurines of no value where it easy for my one year old to grab old of and I suggested whe put them up higher or away in a safe place just for a while until my daughter outgrows the touching everything phase well she exploaded.She wont have it and expects me to yell at a 1 year old all day everyday.My husband is away on a work assignment.What am I to do?

Answer 1

Sorry, this is a touchy subject. You're going to need your husband to back you up. Short of him sorting it out for you and putting his foot down...I would just tell her that your daughter is just too young to understand to leave the figurines alone, the house needs to be child proofed.

Tell your Mom-in-law that if she leaves them where they are they will get broken. Then...let them get broken. If she really cares about them she'll move them. If not, well...your daughter is taking care of your problem for you, one ceramic piece at a time.

Answer 2

I am going to give you pearls of wisdom, move. Your husband is paying all of the bills, which could be equity going into your own home. You are not the lady of the house in which he is supporting, this is absurd. She considers it to be her home although she has none of the financial responsibility. They both have you over a barrel. He is doing what he can to appease his mom, but [even the bible says] the husband is supposed to seek to please his wife. You are being hurt in more ways than one. Your marraige should be private, no one else there, especially someone who managed to afford it before you got married--strange. You cannot arrange the home as you would like? I hope you din't sell out your peace of mind for the promise of the house when she dies. Yes these foolish nick -nacks are a nuisance and the are another way of her controling issues. They are meaningless in reality but she sees them as part of her past, before you came along. They are not the issue, they are only a symtom of the real issue.They could hurt your toddler, even though I am fairly strict about discipline I would never yell at a baby for touching things. Baby's enviroment should be happy, safe and interesting to learn from. You mother in law cannot afford where she lives--she needs to be moved to a more appropriate place for her and live in the present, not the past. or you must leave. You have got to assert yourself as the lady of the family and your must be respected, don't you see that? things will never change, unless you take the initiative. Men do not care, your husband would spend his life there.

Answer 3

I'm a mother-in-law myself and I think your suggestion to put up the fragile figurines until your daughter gets a little older is a very reasonable solution. Her reaction was unreasonable.
However, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I have reacted in a way I wish I hadn't although I don't explode. So I would keep an extra close eye on your daughter for a couple of days (or take her away somewhere, like to a park for as much time as possible) so that the disagreement has a chance to cool down. Then I'd talk to her again, starting with something like, "Your figurines are beautiful and I know they mean a lot to you. I'd hate for any of them to get broken... ", etc. etc. I'd then give her a time when the figurines could be put back--probably until she's three--I'd then offer to help put them up high or away.
A one-year-old can't be careful with fragile objects. That's just part of that age.
If you and your husband could afford a china cabinet or something like that where the pieces could be protected, she might be happy with the gift.

Answer 4

It would be best to treat both halves of the situation.

If these figurines are so valuable to her, she should be willing to protect them. Next time the topic comes up remind her that you think it would be best to move them out of reach until your daughter understands that it's not something she's allowed to play with. Also, do remind her that if your daughter does break one, you will not take responsibility, and neither will your daughter. If she still refuses to move them, don't fret or yell when your daughter does break one. Just gently remind your mother in law that if it had been placed out of reach that wouldn't have happened.

In the meantime work on teaching your daughter that she isn't supposed to play with these things. This will help improve home life and, as people have mentioned already, it will make it easier to bring her over to visit friends who have valuables within easy reach. If and when your daughter DOES break one of your mother in law's knick-knacks you should tell her what she did was wrong and enforce it with an appropriate punishment (perhaps timeout in her playpen for five minutes?). Your mother in law should have no part in this, and if she tries to give her input or "advice," thank her and tell her that is not necessary.

Also, make your husband understand that this is the way you want to handle the situation and make sure he understands that he needs to support you on this or things will only get worse. Talk to him and work together on setting guidelines for how to discipline your daughter. Don't let him bully you into submitting to your mother in law and do NOT let him punish your child outside of the guidelines you two have set and agreed upon together.

Perhaps you can see about taking your daughter out to the park or on playdates with other children her age. If she has pent up energy she will be less likely to respond positively to reinforced discipline.

Eventually one (or maybe even both) sides of this situation will come into effect in the end and your life will be much easier.

Answer 5

i am with you on moving the tings higher as for their value that's your mother in laws call they might be worth alot to her.
my sister on the other hand believes you teach a child not to handle things,that way if you go to another persons home to visit your children are not thinking everything they see is a toy.
the real issue is the battle over who's in charge of the home and that is like it or not your mother in law,its her home and has been for years if you just recently moved in she had managed to live there for a long time before you arrived who helped her out then? i know it must be hard to pay bills and upkeep on a home and not be able to decide whats going to happen in the home but its her house has been for years and i don't see her changing her mind anytime soon so either try it her way teach your child to not play with grandmas things or find another place to live.good luck you might need it.

Answer 6

It sounds like she is face to face in realizing she does not have any control over her son/house anymore. She is trying to control everything you are doing so she doesn't feel out of control. This is a really hard situation to resolve because she is your mother-in-law, mother to your husband and grandmother to your daughter. I know you love her and are getting frustrated but try to sit down and come to some sort of compromise to just keep the peace in the household. Good luck.

Answer 7

GO GET A NEW PLACE IS WHAT???? LOOK HERE TWO MALES BULLS CAN'T NOT CHEER A PLACE TO LIVE.. YOU ARE BOTH THE WOMAN OF THE HOUSE SO THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK... IS NOT FAIR IF YOUR HUSBAND IS PAYING ALL THE UTILITIES AND MORTGAGE AND YOU CAN'T HAVE A SAY SO IN SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS DECORATIONS AND SUCH? NOPE YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND THIS IS JUST NOT GOING TO WORK.. AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY IN FRONT OF HER.. YOU SPEAK YOUR PEACE HONEY DON'T KEEP NOTHING INSIDE.. IF SHE CAN'T AFFORD HER OWN PLACE AT LEAST SHE CAN AFFORD TO STEP BACK AND LET YOU BE A LEADER WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS PAYING THE BILLS. IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.. AND THE SITUATION WITH THE BABY GIRL I KNOW HOW YOU MUST BE FEELING!!!!!!!! OF COURSE YOU CAN'T BE YELLING AT THE POOR ANGEL FOR WANTING TO TOUCH THINGS SHE IS EXPLORING A WHOLE NEW WORLD.. TILL YOUR HUBBY GETS HOME YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING AND PUT THEM, FREEKING FIGURINES OUT THE REACH OF THE BABY AND IF YOUR MOTHER IN LAW DOESN'T LIKE IT YOU TELL HER WELL WHEN SHE BRAKES ONE.. ONE I WON'T BE RESPONSIBLE AND TWO I'M NOT YELLING AT HER EITHER AND EITHER ARE YOU.. THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF PUTTING THE FIGURINES OUT OF HER REACH.. AND IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT OHH WELL.. YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING TO HAVE TO BACK YOU UP THAT IS FOR SURE.. GOOD LUCK HON.

PS : I SEE SOME COMMENTS LIKE IS HER HOUSE THE MOTHER IN LAW LIVED THERE LONGER THAN YOU.. LISTEN HERE YOUR HUSBAND PAYS BILLS IS YOUR HOUSE TOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR MOTHER IN LAW HAS TO BE THE ONE TO COMPROMISE...

Answer 8

Talk to your husband about what is going on. Suggest to him that he should talk to her about her behavior and his concern about the safety of the baby. This may come better from your husband, who is her child, than from you, an outsider, in-law. Yelling at the baby isn't going to do anything but make your house unpleasant and loud.

If all else fails, then my only other suggestion would be to leave her there in her house and you and your family move out!

Answer 9

Been there...my mother was the same way when my young daughter and I lived in her home.

I can see both sides, you want your child to feel comfortable in her home,
and your mother in law wants you to discipline your child.

Unfortunately, you are living with her, and she is your elder.
You are going to have to teach your child to not touch grandma's things as it seems grandma probobly wont put her things away.
It's a hard lesson, but your daughter will have to learn that there are just some things that she cannot touch. This lesson will come in handy later on too if you are at someone elses home. She will have known by then, that if something pretty is on the table and you said not to touch, then she wont touch.

Answer 10

I had the same problem with my mother-in-law. When we would visit, she refused to remove her glass items. They were figurines of dolphins, bears, dolls, anything a child would love to hold. She expected me to have control of my child at all times, and scream and holler. Darling, when I went, it was just a visit. There would be no way I would live there!