should I apologize to my ex from seven years ago?

Question

Seven years ago i was with a really sweet guy and ended up cheating on him-with his brother. So grosse i know. Anyway, we broke up, and i hate myself everyday for it.I ended up staying with the brother that was totally abusive for a short amount of time, basically just so I wouldnt feel as guilty for cheating on him, if that makes sense. Should i phone him up and apologize? Here's the real kicker, I got pregnant and had a baby-not sure who the father is. please dont say Maury or somthin like that. Im pretty sure that it was the good one that was the father. I dont know if i should contact him and let him see her. I am married now and in a wonderful relationship but this drives me crazy on a daily basis. He really was a great guy. I even dream about it him and I just want to put it past me. Stupid things you do when your drunk, young and nieve.

Answer 1

DO NOT CONTACT HIM! Let him go. Let go of your guilt. Forgive yourself! I held on to my guilt for 18 yrs! I felt horrible for leaving my high school sweetheart once I got pregnant. I married a guy from college who was absive. I divorced him in 89 & made contact with my son's father (our son was 2 yrs old). His dad didn't want anything to do with either of us. I tried again when our son was 9. I REALLY hurt the guy by leaving him. He tried over dosing on some pills 3 months after I left him. Or so his cousin told me. I felt so horribly guilty for sooo many yrs. Until, finally, my son reached 18 and we sent his entire family invitations to his high school graduation. (his family knew about our son but never once tried to contact him) NO one showed up. Not even the uncle that told us he was going to fly his entire family out to meet his nephew. My son got so excited! They never showed up. We put it all behind us. I wish I had NEVER tried to contact him or his family. It would of been an easier let down than them chosing to stay out of his life. His dad was diagnosed with schitzo, manic bi polar disorder. We were very lucky to have NOT had him in our lives. You do NOT want to bring "another man" into your happy marriage. It will destroy what you have. Instead, forgive yourself, forget the guys, let your husband adopt your daughter. MOVE ON...having your ex permanently in your marriage & messing with you about visitations, holdidays, vacations, etc is only asking for trouble! good luck!

Answer 2

I think it might be something to really think about...You can call and say you're sorry and mention the baby and the 'not so sure' truth, but tell him she has grown up fine without knowing so it's not the reason of the call, that truthfully, you've gotten to a point in your life where you need to reconcile with your past misjudgments and mistakes. If he wants to test for paternity, I think it would be his right, so you'd have to figure out if you would want him back into the picture or not, and what would you do if it was his abusive brother's. Also, make sure you run all this by your current husband before making any decisions - don't break up a good thing over something that happened 7 years ago (that mistake is done and over with-probably long forgotten by the other guy).

Answer 3

If your married now and everything is going well and he treats the child as his own, why rock the boat and possibly hurt him and your marriage now? Though it's easier said then done and you will have to work at it........Let it go! Getting in touch with him now after seven years could wind up a bigger disaster for you and your child. Don't put your child and your now husband through this ,you can loose everything for something that this past guy could even care less about. Forgive yourself and ask God to forgive you also and know that you are forgiven for your mistakes as many in the world make mistakes and wish they can take them back. But you can't it's in the past and it's over. When your child gets older and asks who the dad is , then talk to your husband first about if you should tell your child.

Answer 4

After seven years I dont think there is a need to contact him. It will bring up old hurt feelings and just interfer with his life. You should definitely get a parentity test for the child. Then you have a responsibility to let the father know but until you know for sure dont interfer with his life when the child might not even be his.

Answer 5

Those things CAN stay with us. In my youth I was engaged to be married to the guy I dated through high school. We had gotten pregnant and he forced an abortion. (love how it is OUR choice) I was too young and stupid to go with my own heart. He held that with him for 20 years. A few years ago my phone rings and it is him. He had to apologize for the abortion and then cheating on me. After that we had become friends - we talk about our kids - we talk about our lives.

I was really surprised that he carried that with him for 20 years. I never even thought it would feel that wonderful to have my hurt feelings so validated with an apology. I didn't think I needed one. His apology meant so much even after all of those years.

Go for it. He and I both feel a tremendous burden lifted about our youth - each of us have gotten the healing we needed from that.

Answer 6

If it bothers you that much then you should, with knowledge of your current hubby so as not to cause a problem. Just write him a letter-don't say anything about the child-leave that till after you get a reaction. You may get none,but you know he will have read it and realized you've grown up and that's a good thing, and you need to realize that either he'll want to know about the child or you'll blow his world apart. Check into what he's doing now, if you can, before you go that route. Your current hubby may love her and want to adopt,then, I'd say have a nice life and mums the word. Good Luck

Answer 7

I think you need to let him know how you feel so you can forgive yourself. Write him a letter first. Even if you decide to call you'll have it all written and thought out exactly what you want to say. You may want to ask for a DNA test. The brothers will have similiar DNA but not exactly so they may need a sample from both I'm not sure. I know its embarrassing but you're not the first thats not known.

Even if he refuses and doesn't except your apology you can tell your daughter you tried someday. If he is as nice as you say then you owe it to her to try.

Answer 8

If you're in contact with your ex, it might be nice of you to mention that you realize that you made a serious error. If you're not in contact, it might not be wanted. He may have moved on. Seven year I bet he has.

And for crying out loud, get a paternity test done. You've had seven years on that one. That isn't fair to your kid. Especially if you tell them that one of those men is Daddy and you have no actually evidence (can't go on looks, they're brothers they have similar genes and only a test will tell) then you'll likely leave your kid with some serious issues.

Good luck. I think you need it.

Answer 9

Nope. Let bygones be bygones. Let sleeping dogs lie. Etc, etc, etc.

There is no good that will come from dredging up the past. If you're having problems coming to a resolution about how you conducted yourself when you were younger, then maybe you need to get a little counseling to help you let go of this issue and move on with your husband and your child and your future.

Answer 10

If it's driving you crazy and you think this might give you some piece of mind, then go for it. There's no telling however, what his reaction will be because you broke his heart with his own brother. He may talk to you if he learns that his niece is really his daughter, but personally, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make.

Answer 11

Is he married also right now? If so how will this effect him? I'm all for children knowing their fathers but if your doing this to make it better for you, remember there will be more involved than you. If you feel your doing this mainly for your daughter so she will know her father that is great, but don't do it just to make yourself feel better. Before you do call him, make sure this is his child. After this many years he has probably moved on, so would I call someone from 7 years ago to apologize for my behavior no, but for the child I would.