Marriage advice...serious only please?

Question

My spouse has a problem admitting when he is wrong. he instead blames everything on me. he is very bossy and very head strong. he is also very sensitive to anything that i say or do, but will do the same thing to me and battle over whether or not it is wrong. we fight all the time and i am so unhappy. the problem is that i do still love him and even though it seems like it is not possible, he is not all bad all the time plus we have kids and i don't want them to go through a divorce. we do not fight in front of the kids, but i am sure they can feel the tension. i have tried everything to get him to understand how i feel and he says he wants to change to make things better but nothing ever happens. i don't know what to do and now, the stress is affecting my health and i am getting sick from it. we've tried counseling and he makes changes for a while, but they never last. i have changed how i do things, but now feel like i am the only one giving in and am losing who i am. ideas???

Answer 1

Okay hard problem that is hard to deal with and you sound like a fighter and that makes this suggestion hard for you to do, but I have seen good results from this. You are trying to tell him how you feel and get him to see how he is treating you. Basically what you are doing is telling him he has faults that he has a hard time admitting. We all do, but type A personalities do not like to be told that and they sure do not like it from their spouse. What you need to do is get him to tell himself that what he is doing is wrong, mean, ugly or whatever.

First and foremost, stop fighting with him, just absolutely do not get into any kind of arguement with him unless it is about your safety, live or that of a loved one. He being a type A personality, actually feeds off of the conflict, so when you argue or fight, you are just fueling his emotions and attitude. Cut the fuel source off and that is the first step. Second, when he says ugly things, turns things around, criticizes and stuff like that, just CALMLY listen to what he has to say, don't get mad, don't show emotion, just listen. When he is done, just very calmly with no anger, no saddness, not visible emotion at all, just ask him..."Is that how you really see me?" or "Is that how you really feel about me?" or "Is that what you honestly believe about me/us?" This is very hard, but whatever he says, just reply with "Okay." and calmly walk away and go back to doing what you were doing before. No matter how hot and mad you may be inside, do not let him see it. He will try to push every button he knows you have to make you mad, to get you to react and as long as you don't, he will have to look at himself. The moment you blow up and yell, fire back, criticize him or anything at all, you will completely validate his point to him and you will be back at the starting point. It may take a while, but he will either start to see how rotten he is being and he will come to you, or there will not be any kind of change and if that is the case, you need to look at your whole situation. The key is that he needs to see himself and tell himself and not be told that by anyone else or he will never believe it. He has to tell himself he is wrong, not you. Good Luck...

Answer 2

Hang in there...my husband and I do not have kids yet but we have gone through the situation you are going through now. We use to fight over things the little things and then the next day forget what we argued over. Then we discovered marrige counseling and it really helped us alot. You two can work this out, but it seems like with kids involved you also have limited alone time too. Right before you two go to bed or before he goes to sleep, talk to him about one on one counseling for the both of you. You see, my problem was bad communication with my husband. I always pointed out the negative things and forgetting why we fell in love in the first place. The fact of the matter is, you two are still married so there is still a chance to hold on what you've got. But really consider one on one counseling first. What I did was go to our counselor one on one, then my husband went to the counselor one on one, then we both went to marriage counseling after a few weeks. It changed us alot because we were able to talk to the counselor alone without the other spouse to figure out our own personal issues, then when we got together for marriage counseling we felt more strong as individuals and we're able to see the bigger picture in our marriage and the specific needs in our marriage. I know how you feel when you say that you're the only one giving and you feel you have lost who you once were. It doesn't have to be this way. Talk to your hubby calmly (even if you feel angry) and tell him how you truly feel. Get him to work with you on this counseling, to help you as a couple and to help your kids too. Try to even bring up the good times you have together. Afterall, marraige is team work and girl if you have gotten this far YOU CAN make it work together. I don't know if this will help some, but I pray it does. Stay strong!! :)

Answer 3

It sounds like he has a split personality. What I mean by that is he is emotional one moment by the sounds of it. And then the next time he is very controlling. I know you said you both went to counseling, but it sounds like he needs to have some one on one of his own. Most hospitals and human resource places offer counseling. I would have to say that somewhere in his childhood or maybe sometime before you met him he had something happen in his life that caused confusion and doubt about himself. Do you know what his childhood was like? Were both of his parents there, and if so was there any kind of physical or mental abuse. If not was he in another relationship before yours where maybe the woman was controlling or abusive. These are somethings you should look at. I hope this helps you out . Remember that also if things get to tough you can go to your local church and talk with the minister. I really think you should not take this personally, I do believe somewhere down the line something has happened that caused this situation. be supportive and encouraging . Remember that Love has a way of helping things out.

Answer 4

I think a counselor is a good idea. I think that its important that he know too that HE IS HUMAN. People in our society are so quick to blame others or shy away from being RESPONSIBLE for their mistakes. Just because he makes mistakes doesnt mean he is less of a person or that you love him any less. There is SOME reason he is defensive. He gets triggered by his mistakes maybe. I dont know but I think thats Y counseling is a good idea. Also Prayer is VERY important in relationships. This world today is TOO turbulant to NOT take the time to pray as a family. I know that My kid and I get along SO much better when we pray...

Answer 5

Baby that how relationships work. I've been with my girl for over 5 year not married but thinking about it. And at first of course everything was beautiful. We had very few arguement and we usuaslly came to even ground on it. But the past year it's great increased. All what you can do is observe you're situation. I know you proubly gonna hate me after I say this but sometime the woman has to surrender to the man. Sometimes you have to just aviod arguementive situations by just agreeing I know you wanna get you point across but sometime it's impossible trust me I'm a Tauras I'm extremely hard headed. Just as long as it's not becoming verbally abuse or worse physical abuse then you're alright!

Answer 6

It's very respectable that you don't want to hurt your children and make them go through a divorce. But if you're changing and conforming to what your husband wants you to be instead of who you really are, that's the real change you need to make. It's your life, you need to put yourself first. Don't remain unhappy just to please him, and even your children. Thousands of kids go through divorces, you just have to trust that you've brought very strong willed, understanding children into this world and they'll respect you decision to not be pushed around or fight all the time. You're hurting them with the tension just as much as you're hurting yourself. If you do go through with something like this, make sure you talk to them and explain that you love their dad very much, you just need some space. Not to mention, depending on how old they are, they probably see how demanding and argumentative your husband can be. I'm not saying you should jump to conclusion, just remember it's your life and you need to make yourself happy, you may never have another chance to start over. I wish only the best.

Answer 7

Your husband has control issues. Be yourself and let him deal with his own insecurities. Stop letting him take you on guilt trips, as well. If you make a mistake, so what about it? You're human and you are going to make mistakes. Apologize and move on. Don't play the blame game with him either. If something is not your fault and you've established that fact, let him believe what he chooses to believe. Don't keep going over it again and again, to pacify him.

If your husband is wrong about something and he won't admit it, don't walk into his trap and start fighting about it. He's allowed to be wrong, just as you are. As long as it's not a life threatening situation, let him worry about it. He knows when he's wrong, whether he admits it or not. You'll be a happier person, if you stop letting this guy upset you. Understand that you cannot change other people's behavior. You can, however, change yours.

Give it some time and If this man continues to make your life miserable, you'll have to let him know you're not going to tolerate it anymore. These control freaks seem to wake up when their faced with divorce. Don't allow your husband to push you into bad health. Deal with this man.

Answer 8

My parents used to fight a lot as well and did the whole Marriage Counseling routine, but not much progression. So my mother decided to live with her mother for awhile and my father realized he was taking her for granted and knew he couldn't take care of his house-hold on his own.

They have now been married for 22 years and are doing very well. If you could put yourself in a situation where he will be independant and see if he really does value you as a person and as a wife, make him want to change and step up to the Husband responsibility and show mutual respect, and not to resent his wife.

Otherwise, he can enjoy paying child support which will make you a wealthy, powerful, independant woman if you are to overcome this adversity.

Answer 9

Well a huge part of this is down to him now, he has to really want to change otherwise nothing you can do will help him.
If he really wants to then he really has to start putting in some serious effort and not to keep falling back into old ways.
When hes wrong logically explain to him why he is, people can argue with the truth, but they can't change the fact they are fighting an impossible battle.
Show him there will be consequences to his bad actions against you

Answer 10

Experience speaking here. You have to shake him up and get his attention; and it won't be easy to do as he lives in his own world and will resist change. Tell him he has to go home and live with his mother while you think over your options and decide what you want to do; move on with your life or what. This will most likely get his attention. Any change has to be a two way street as you cannot do everything yourself. If he is not willing to work on changing for the better it might be that you will have to trade him in on a new, more user friendly model.