What should I do with this kind of a husband?

Question

Iam married for 3 yrs .After one year of my marriage I started going for a job.My husband was not having any savings infact not even a bank A/c.Before marriage when I asked him he told that he is having some savings. But after marriage only I came to know the above fact. Then I adjusted I started going for a job and I started doing a little of savings. Ofcourse he has got bit of property . He was getting less salary then. He withdrew money from my a/c using my ATM card once without my knowledge . I shouted at him for doing it without my knowledge after that again he did the same thing he withdrew nearly Rs.10,000/- from my A/c. In the year 2005 he lost his job and he pledged my jewels and his jewels without my knowledge and at last I cam to know and I made an issue and atlast I only repaid the debt of Rs.30,000/- some how. After that I got him a job and he started going after that again he withdrew money from my A/c and cooly told that he has not done it .

He was given the addon card and he spent money out of it and now has debt around Rs.10,000/- and pledged the jewels which was taken back and he says he did all these to help his friends only and moreover he has got property and he can borrow money for all these ftom his house. When he withdrew money from ATM A/c again he just made me a fool categorically telling that he has not taken and asked me find out from the bank whether some mistake has taken place. Sometime he even takes money from my purse without my knowledge for that sake I always hide my purse how can any be satisfied with this kind of a person . I came to terms with whatever he did but again & again if he does like this what can I do. My mind has got really diverted but I can't leave him just for my family's sake bcoz they will be shattered. What is wrong in my having a relationship with somebody for my own happiness. To cover all his mistakes he pointsout my past relation with a man. when I point out his mistake

I happen to argue with him for all these he says that I am torturing and I am argumentative and proud because I earn more than him. He also says when I argue with for these reasons we shall talk with our family and go for a divorce bcoz he knows very well that I will not leave him just for my family's sake and my sister advises me that just for this sake you shoud n't leave him bcoz this is common place. If he had had some affairs then there is meaning in going for divorce. I would say that if she had faced this kind of a problem she never wud dare to advise me. Since my husband gets salary lesser than me I used to give him money whenever he asks for . I wud say that I have adjusted to the maximum which any other educated women wud not do in this millenum am I right

do have a separate A/c only. If I have adjusted to this maximum I have one question to ask why can't he adjust if he has a doubt that I am having a relationship (past relation continued).He should also give in and he should understand that I am doing this only becoz I am not satisfied with him bcoz of of nonsensiscal action. I think I have been very straight forward pls give me you straightforward opinion. I am an Indian

Since he has doubt about the relationship with other man he says that I am spoiling his life. Whatever he has done will not spoil my life in anyway and that problem is only confined to money and it does not hurt my feelings

Answer 1

As I'm sure you are an Indian, married with an Indian but I don't have any idea about your religion or form of marriage you have undergone with this man. As far I can say on the very onset no use continuing life with such a person as he'll be giving more trouble in future. As far what your family says about divorce, its none of their prerogative as you have to face the entire problem not they. I would request you to write full details about the religion & form of marriage, any issues out of the marriage, & if possible where you are located, I'm in Gurgoan/Delhi. As far your case for seeking either judicial separation or divorce is concerned is quite clear, usually I never suggest judicial separation to any one but in your case I have just because if his habit changes, which I doubt, but lets hope for the best. Do write to be directly on my email address with full details as I have requested. [e-mail].

Answer 2

The one thing I know, the only reason why you're asking for answers towards your husband and his issues, is because you love him, and you don't want to leave him, but you want to see him change his ways, the one thing I learned a long time ago was ( Don't give a man a fish, Teach him how to fish. ) you're giving him access to your money, and not showing him the responsibility of the money, so he can respect the fact of what the money is doing for your family, take away the access, and sit down with him, and show him the purpose of the money that's coming in the household, get him involved in the decision process of the finances in the home, show him the role he has to play by contributing to the household to make things better, don't treat him like a child, he's a man treat him as such, sit him down calmly and let him see how his actions is hurting you and your marriage, if he cares you should see changes in his ways, if there is none, then I seriously think you should think about whats best for you, and move on with you're life, because in the end you do deserve the best.

Answer 3

Madam,

I understand what u r undergoing through.I myself being a disciplined man, suffered enough from my ex-wife. I have counseled a couple of cases similar to urs. One case is involving wife and husband and another is father and kids.

The issue is squarely one of indiscipline. It doesn't mean that there is no love lost or cheating. This is that of recklessness and indiscipline to the core. If u r a disciplinarian, then life becomes hell. I understand ur trauma.

Now, the options are difficult and critical for u. One is to live with no debit card and meagre cash balance and the other is to bear and live with. But I dont suggest the second option because over the years the other person becomes more incorrigible and u get depressed and lose interest in life itself. Best thing is sit quietly, think of ways to bear with, if u want to live with (which appears to be the case), if U dont have other complaints. But, if it is otherwise, then take early decision as that will save lot of time and embarassment at a later stage. U can even try to live separately for a short time like a month or two, so as to make him feel ur absence and necessity to have discipline and culture to appreciate ur identity, values and privacy.

Try to feel what is best. U can even revert to me once again,if U feel like. May God be with U.

Answer 4

Dear Friend, this really is serious and worrying ... but don't get disappointed please.
First of all have a new bank account, transer all your money there and have just one ATM card and don't give its code to anyone, not even your husband ...
Secondly, you should keep minimum counted money in your purse, and that too in some different hidden place and better locked drawer etc ...
Thirdly, you need to stand-up and face boldly about your past realtionship with that man (hope this relationship is not continuing now?) ... tell him streight that you don't have any more relationship with any man, and if blames you now for your old actions, then be bold and tell him very streight ... its history & must not be repeated in your current relationship.
Fourthly, don't be affraid of seperation or divorce, if it comes to that ... after all its your life ... yes its a problem for our families and society, but our life is more important that them! hope you will understand and agree with this. Don't get blackmailed by him about divorce ... rather use your TRUMP CARD ... that you will leave him if he continues to do this bad things of stealing & misusing your ATM card.
You have to be bold and stand-up for your rights dear, else you will always suffer in your life
I am Khawaja 55 male from Pakistan, and very well under- stand the India & Pakistan societies for working ladies.
You must get back your jewellery and keep in a safe deposit at your bank with your signaturs only and its key with you only at some safe place.
My best wishes and prayers are always with you

Answer 5

Since you husband says he has not withdrawn the amount you should believe him and report the matter in Bank and if need be with his help report the matter with the Police. Just ask him which friends he has helped and chech out on them when they will be returning your money as your money is hard earned. Also ensure that you involve the family of the friend whom your husband has helped.
Please be sure you are not being duped by him by money and relationship too.
Be careful as it could also affect your health
After verifying all the details take necessary action which could include divorce.
Life is a very important gift of god and preserving it is the Dharma. So dont sacrifice your life for false family ego. Nowadays society has accepted divorce. It now dosent brand any family bad. But is now considered futuristic and bold. Take care.
Ajay

Answer 6

Girl, I coudln't read all your messages but only thing I can say go to town somewhere, find a bank of your OWN. And start saving in that bank but he wouldn't know himself. I am not saying do something very secretive, but for the sake of your own life. Men don't worry much of security, women do. Men don't think of the tomorrow, but women think for next year too. It is women's instinct to keep herself safe. I would suggest open a private bank yourself and start saving in that. Don't tell him pin number or nothing else. Also, are you sure he is not a gambler? where is he taking all that money? For what? if you are married, you'd be using together? Are you sure he's not buying a women and spending on her? I am just asking thinking if this had happened to me, those would be the questions. Find out yourself why so much money he's spending and on what - and realise that whatever you do, you will do it YOURSELF. If he is not the understanding man, then it's time you keep your own self secure, and show him little money of what you got. Never tell a man 100% of what you got. Men throw money, women save money. That's life. Let him worry about things, NOT YOU! RELAX, AND PLAN YOUR LIFE TODAY! GO TO A BANK NOW AND START SAVING 20 POUNDS 20 POUNDS AND IN 10 YEARS YOU'LL BE RICH! BUT NEVER TELL HIM! HA !

Answer 7

The basic problem lies in the fact that your husband isn't behaving in a trustworthy manner. He may withdraw money from your account, but he can inform you about it before or after the withdrawal. In not doing so, he is creating suspicions about himself. What is the real reason for his withdrawing large sums? Is he financing an extra marital affair himself with this money? You have the right to live your own life. If family concerns ruin your life, such concerns should be overlooked. I think the time has come to face your husband squarely and demand a divorce.

Answer 8

Sorry to say that you are equally wrong in one way or the other. Why you appreciated him so many times you would have reacted earlier when he sold your jewelery.
So what you have a past history don't he have any. Don't feel that way.
React else your life will be miserable, you will live a life without any colour in it but live it. So take the decision don't think about anyone it is your life not your sisters or parents.
You are the sufferer not they but I am sure they will love your decision.
Don't spoil your life as this life is very precious you get it ones not to die like that.
This word is very complicated to write and I hate this word but the situation in which you are I can only say Divorce him not for this life but the life after death also.

Answer 9

You ought to have changed the PIN of your ATM and done something to prevent such acts. You could close the account and open a new one. Keep the card in a secret place and don't let him know the PIN and change it every time you withdraw money. You have to stop him from using such tactics.Fleecing money or making excuses and your giving him long rope would worsen the matter. Be polite but firm.
If your inner feeling is that you have given him enough chance by telling things explicitly, then go in for divorce.

Answer 10

Well you do not need kind of crap, My sister in India had similar story. I end up paying their large amount of debts he sold my sister's jewels which were belongs to my late mum ( a big sentimental value for my family) my sister inherited all of those Jewell during her wedding now all has gone. He lost his business twice and I end up paying his debts over 20000 dollars. He still remain same so finally my sister got separated. This is a story I am telling you to wake you up. Do not end up like my sister and waste 14 years thinking he will change and take some responsibilities. Walk out before big problems starts to hit you. Good luck Spartan