Ok im writing a story for a creative writing project &i need some help...?

Question

Heres what i have so far... i would like to know what you think about it. .. thanks..

The clock winked eleven thirty. Kevin Donnelly closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the stiff chair in the airport office. He was starved and he’d been there for over two hours. Not counting how long he sat on the plane, sailing through the sky and above the ocean. Why couldn’t they accept his passport? He’d been an American for his whole life, born and raised in the streets of Brooklyn. But now he was in London, to live with his older brother. Why now? He sighed and sauntered over to the door. He pressed the handle in. He wasn’t waiting here in a damn airport all day. He had a life to live. But then he realized he was in a foreign country with nowhere to go, and decided to sit back down.
A tall man with short but shaggy hair black hair and clear green eyes walked into the lobby, just outside the office. The man had the same untidy hair and brilliant green eyes as Kevin. He walked to the door and knocked, Tom, the man in charge of the passports and immigration opened the door and the man walked in.
“Nice to see you Alex,” said Tom, shuffling papers on his desk, “I’ll be damned, your brother looks a whole lot like you.”
Alex grinned, he was proud of his good-looks. “So what do I have to sign?” he added, looking out the door to the room where Kevin was sitting. He could see that black hair. Tom pulled out up a release paper, and handed it to Joe, who quickly read through it and signed his name at the bottom.
“That’ll do it. The kid’s in the next room.” Alex nodded and opened the door.
Kevin’s voice cracked as he said barely above a whisper, “Alex?” Kevin stood up and wrapped his arms around him, his oldest brother.
It had been a year and a half since Alex had seen his youngest brother, and boy, was he was glad to see him now. Alex rubbed the top of Kevin’s head, “I swear Kevin! You’re getting so tall, and what, your 14 now? Geez, I’m getting old.” Kevin snickered, Alex was only 22. Nevertheless, that was his brother, always teasing him, and he was so pleased to see him.
Kevin & Alex’s two brothers were both killed in the car wreck that killed their parents. Shaun and Jimmy. Shaun was just 16 and Jimmy 18 when a drunk in a semi ran a red light. Their mom, dad, and Jimmy were killed on impact. Shaun lived for a week afterwards. He was brain dead so there wasn’t anything they could do. They both remembered the day of the funerals. One a few days after the crash, and then Shaun’s less than 10 days later. What a shock that had.
Alex had moved to London just a few months after the funerals. He said it was for work but Kevin wasn’t so sure. In the meantime, Kevin had been shoved around with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. After awhile they got tired of him and finally shipped him off to live with Alex.

I just want to hear what YOU think about it. whether its a comment or criticism-

Answer 1

It looks like you are off to a good start. I agree with the other comments, check your spelling, punctuation and correct word usage.

Do you have a minimum or maximum lenght for the story?
How do you plan to wrap it all up?

Answer 2

For starters, re-read your story and correct your spelling errors.

For instance "your" s/b "you're". (your 14 now). Also check to be sure you finish the sentence. (What a shock that had. )

Also, in formal writing never use contractions, instead, spell the word out:
Alex had moved to London just a few months after the funerals. He said it was for work but Kevin wasn’t (s/b was not) so sure.

The following paragraph makes no sence:

Kevin & Alex’s two brothers were both killed in the car wreck that killed their parents. Shaun and Jimmy. Shaun was just 16 and Jimmy 18 when a drunk in a semi ran a red light. Their mom, dad, and Jimmy were killed on impact. Shaun lived for a week afterwards. He was brain dead so there wasn’t anything they could do. They both remembered the day of the funerals. One a few days after the crash, and then Shaun’s less than 10 days later. What a shock that had.

The above paragraph is not tied in to what you have written. There is no lead up, or explanation as to WHY you suddenly changed the subject. Also, when changing the subject, start a new paragraph.

There really is much more you could do to correct and improve just this small bit. Get a "beta" reader, someone you can trust, and respect their opinions.

I don't mind helping out, but you need to pay more attention to WHAT you are writing as well as the content of your writing.

Your writing is grammer school type, almost High School. Talk with your English teacher. She/He may be able to answer you more fully.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Are you writing a short story or a novel or a novelette? If it's a short story you're aiming at then I reckon you've got far too much detail in here. It's almost enough for the novelette.
I'd say you should select your main theme and let the reader fill in the blanks for himself.
I think you should read some short stories by somebody like O Henry to get the jist of what I'm pointing you towards. A short story should be more than a narration of a few interconnected facts. It should have a thumping good idea that brings a new light on to a situation or it should have a message that's worth driving home. But only one message! At all costs avoid clutter, avoid too many characters, avoid being boring, avoid writing to a formula!

Answer 4

I would read the rest when it is finished, it is a great start.

Don't go to the wild side and dream up crazy ideas like the other brothers are still alive or but I think learning how to cope and live with brothers in a foreign country is a book.

Definitely a Brittish movie.

Answer 5

It's not bad. I understood it. That's important. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you though or what you want to hear.

A drunk in a semi eh?

Answer 6

well what to say?
u hav already written a very good story!
Well i am clapping for u!